When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 13: Pre-Cancer

Angela woke me up the next morning, five am on the dot.

"Up and at 'em!" She says. She was too cheerful for 5 am.

I groaned, "No no no. Lemme sleep."

Angela began working quickly to get me ready. I realized I wasn't well rested at all... but then I remembered I'd be sleeping again soon enough. She handed me a gown to change into, and let me have a bit of dignity to do so. She left the room for about ten minutes while I changed with a Herculean effort, then, when she came back, she gave me one last phone call.

It took me a moment to remember the phone number. When's the last time I used a landline?

"Mom"
"Leo, hey baby,"
"Hey. Angela is taking me to surgery."
"Already? This early? I thought it was at seven."
"Well, no... They're taking me to get ready."
"Oh. Well, Leo, we love you. We all do, okay? I love you so much, and I will see you when you start recovering a little... here, talk to your father..."
"Okay."
There was some commotion on the other end, I wondered if he was doing like Hattie sometimes did when she didn't want to talk on the phone to gramma, and mom forced her to talk on the phone.
"Hey son", he finally said.
"Hey dad."
"Are you well?"
"I'm okay."
"That's good... You'll do just fine today, okay?"
"Okay."
"Love you, now, you hear?"
"Yes. Love you too."
"Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye, son."
"Bye, dad."
I wish I didn't know why I found it so hard to talk to him. He was impossible. I knew that he didn't want me to cry, surely he didn't want me to talk about how I really felt. He didn't want to know how weak and miserable I felt, not really. He wanted to know that I was doing okay, not too good, not too bad. He wanted to know that I already knew what he should have told me on the phone, but didn't. He just wanted to take care of his obligation as my father. At least, that's how I felt. And he didn't want to know about that either.
The phone was passed back to my mom.
"Hattie is still sleeping... she is catching up on sleep today, so I won't wake her, but she keeps asking when we can come visit."
"Tell her I love her."
"I will, sweetie. Sam is still sleeping, too. He loves you, too, you know."
"Yeah, I know."
"Okay, Leo. It'll be over before you know it."
Angela was now rushing, the other nurses started coming in and out, too.
"Love you mom. I gotta go."

I hung up the phone, and Angela put it away. She smiled at me, preparing my IV again.

"Your family loves you, boy. You sure are lucky. Some of these kids don't have anyone, ever."
Her words stabbed me like a knife to the gut. Or maybe that was the tumors talkin'. Either way, I just nodded. She put a surgical cap over my head and with hardly any chance to prepare, she laid my bed down flat. I laid back with it, trying to get comfortable again. I felt like I was laying on a bed of nails. I rolled to my side, hoping for relief. The rocks in my stomach tumbled around, and there was a sheen of sweat over me now. I gritted my teeth, clutching the sheets in my hands.
"Oh, Leo, you will feel so much better after this," Angela rubbed my head, I moved from the sheets to clenching the side of the bed, my knuckles turning an even paler shade of white than the rest of me. I hoped she was right.
They wheeled me down a long corridor, into a giant elevator which only could be accessed with Angela's pass. She was still rubbing my head, which felt amazing. She kept promising I would be okay. I would feel better soon.
We entered a large operating room, which made me immediately a million times more nervous. Angela and the other nurses rolled and parked me under a giant white light, and the anesthesiologist came over, surgical mask and cap on.
I was so uncomfortable, so ready for relief. I looked around the room at all the tools... the tools. I closed my eyes hard, the saws made my stomach turn.

Don't look, man. Don't look. Focus. Focus on your hands. Focus on the ceiling. Just don't look.

The anesthesiologist came over then, her face was covered by a surgical mask, her head covered with a funny hat. She stood over me, and Angela stopped rubbing my head. She kissed my head and said, "Leo, I will see you just as soon as you're done, sweetheart." I nodded. Angela was an angel. That, I decided, was why she was named Angela. The anesthesiologist turned and grabbed a mask, bringing it to my face. I already felt like I was out of it, like I was dizzy and shouldn't be awake.
"Hi there, Leo, I'm just going to place this mask over your mouth and nose... you need to take deep breaths and count to twenty, okay?"
I nodded, rolling back over onto my back, clenching my teeth in agony.

The mask was over my face. I took my first deep breath.

One, two, three.

What if I don't wake up?

Four, five, six.

What if I don't get to see Hattie again?

Seven, eight, nine.

What about the rest of my family?

Ten, eleven, twelve.

Shit! I didn't even call Reid or Myra!

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

Oh, god... I'm so dizzy. I'm so dizzy.

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

The light is blurry. Angela? Where's Angela?

Nineteen... what comes next?

Oh god.

And the next thing I remember was waking up in excruciating pain. I woke up, and there was nothing. There was nobody. I was alone, in a tiny white room. My stomach ached, and not in a sick way, but in a painful, sharp, shooting pain way. It took all my effort to slide my hand over and feel the source of the pain. It was bandaged up, gauze wrapped around my entire torso. I exhaled sharply. I felt tied down, like I was restrained. I grabbed at the restraints, fighting to be free.

"Leo! No! Stop!"

Uh, what?

Now there were hands, hands on me, people holding me down.
I opened my eyes, blearily.
"Uh..."
It was a nurse, not Angela. She was holding my arms down.
"Leo, it's your IVs... And you have a drain, draining your wound... you have wires."
I groaned. I had exerted so much energy in my fight. The last thing I saw was the nurse tapping the vial of the needle, pressing it into my IV.

No, no wait, no stop!

My eyes were closing quickly. I can't see anymore.

Ah, yeah, that's better.

When I woke up the next time, I was much more coherent, which wasn't really saying much. I stayed awake longer this time, and I was in a regular room instead of recovery.

I smacked my lips, trying to get my dry mouth wet again. I felt groggy and shaky.
Ophelia stood there, over me, she was happy. And, oh, she was beautiful.

"Oh, you're awake" She said, restricting her volume to spare my head. I was thankful for that. She smiled, and laid a cool hand on my forehead. It felt so, so good. My eyes closed involuntarily.

"How do you feel?" She asked.
"I'm tired..." I whispered, almost too quiet to hear at all.
She kept rubbing my head, then she leaned in and kissed my cheek.
"Get some rest, okay?" she whispered.
She was so nice. Ophelia was just amazing. Things had started up so quickly. I would never forget that she was there for me when nobody else was. I would never, ever let myself forget, I vowed.
I dreamed that I was healthy, and it was surprising to me how well I felt. It occurred to me then, that I'd forgotten how it felt to be whole, to not hurt. How I'd taken my health for granted before. I'd give anything to go back to my old problems. I wished that May breaking up with me was the worst thing that had ever happened to me again. I wished that I could just hear her on the phone, telling me we needed to see other people, and feel that pain in my chest, and that ache in my belly. I wished I could go back to the moment when I saw Danny and her sucking face and tell myself,

Dude, this is nothing! You will be okay. This is hardly anything. This isn't anything at all. You're fine.

The old me had no idea how good he had it.

You know, I was so depressed before cancer. Me With Cancer would hate Me Before Cancer. I had nothing to be sad about before. I had a good family, a decent one anyway. Daddy issues aside, my dad had never really hurt me. What, I couldn't cry in front of him? So what? Some people have actual problems, Pre-Cancer Leo, just take it from Post-Cancer Leo. I wished I could go back to laying on my bed, sad about May. I wished May would break my heart again, just so I could feel how simple it felt.