When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 29: The End of the Beginnining

Myra and I went to get Italian food at Mario's Italia which was downtown. It was a short walk away and the food had been delicious. We talked about the prospects of people on Mars and about the bands showing downtown that month. Throughout the evening, I tried desperately to push Brown to the back of my mind. But after dinner, we decided to walk to the park. Myra waited while I sat on each park bench. I was dangerously low on energy reserves. I was afraid of how the night would play out. She rubbed my back while I gasped for air and when I finally caught my breath, we would walk again. I was determined for this night to happen. We made it almost to the park, but by then I was dangerously close to passing out. I had no energy left.
"Myra we... We gotta stop," I hung my head.
Her eyebrows came together in a look of deep concern.
"It's okay, I'm okay. I just need to sit. I can't walk right now," I pleaded.
We found the nearest bench and I collapsed into it. She sat next to me. She reached for my hand, and it caught me by surprise almost.
After a few minutes of catching my breath, I released a deep sigh.
"Myra, can we talk?"
She turned her head towards me, smiling, "of course."
"Well, when I was at your house waiting on you... I was talking to your mom, and she said you're putting off Brown."
There was a long silence. Neither one of us looked at the other. Finally, I realized she wasn't going to open right up.
"You got in, didn't you?" I closed my eyes and waited for her reply.
There was silence for a moment and then a deep breath, and a quiet,
"Yes."
There was another long silence as my mind spun around the word.
"But, Leo, I want to be here with you. I don't want to leave like this. You're sick..."
I shook my head, "you know I can't let you do that."
"I didn't ask you if I could, Leo," she chuckled, but there was no humor.
I looked her in the eyes then.
"Myra, you can't do that," I said, my voice catching slightly.
"You can't put off Brown. Not for me."
"I didn't do it for you. I did it for me," she replied. She was getting increasingly defensive.
I was too.
"Myra, you wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for me. I can't let you put your life on hold because of me. It's not right... And... you lied to me!" I yelled.
She yanked her hand away then.
"You're not holding me back Leo!"
She cried.
I shook my head in anger.
"I'm holding you back right now!" I made a large sweeping gesture with my hands. I couldn't even walk up the street. Did she really see a future with me? We couldn't even have one night.
She looked stern then.
"I don't need your permission to do anything, Leo. I never asked your permission, and I don't need it. I'm a big girl. I can make my own choices."
I was dumbfounded. She was mad at me? She's the one who lied.
"You're just going to wait around for me to die? So you can go to school then?"
She shook her head and looked away. I swear there was a tear. She flicked it away so quickly, it was hard to tell.
"Myra you need to go to school. You need to leave. I might not even make it through the summer! I mean, nobody knows. What if I die over the summer and you turned down Brown to stay here? Or what if I die tomorrow and you've turned it down?"
She closed her eyes tight.
"Leo you're not the only one who is going to suffer, okay? You're not the only one who is hurting! God, you are so selfish." The words flew out of her mouth like venom. It hurt.
"I'm selfish? I want you to go follow your fucking dream Myra! I want you to go live your life! I don't get that... I don't get to go off to school. You do! You have this chance, I'm trying to tell you to take it!"
"Maybe I don't want it! Did you ever think about that? Did you ever think maybe my priorities have shifted a little?"
Her pale skin flushed with red hot anger. Her arms were crossed over her chest in a defensive position.
"Your priority needs to be yourself. And school. And being fucking eighteen. Your life doesn't end when mine does. I want you to be able to move on. I want you to start moving on, because it's coming. I can feel it."
I drew in a long breath, a rattling, sick breath. I closed my eyes and released again.
I knew what I had to do, but God I didn't want to.
"Myra, this is the end," I breathed out.
She rolled her eyes.
"We've been over this. You're not dead yet," she said.
I shook my head.
"No, Myra, I mean... This is the end for us."

She looked up, then, meeting my eyes. They had a glimmer of fear in them, of shock.

 "But it's just the beginning for you."

Hot, mean tears stabbed at the backs of my eyes. I looked up at the dark sky. We were lucky nobody had passed by this park bench while we fought. It was a moment just for the two of us. As quick as the beginning but as painful as any other ending, it was our moment. Just like the first moment and the other ones in between. I didn't love her, and then I didn't know I loved her, and then I learned I loved her, and then I loved her. And I would never stop loving her. I'd love her with every breath until the dying one and it was coming up soon. My beautiful Valentine, my best friend. It was the end of both of those things but she would always be the love of my life.
She was quiet and calm at first but the tears were dropping from her cheeks to her dress.
"Leo, don't do this," she pled.
I shook my head. "I can't hold you back like this."
I forced myself up, stopping for a moment to catch my balance.
I caught it and then walked away, slowly, steadily. The tears flowed then, hitting my cheeks in hot streams. I didn't have time for regret. I didn't have time to regret anything I did. I had to be 100% committed to everything, because anything could be the last thing I did. But, you know, anything could be the last thing anyone did. Cancer didn't make that magically happen, just made me aware of it. And so I walked away from her, my valentine on the bench. My beautiful Myra, with the braid across her forehead, dressed for setting out on a night much different than the one she ended up with.
She will make some lucky bastard very happy one day.
I kept walking, huffing past the benches within eyeshot of Myra and kept going until I thought I'd absolutely pass out. And then, I coughed. And I kept coughing. I was passing street-light lit houses and the sidewalk passed trees and ran straight to my house. I kept coughing and coughing and didn't stop, I couldn't stop. I was out of eyeshot and earshot of Myra and I was glad of that, but also starting to be a bit worried. I was a mess, crying and coughing and then, I choked while coughing. And I stumbled forward onto the grass, landing on my hands and knees and spewed my guts. I was a sick, sick man. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and my eyes with the other hand. I was angry more than anything, and it took all my will-power not to scream. I couldn't walk anymore. I was reduced to this, and it was only getting worse from here. I shivered as my breath appeared in front of me.
I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number. I waited in the cold, in front of my sick. I pulled my knees to my chest and my hood over my head.
Within 5 minutes, Aaron pulled up beside me. He slammed his truck door and left it running. He hurried over to me and rubbed my back a minute. He was in his outfit from the night still. He'd finished dinner, thankfully and was just getting home with Lara the baby when I called.
I was freezing and sick. Puking made me queasy, which was funny a little bit. I might laugh about the irony later. He sucked in a breath through his teeth.
"God, Leo. You're burning up."
I believed it. I felt clammy and cold.
He helped me up and into the truck. He almost helped buckle me but I insisted on doing it myself. I struggled with it for a minute before getting it.
"Tough night?"
I nodded, leaning my hot head against the cold window.
"Wanna talk about it?" He asked, pulling the truck into drive.
"I'll let you know."