When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 34: Investments

As the days passed, I got better. It was amazing how well I felt. I could get up and down with ease. I could walk around. I didn't feel like keeling over every second of every day. I was glad of that.
I had weak lungs. The spots on my lungs were getting bigger. I knew this. There were spots everywhere, though. Spots on my stomach, spots on my liver, spots in my lungs. I was thankful there weren't any in my brain just yet. I could still function. Other than my weak lungs, I felt fine. On exceptionally good days, I'd venture to say I felt normal. I was so grateful to be feeling okay again. I never thought the day would come.
I went out to the movies with Reid, I ate dinner with my family. I played with Little Leo, and I wrote music with Sam.
I hadn't spoken to Myra in weeks, and I was starting to feel guilty. I missed her. Maybe it was time to call her.
I fumbled with my cell phone for a while, looking at her number and pressing END over and over. I was nervous. I'd been such a jerk.
Finally, I relented and called her.
It rang five nerve-wracking times. I contemplated hanging up.
I pulled the phone away from my face. This was stupid, she probably didn't want to talk to me.
But then I heard her.
"Leo?"
I stuck the phone back to my ear.
"Myra... Hey," was my response. Smooth.
"Hey," she said.
Geez.
"Myra, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry, for everything. I just... A lot is going on, and I'm really stressed out. It's been a lot... I didn't know if you knew what you were getting into. I mean, well, I'm dying, Myra. I hope you know that. And I'm really scared. But you're the only thing... The only good thing that has come of this. And you're one of my very best friends. I really don't want to lose you, and if that means we don't date, or... Whatever... And we go back to just friends... I'm okay with that-"
The word vomit was unstoppable. The words tumbled out of my mouth in a clumsy manner.
"And I'm sorry... So sorry. I was just scared... I don't want to hurt you. I hope you'll accept my apology."
I waited for a reply but didn't receive one for a long moment.
"Myra?" I asked.
I checked the phone to make sure she was still on with me.
"Myr-" she interrupted me.
"Can I come over?"
A sigh of relief on my end.
"Of course."
When we got off the phone, I rushed around my room. In an idiotic display, I made sure I put on actual clothes. I dressed myself in jeans and a shirt. I ran into the bathroom and wet the tufts of hair with a comb. They were getting a bit unruly.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Sam looked at me like I was a maniac when he ran into me in the hallway.
"Where are you going?" He'd asked.
And excitedly, I said over my shoulder,
"Nowhere!"
I headed downstairs, and my mom was shocked to see me up and dressed. She was sitting in the kitchen going over bills. She adjusted her glasses to take a look at me. Eyebrows raised, she said,
"Wow, what's gotten into you?"
I went to answer, but before I could, there was a knock at the door.
I opened the door and there she was.
She had her hair pulled back behind her head in a loose braid. She was wearing jeans with busted knees and a flannel shirt. I think it might have been mine, in fact.
We stood in the doorway in an awkward confrontation, neither one of us saying anything at first.
We looked at each other in a bit of shock. Who would say the first words?
I opened my mouth in surrender, about to muster up some words that could possibly start the conversation.
Instead, she grabbed my face with both hands, and pulled me in towards her, and she locked lips with me.
It was a real kiss. One unlike anything I'd had before. Even with May. At our best, May and I had never felt like this.
It was electrifying. It made me the happiest I'd been in so many months.
The kiss went on for a moment before my mom let out a cough, reminding us she was there.
Then we pulled apart, our cheeks red.
I pulled her into a hug, as tight as I could manage.
She pushed her face into my chest.
"God, I have missed you," she whispered.
"Myra... I'm so sorry. I know, I already said that..."
She shook her head.
"I know why you did it. I understand. I should have been more understanding. We can pretend it never happened. Let's... Just start over?"
I nodded.
"Yeah. Please."

After that, we went inside. My mom hugged Myra and said she was glad to see her. It felt amazing to have Myra back. She is what had been missing. We sat and talked all evening until late, then I was able to walk her home. It had been so long since I felt relatively normal.

I suddenly felt a few times better about my decisions, but the gnawing concern was still there. As glad as I was to be home, I was still afraid of her getting hurt.

