When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 43: Hot Chocolate

The day after prom was a difficult one. I was always reminded after days of feeling good and normal that things were bad and not normal, in fact, thing never would be normal again.
Myra and I had driven after prom to a party, but I'd felt so worn out we didn't even go inside. I apologized to her so many times I lost count. My lungs were starting to act up and my energy was leaving me quickly. I drove Myra home and then made it back to my place, thankfully, before all but passing out in my suit across my bed.
The next morning, I could hardly move. I was laying perfectly still. I wished I could do this for MRIs.
I hated the way I felt. I always knew, in the back of my mind, that if I was enjoying something, I'd pay for it later.
My energy was an extremely valuable currency, and I normally spent it on the things that mattered most to me. I had to prioritize what was most important I be awake for. Prom took the cake, the next three days didn't, I gave up all my energy in one night and I did it for myself and Myra. Because of this, I missed a dinner with my family the next day, and Reid's soccer game he'd asked me to go to. It sucked, but I didn't know what else to do.

I think my mom knew I was starting to get bummed out, she normally tip-toed around my feelings, never asking me to do anything, instead she presented opportunities for me to do things and let me say if I wanted to do something or not. I don't think she knew I knew her tricks, but I did.
Her red curls were fabulously illuminated by the sun coming through the door when she came in on that Thursday and said,

"Leo, the principal just called... you're graduating!" it was a bit of a command. I would be graduating, she wasn't asking if I felt up to it.

"I am?"

"Yes, all your credits transferred! You did it, baby."

I sat still for a minute and then smiled, "Well, cool. Will they send my diploma here?"

She bit her lip, standing in the kitchen with paper bags full of groceries. She'd just come in from work and I was laying on the couch watching a rerun of Friends.

"Well, there's more, though," she hesitated.

More. There's always more.

I raised a brow at her, pausing the TV.

She let out a breath. "Your principal wants you to give a speech at graduation... and I think you should... if you feel up to it, of course..."

I stared at her, trying to tell if she was being serious or not, and then I laughed, just because I was so certain she had to be joking.

"I'm not kidding, Leo, I think this would be good for you... and it's an honor!"

I shot her a look, "He's just trying to tug the heart strings. There's nothing special about me other than the cancer."

"Leo, are you serious?" She glanced at me with disbelief, "You're valedictorian."

I pulled a face at her, almost angry, a little bit shocked, "No, I'm not. Lily An is way smarter than me. In fact, there's plenty of people who are smarter than me."

"Well, you're the one who got a 4.1, Lily is salutatorian. If you don't believe me, call Reid or Myra," she said over her shoulder, putting cans in the pantry, "or I'll let you call Principal Wheeler yourself."

"Mom, there's no way I'm valedictorian. Is that even fair? I've been online all year. I'm not sure I've been... challenged in the same way as I would have been?"

She shrugged, "Well, Principal Wheeler called to congratulate you and to invite you to give your speech. It needs to be between eight and ten minutes and you need to do a read-over for him before next Saturday."

I threw my head back on the arm of the sofa. A speech? I couldn't even hardly hold normal conversations most days, how am I supposed to give a speech? Let alone promise that I'll be somewhere?

She didn't speak and neither did I, both waiting on the other to bite first. I knew she expected me to give in.

Instead, I resumed the episode of Friends, and she continued putting away groceries.

That evening, I laid in bed waiting on Myra to come over. I'd been feeling low lately, and I hated it. She promised to make me feel better with hot chocolate, and so I told her it was an emergency. When she finally got there, I guessed my mom let her in. I was surprised when she opened my door, because I expected her to message me when she arrived.

