Paper Trails 2 | Draft

2.

"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."

*****

The dreams are the worst. They're a constant reminder of everything I'd fucked up. I'd see Marino with the gun pointed at me. Sometimes it wasn't him with the gun. Sometimes it was Nic, and sometimes he was the one who pulled the trigger. Sometimes I manage to fire the first shot. Sometimes I manage to kill Niccolò.

Sometimes it's me standing above him, his blood on my hands. Me, walking to the helicopter.

Sometimes I'd see Tyler somewhere, watching. Either from the helicopter or the car. In all honesty that only made it worse.

I pictured him sometimes. Tyler. I picture him on a beach somewhere, far away. Sipping on a mimosa with a hot tanned guy. Tyler's hair would be longer, because he's be too lazy and too impatient to get it cut. After all, I use to do that for him. He'd be smiling, and laughing. The guy wouldn't be his boyfriend. He'd just be a fling. Someone to entertain him until he found someone he really connected with, but he'd still really like him. They'd go surfing during the day and at night they'd go to the beach house Tyler bought. They'd sit by a fire or in a hot tub talking or kissing.

He'd have friends. Girls and guys that appreciated him for how smart and cute and funny and caring he is.

He'd have a job. Something he enjoys. Maybe he picked up a hobby like playing an instrument or writing.

He'd be happy.

And he'd have forgotten about me. He'd have moved on from his terrible past, and he'd only be looking forward.

He'd be okay.

And knowing that, hoping that he was okay...that made me as happy as I could get.

Tyler is and probably always will be the only person on this earth who knows me inside and out. The only person who will love me for exactly who I am.

So knowing he's somewhere doing okay...

I couldn't ask for anything better.

But it still hurt, seeing him in my dreams. Seeing his face. The disappointment at my failure, or reliving the moment he lost faith in me. Reliving the moment he left.

I wished he'd taken me with him.

I wished he'd tried.

And at the same time, I was proud of him for being able to do that. For being able to walk away, for knowing when to walk away from me.

Toxic. That's what Chris use to tell him.

"Cherry is toxic. And you'll die because you couldn't figure it out for yourself."

And he was right, of course. I was toxic. I was dangerous. I was scared, but not scared of the right thing. I wasn't scared to die. I wasn't scared of Chris, not exactly. I was scared of losing.

I was scared of this.

So maybe it didn't matter that I cared about Tyler. Because I dragged him down, it's all I ever did. I dragged him down when we were stuck with Chris. I dragged him down when he found Elias, and I sabotaged them. I got Elias killed. And I didn't feel...guilty. Because I had Tyler. He was mine. My friend. My family.