Paper Trails 2 | Draft

39.

"In your darkness, I find myself. Hoping for more, praying for light. Not realizing monsters lurk in the shadows for a reason. Once you see them, there's no denying they're there."

*****

Here's the dark thing about desire. It's more powerful than you know. With desire comes want, and with want grows a need to have it. Cravings are just that. You can't help what you yearn for, not always. But you can definitely do everything you can to not give in to such desires. You can distance yourself.

I had to.

It's been almost two weeks since I last saw Niccolò Di Vio. He'd been as distant as I was, never calling, not showing up at random. If he did show up, it was when I wasn't around. Raven rarely mentions him to me, and I never speak about him.

It was not easier. You'd think it would be, but it wasn't. I still had dreams and nightmares, I still woke up at night covered in sweat. Sometimes I'd hallucinate and the sweat wouldn't be sweat at all but blood. Mine or Marino's or Tyler's. I'd feel the burn of a gunshot. I'd hear it, too. I'd hear the crunch of snow under Niccoló's feet as he leaves me to die. But this wasn't hell for me. I was used to it now, I expected it. There's no such thing as peace, not for anyone.

The truth is, we believe what we want to believe. We hear what we want to hear. And when we're firmly certain of something, nothing can convince us otherwise.

I knew who Niccolò was. I wasn't diluded, and I wasn't under the impression he could change. He is who he is, and that's that. I am who I am, and that is that.

...I loved him.

I did. I do, I suppose. It's not in the sense of 'he's-my-everything-and-without-him-I'm-nothing'. But I do love him, in a sense where knowing we are where we are hurt. We were in our own way. Who he is and who I am are the reasons why we don't work.

Logically, the chances of us living happily ever after were slim to none. But emotionally, I was conflicted. Because I loved him.

Niccoló and I never really had a chance.

I think we've both accepted that now.

*****

"Damn," I muttered, my face falling when I realized it wasn't the pizza guy at the door. What was talking him so long? "You're not my food."

An eyebrow raised. "I'm afraid not."

"What do you want? I thought we were done."

"Mr. Di Vio has returned to the states, it seems." He tilted his head to the side. "Interestingly enough, I remember asking you to let me know if he contacted you again."

"Has he? I don't recall."

"Really? He's been here at least three times within the past two weeks."

"And what took you so long to catch on?"

"I've been preoccupied. Fortunately, I have time now to discuss some things with you."

"Unfortunately, I don't." I go to close the door but Detective Rochester's foot stops me. My eyes narrow and I meet his irritated gaze. He was an easily agitated man.