"Hey, Leo," she smiled, coming through the doorframe.
"Uh, hey, sorry... I thought you'd let me know when you were here," I muttered.
"Oh, I let myself in... your mom said you've been pretty tired, huh?"
I nodded.
"I'm so tired," I pulled my knees up to my chest and took my head in my hands, "I'm just really tired."
She looked on, a paper bag in her arms, at the sight of me. She was sympathetic.
"I know you are, I'm sorry," she soothed. She placed the bag on the floor beside he bed and sat next to me, placing a cold hand on my neck.
"I'm valedictorian, did you know that?" I said, puffing out my cheeks.
She grinned, "Well, yeah. I thought you knew that?"
I shook my head, "I didn't."
"I'm very proud of you."
I looked up at her, "I don't think I deserve it. I don't think I've been challenged like everyone else. Lily is way smarter. I wouldn't be valedictorian if I didn't do online..."
I sat back against my headboard, looking up at the ceiling.
"Leo, are you kidding?" She spun towards me, her face colored in disbelief, "you haven't been challenged?" Suddenly, she was angry.
I cocked my head to the side. "C'mon, you know what I mean..."
"Leo, you're smart. You aced the classes. You worked hard. You did all of it while facing... this, and you deserve it. Just let yourself win for once, would you?" She had an edge to her voice, she sounded annoyed.
I nodded.
"You're right. I'm sorry," I sighed, "What's in the bag?"
She smiled then, wiping the frustrated look from her face.
"Everything you need for some hot chocolate," she said, pulling contents from the wrinkled paper.
She laid them on my bedspread: a tin of hot chocolate her mom got from Switzerland several months before, a bag of Jet Puffed marshmallows, a spray can of cool whip, and two mugs, one with a cat with sunglasses on, and the other with Johnny Cash's mugshot on the front.
I grabbed the Johnny cup and grinned.
"Just what I need."
She shook her head, smiling warmly.

We sat in my floor drinking our hot chocolate once we'd made it and decorated it with floating marshmallows and cool whip spirals.
We sat quietly for a while, the silence was comfortable, though. She poked at a marshmallow, resubmerging it each time it bobbed back up.
"Myra, I'm having a really hard time, lately."
The confession came out of me without my permission. I shifted uncomfortably as she looked up at me, surprised.
"You are?"
I nodded.
"I just don't know what the point of all of this is anymore... I'm trying to find it," I sighed.
Her eyes were wide, and she looked back down at her mug of chocolate. She pulled the glass to her lips and took a slow sip.
"We all live until we die, Leo. That's all anyone can do, you know. You just... happen to know when you're probably gonna die. That's all."
Her words came easily for her, or so it seemed.
"I guess. I don't know what's wrong with me," I shook my head in anger.
She said nothing.
"I'm sad all the time. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like I should be happy these last few months. Everyone talks about these people... the ones who die, and they never complained, not once... they were hopeful until the day they died, they kept their sense of humor... and they were such good people, right? Why can't I be that way? Why do I feel like everything is so awful?"
I don't think I was actually looking for an answer, but she gave me one.
"Because it is."

I blinked at her. Finally someone said it. Someone besides me to myself.

"It sucks, right?" I said, the affirmation lifting weights off my chest.
"It really sucks." She nodded. Her eyes looked like a puppy's, her brow furrowed slightly and a sad gaze fixed on me.
"It does suck, and nobody should tell you how to feel, Leo. You have the right not to be happy. You don't owe anyone anything... not even me. I'm sorry I snapped at you."
I met her gaze then, and smiled.
"No big deal. I'll probably give my speech. I know it will mean a lot to my family."
She nodded.
We sipped our chocolate until we reached the black concentrated chocolate at the bottom of the cups.
We talked and talked, and for a bit it felt normal. Not even like we were normal teens dating, but normal Leo and Myra, before we ever became anything more than best friends.
I'd laid back against the side of the bed, fighting to keep my eyes open. Myra was telling me something important about her art exhibits. I was trying so hard to stay with her.
"Leo?" She asked, but all I could give her in response was a,
"Mmm?"
"Leo, can you just hold on for a little while longer?" I heard her say.
But before I could respond, she was talking to herself.