A few days later, my mom was in the kitchen washing dishes. I came downstairs and sat myself at the kitchen table.
"Good morning, baby," she said, over her shoulder.
"Morning," I said back. I was lacing up my shoes. I was supposed to meet Myra for lunch downtown.
We were both quiet for a moment, but I could feel the air was tense. She had something to say.
"Leo, does Myra know of your condition?" She finally asked.
I couldn't help myself from laughing.
"Are you kidding? Does Myra know I have cancer?"
She shot a glance at me.
"Leo, it's gotten more serious. You know what I mean," she replied. She turned towards me.
"I just want to make sure she knows what she is getting into, son," she had a look of deep concern on her face.
"I think she knows, mom," I said finally.
She was quiet for a second, pondering my answers.
She turned back to the sink and continued washing.
"Okay."

I met Myra for lunch downtown. We walked around for a while and looked for a good place to eat. We finally settled on a gourmet burger restaurant which I'd never been to. We sat down almost as soon as we got there, and looked over the menus.
"Hi there," the spunky waitress greeted us.
"I'm Lucy, I'll be your waitress today! Can I get you both started with something to drink?"
Myra got lemonade and I got water. When the drinks came back, we'd had a chance to look over the menus.
"I'll have a... Mushroom and Swiss burger with fries please," Myra ordered.
I decided on a black and bleu burger.
It had been so, so long since I'd felt an appetite. I was hungry. I could eat with ease.

Throughout lunch, Myra and I caught up on everything we'd missed for the last month.
Most of my stuff was hospital things, like scans they'd done and how I'd felt about it.
Her stuff was mostly about school. She was feeling ready for finals, but not so much graduation. She was ready to turn eighteen in June. She was thinking about cutting her hair.

"I accepted the offer from Brown, Leo," she smiled, she was looking down at her hands that were on the table.
I raised my eyebrows.
"Really? That's amazing... I'm really proud of you, Myra," I said.
And it was honest. I think. My heart sank just the smallest bit, and I realized I wasn't entirely happy about it.
Even when I told Myra to go to school, it wasn't because I was dying, just because I was hindering her from doing what she wanted. When I broke up with her, it was because I didn't want to be the one who held her back. Now, the prospects of dying were real. In fact, it wasn't even prospects anymore. It was happening.
All the more reason for her to go to school, right?

"Thanks Leo," she smiled tenderly.
"So I was thinking this summer, after graduation, before we move away, you, Reid and I could go on a big trip. Maybe to Canada." She took a bite of her fries.

I licked my lips, thinking of a way to breach the subject.
"Myra, do you know how sick I am?"
She looked up, eyes wide.
"Of course, Leo," she scoffed.
"But you seem to be doing a bit better. At least, I mean... You're home, right?" She shrugged.
"No. Myra," I started.
"How was the burger?" Lucy interrupted.
"Amazing, thanks," I said, breaking our conversation.
"Good, sweetie," she took our plates and cleared the table.
The conversation was stunted.
I paid for our meals as we headed out the door.
We said nothing for a moment as we walked down the sidewalk. But then, she grabbed my hand and said,
"Park?"
We walked to the park towards our neighborhood.
We sat at our spot. She looked out over the park, smiled at the ducks walking near the pond.
I looked over at her, and took in a breath.
"Myra, you know that coming home isn't good, right?"
She closed her eyes and nodded after a moment.
"I know Leo. I know."
"I understand if you want to invest your time in someone else... I can't promise you how long we'll have," I sighed. I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my lap. It's something I'd been thinking about for a while. Why would any of them want to waste their time with me if I was just going to die anyway? Why would anyone try to invest time or energy into something they knew wouldn't survive?
She shook her head.
"Are you crazy?" She furrowed her brow.
"You're not an investment, Leo. This isn't a bad stock or a risky gamble." She looked up at me then, our eyes meeting for a moment.
"I love you, Leo. That's why."
I sat still, my mind racing.
"You love me?" I asked.
She nodded, biting her lip.
"Yeah, I love you," she said again.
As afraid as I was, she made things better, easier. Those words scared me, and I think they probably would scare any guy my age, whether they were looking out at the prospects of dying or not. She made everything feel at peace. I decided that she was exactly what I needed at the exact right time. Myra stepped from being a friend who punched my shoulder when I made a dirty joke to someone I loved, and not just in a friendly way. That's when I decided that if there was a God, this was his gift to me. Myra closed all the holes in my heart that cancer ripped through. She made me unafraid, and she made me feel better prepared for what was coming.
"I love you too."