HeartBreaker | Book 1

Confessions of a Dreamer

Chapter Eleven
Confessions of a Dreamer

"Janine? Janine Butler? My social worker, is responsible for the death of your parents?"

"Well, she's my social worker too, but yeah-"

"and you just... forgave her? Let her go?"

"Well she did face some time, community service and whatnot,"

"that's not the point,"

"then what is? I'm not making excuses for Janine, she's the reason my parents are six feet underground, but ruining her life will do nothing to fix mine; causing her pain would do nothing to heal mine."

She stops and walks over to the window and I follow.

"I got to look in the eyes of the woman who took my parents away. I didn't see a monster; I saw a woman who is crippled by the pain of guilt, crying for help. Nobody feels as bad about it as she does.

"I wanted to properly and completely mourn the death of my parents and heal... and I couldn't do that without forgiving the woman who caused it all."

I'm incapable of processing what she's saying, let alone what she's been through.

"I know what you're thinking Chris... I didn't forgive Janine for her sake, to clear her conscious, but I forgave her to clear mine... instead of hate or anger, my heart was filled with peace... with hope."

"Hope is a dangerous thing..." I say distantly.

Desirae looks at me smiling slightly,

"A year later, Janine got her diploma for social work and she volunteered for programs enriching and bettering other people's lives. She may have taken away the lives of my parents, but by sparing hers, she helped change lives. She took and now she's giving."

"She took your parents..."

"and she's going to have to live with that for the rest of her life,"

"how could you forgive her so easily?"

"Oh it wasn't easy Chris... it wasn't easy, losing everything overnight and forgiving the person who took them wasn't easy; but I don't believe in revenge or any of that bullcrap...

"You know my mother used to say: 'an eye for an eye, leaves the world blind,' she was such a beautiful woman."

"Then your mother would be incredibly proud of you," I offer honestly.

She looks at me with content, tears growing in her eyes, then she laughs and scratches her head.

"Come, gran's made some dinner."

She's a complete nutter. In the best way possible.

I decide to leave and avoid having dinner with Desirae's family. I've never had proper dinner with my actual family and to do it with another's, is something that I want to avoid at all costs.

They seemed disappointed but I'd rather that, than being uncomfortable.

"I'll see you next week Desirae,"

"yeah..."

"Thanks for...." I wanted to thank her for sharing her past and who she is with me, something that I'm not brave enough to do with her.

"Thanks for tonight," I finally say, feeling like it wasn't enough.

She nods and smiles, "it was my greatest pleasure... now, take care."

I lay on my bed in my apartment with the lights off.

Seeing Desirae tonight, meeting her family and hearing about her past brought up some memories of my own dark past.

I stare at the ceiling, reliving the memories that I've spent years of my life suppressing.

It isn't fair man. I've had a rough past but I never dwell on it, until now. Memories that broke my heart piece by piece.

I haven't really healed; I've just become numb. My childhood was hell and now I'm just living a nightmare; it could be worst, but not likely to get better.

I roll on my side and stare out the window to stop the tears from building in my eyes.

I look outside the window at the city lights; lost in it's vastness.

My phone rings startling me and ruining this poetic moment.

It's from a number I don't recognise.

"Hello Chris? It's Janine," says the voice on the phone,

"Oh hello," I reply, now that I've learnt so much about Janine, it's hard to look at her the same.

The preppy, professional woman she is today, was once a struggling drunk.

"Chris are you ok?"

"Ah, yeah... yeah I'm fine, just tired."

"I'm calling in to see how you and your buddy are going; it's been two weeks now, so consider this as a fornightly checkup, how are things with you and Des going?"

"Yeah, it been good,"

"Chris are you sure you're alright?"

I'm not, but I wish she'd stop asking, it's hard enough coming to terms with how I feel, I couldn't imagine having to express it to someone else.

"Yes, I'm ok,"

"Because you sound... anyway, um, this is basically your opportunity to request a new buddy if you'd like, if things aren't running smoothly with your current buddy, unless things are fine."

"No thank you Janine, Desirae and I are more than fine."