When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 26: Surprise

The night before Valentine's Day, I sat in my room, at my desk. I was going over and over in my mind what I wanted to give Myra. I had the uncomfortable nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me that it would need to last her. So, I scratched out "flowers" and "chocolates" on my list simultaneously. Those would be gone within a week. I wanted to give her something she could hold on to, something that acted both as a Valentine's present for best-friends-turned-desperate-lovers and also as something she could hold while she wanted to be near me when it was impossible to be.
I started by writing all the things I felt down on paper. I needed to get it out of me, and I wanted to immortalize it. But I didn't know how to get there.

I started with,
"Dear Myra, happy Valentines Day,"
I sat back and stared at it. There were so many routes to choose from. Do I do the goodbye? Do I leave her something beautiful and poetic, love-professing? Or do I tell her everything I want her to know?
In frustration, I folded up the piece of paper and stuck it in my journal.
I'd have to try again later.

That night, my family sat around the dinner table. My mom made chicken cordon bleu and mashed potatoes and peas. It looked amazing and everyone else dug in but my appetite escaped me. Everyone was eating, the only sound was the clanking of forks and knives on plates and the occasional sip of water.
About midway through, my mom's face was covered in a smile and she blurted out,
"Oh! I just can't wait anymore!" And we all looked up at her. My dad smiled too. She clanked a glass with her knife, as if she didn't already have our attention. Giddy, she announced, "Guys, well... Your father and I have been planning for the last few months... And, well... we're going to Europe!" Everyone looked at each other in astonishment for a moment before she nodded excitedly, confirming we heard her right.
Everyone's face brightened up, there was excitement yet confusion still as well. Sam's jaw even dropped, but then he asked, "wait, when?"
Mom looked at me and then back at Sam.
"This summer... June."
With an incredulous look, Aaron said, "Who?"
And my dad said, "All of us. We already started paying on it a while ago."
My heart sank. June. They wanted me to go to Europe in June? I wanted to say, are you serious? But I just shook my head. I let out an audible, dark chuckle. They all turned their attention to me. I got up, knees shaking and pulled myself up the stairs with all the force I had in me. I was winded by the middle of the staircase but I couldn't turn back now. The drama was already happening.
I fell down on my bed and laid on my back. I looked up at the ceiling and counted the star stickers that were up there. How could they even announce that? They knew I wouldn't be here. They knew I would be gone by then, right? Why are we still pretending? And even if I wasn't dead, I'd be a lot deader than I was right now. I would not be able to go with them.
About ten minutes into my thoughts, there was a knock at the door. I didn't even ask who it was before the door opened and Aaron walked in. His face held no expression. I was confused and pulled myself into a sitting position. He walked over and sat beside me. He didn't say anything at first. I tried to measure his expression, but he was always so good at hiding what he wanted to say.
He looked at the wall, away from me and then when I opened my mouth to cut the silence he held up a hand.
"Leo, you're alive. Do you understand that?" He still didn't look at me. He spoke slowly.
"You're here. Not there." He pointed up.
I shook my head at him.
"Aaron, you don't get it, you just don't, okay? You have this... This life, with a wife and a baby and it's just starting for you. I mean... I'm not going to--" he cut me off,
"Leo!" He grabbed my hand, then. He held it tight in his hand and pushed it towards me, laying it over my chest. I felt my heart beat under my ribs.
"It's there! It's beating! You are here." There were tears in his eyes now. I understood exactly what he was doing now, and I felt awful that he had to do it.
"You're not dead. Not yet, okay? You are alive! You still have life left in you." His face was angry, frustrated. He held my hand against my own chest still and then, right as I felt myself getting defensive, he said, "I know, I can't imagine what it's like to be you. I know that I don't know what you are feeling and I can't begin to understand..." He trailed off, the tears were on his cheeks now, his voice was caught.
"I mean I have Leo now... He's beautiful. He looks just like you did as a baby, Leo," he sniffed and then smiled, "I actually think he looks more like you than he looks like me... But, I know what it is to be a parent now, and I know how I feel about him... And how mom and dad feel about you. You can't imagine what it is to be them. They are trying so hard to make things right for you. They're trying to make you happy. That's all they have left to hang on to. Okay? I mean... Man, they love you so much. You have no idea..."
I felt awful. I was reminded once again, and in this colossal wake up call that my cancer and my death effects so much more than just me.
He took a deep breath and looked at me again,
"But you're here right now. Don't act like it's over until it is, okay?"
I remembered my promise to Myra, which was so very similar. I was failing on upholding my promise. I closed my eyes then, and the tears pricked at the backs of them.
"Yeah. Yeah okay," I nodded.
Aaron let go of me then, he sat back and looked at me and then leaned forward, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into a hug.
"You are an amazing brother, Leo. I look up to you... I always have. The baby's name was going to be Leo even before the cancer... It's not about you dying... It's about your life. It's about us playing basketball after school and writing songs together... You're my best friend, man," he leaned back, smiled, and rubbed my head as he stood up to leave.
Best friend. My brother told me I was his best friend. I took in a deep breath and exhaled, laying back on my bed.
I saw my keyboard out of the corner of my eye. It was sitting behind my closet door.
I knew then exactly what to do.