I Walk The Line (A Bucky Barnes Fanfiction)

Chapter 14

Keeping a diary really helped both of us with a lot of things. Bucky wouldn't punch holes into the wall every time he'd mess something up. I stopped staying up til 3am and thinking about all the ugly stuff in my life. We were actually getting better. And closer.

About a month after I'd given him the notebook, I was writing something down when he came in the room. Once I finished, he sat down next to me. "Can I... hear what you wrote?" He asked in a small voice. Before that, he'd never asked for anything from me. I would spend an hour in the bathroom, then find him waiting for me outside because he needed to pee half an hour ago. He didn't knock to ask me to hurry up. Nothing. So that request really surprised me, but it also made me happy.

"Of course", I said. "'I still feel guilty about leaving Connor. Even though he's with HYDRA, I really believe he is a good person, deep inside. He just made a bad choice. Chose the wrong path. Maybe if I'd asked him, if I'd explained, he would've come with Bucky and me... He'll probably try to kill me the next time I see him. Not that I blame him.' That's it."

Bucky stared at the floor without a word. His hair fell in his face, he didn't bother brushing it away. For a second I thought that maybe I should do it for him, but that would be rather silly.

"Andrea, you did what you had to in order to save our lives", Bucky broke the silence, looking up at me. "I understand how you feel. I think Steve hates me, too. But I don't think he wants to kill me, and I don't think Connor wants to kill you either. And even if he tries, I won't let him. I can promise you that much."

I smiled and bit my lip. "How come every time you talk for more than a minute you make me want to hug you, Buck?" I asked, half jokingly. That drew a small smile on his face.

"Is it, uh, is it okay if I read you mine?" He asked, avoiding my gaze. "Sure", I nodded.

He cleared his throat. "I'm slowly remembering my victims. They come to me in my dreams. I'm afraid of falling asleep because then I'll relive it again and I hate it. Some of them-", he stopped and looked up at me. I smiled reassuringly and he continued. "Some of them were my friends. Soldiers I fought with. People who saved my life in battle." Long pause. "They would beg me not to do it. I had no control over myself. I didn't even blink. I'm a monster."

His head hung low. I reached for his right hand. Before I touched it, I asked "May I?" Bucky nodded and I took his hand in both of mine. It was big and tough, with long fingers and neat nails. I noticed little scars on the bottom of his palm, where he'd jam his nails in pain during the torture. I had the same ones. I brushed my thumb over them.

"Just before I put him to sleep, Connor told me that you could never change your past. But it doesn't define you, Bucky. Especially when you didn't know what you were doing. You're no monster. The people who made you do it are. And the fact that you're feeling all this, it means they don't have a grip on you anymore. You can't change the past, but you can make it all up in the present by doing good things for others and yourself. You're not a monster, Bucky." I squeezed his hand.

"Look at me", I ordered. My heart almost broke when he did. "You are not a monster", I repeated.

He pulled his hand away abruptly, leaving my hands empty and cold. "Sorry", I whispered and got up. Just before I left the room, Bucky spoke up.

"I'm just not used to anyone touching me for that long." He said matter-of-factly. I muttered a quick okay before leaving him alone.

That evening, during dinner, he asked me to continue reading our entries to each other. Not all the time. Once a week, so we could give each other advice. And just generally bond. I was pleasantly surprised by his offer. He was opening up to me, letting me in. It took him a few months, but that didn't matter. He was willing to let me help, to let me in.