When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 46: Sleep

The days morphed together. I didn't measure time in matter of days, but rather in awake and asleep. I was sleeping on average, 12 hours a day. Not 12 in a row, throughout the night, but scattered in fragments. The pain was taking me over. I'd wake up to moan for a bit in pain. My mom would dutifully plug my IV into more narcotics. I did my part by falling back asleep. Then, a few hours later, I'd wake up again to vomit from the awful way the medicine all jumbled inside me. My mom would give me an anti-emetic. I would fall back asleep.
Our time passed this way. It seemed quick to me, but I was asleep for half of it. I imagined the process became mundane for my mom, but she never complained. She was always right where I expected her to be when my eyes opened.
Myra came to visit often. Reid came by to tell me he was sorry, but that he had to go off to school. I remembered his summer program. I knew he'd been excited about it and I didn't want to take away from that. I had to face the reality that I might have seen Reid for the last time.
I didn't tell anyone about the prognosis, I didn't want them to know. And I guess, they could be angry about it after I was gone. For now, I wanted to protect them. I had to do what I could to make sure they would be okay. And that meant Reid going off to school and not skipping summer session to be with me. It meant Myra still making plans to go off to Brown in the fall, not making plans for my funeral. It meant that everyone would move about their lives in an order that meant they'd be able to keep going once I was gone.

One night, I'd fallen asleep with a fever. My mom did what she could to keep it under control. She administered fever-reducers and fluids nonstop. My fever just climbed. Finally, it was time for her last resort. She pulled out the bag that would put me to sleep for at least a little while. It would knock me out, I wouldn't be in pain. But for whatever reason, I panicked. I knew the risks of being put to sleep in my state. The risks being, not waking up again.

"Leo, we have to." She held the bag up, asking for my arm.
"No, I'm... fine," I hissed.
"You're obviously not fine, baby... let me have your arm."
I shook my head in defiance. The pain felt like it was swallowing me whole. I thought I might black out. My insides felt like they were burning up with the fever that ravished my body.
"Leo, give me your arm, son," she said firmly. I shook my head again, scrunching my face up in torment.

"Mom... Mom..." I gasped out panicked breaths.
Sam stood in my doorway, he wore a nervous expression, eyes anxiously darting from my mom to me and down at his feet. I heard her tell him something, and he nodded before heading down the hallway.

"Mom, I'm gonna pass out... I'm gonna throw up..." I groaned, the pain radiating in my gut and back. My words were thick, hard to get out.

"Leo, it's okay baby, you're okay, you're not going to do either, just sit still," she soothed.

She looked at the doorway anxiously, and then my dad was in the doorway. My vision was starting to get hazy, I was hyperventilating.

"Leo, son, let your mother do what she needs to do," he directed.

"I'm gonna puke," I reminded them.

"Bill..." she whispered. He nodded at her, taking my arm. He sat on the bed beside me, jostling everything inside me and held my arm down and I couldn't even fight it.

"Stop! Stop! Don't do this! Please!" I cried, my voice cracking.

"Shh, Leo, buddy, it's all okay, you will be okay," she said, her own voice wavering. I know I must have been a pathetic sight.

She had the IV in within moments and I felt my skin start to crawl as the medicine took effect. My jaw quivered.
"I... mom, I don't-"
"Shh, Leo..."
"No, no... oh, god, I don't... I-I don't feel right," I stammered, the pain overwhelming me. I felt dizzy and faint, and then a realization swept over me.

"Oh... god, I'm gonna die," I sobbed.

My mom covered her face with her hands and excused herself from the room then. My dad stood close by, he put a hand on my shoulder, his cold hand soothed my fevered body.

"Not yet. Just rest, bud."

"I'm going to throw up."

"Shh."

"I'm going to..."

•••

When I woke up, my pain was gone. I felt better than I had in weeks. I looked around at the clock hanging by my bed. It was 3:02 AM. Everyone was asleep. It was Tuesday, that meant I'd been asleep for two days.
And then I heard a tap on the window, moving slowly, as not to hurt myself, I made my way over and looked out. From our heightened first floor living room, I looked out to see Ophelia. She waved. I slid the window up, trying desperately not to wake my weary family.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, hastily and, perhaps a bit angrily.
"I came to see you!" She shouted.
"Shh! You're being too loud. You'll wake everyone up!" I scolded, looking over my shoulder to make sure nobody was awoken.
Turning my attention back to her I pulled a face and she laughed.
"I highly doubt it."
I rolled my eyes.
"What does that even mean? It's three am! People are sleeping," I whispered, but loud enough for her to hear.
"Forget it. Do you want to come with me?" She smirked.
I furrowed my brow.
"Come with you where? You show up here at three in the morning, I haven't seen you in weeks! And then you ask me to go with you? What does that even mean? Go where?"
She shook her head.
"Just come on, I swear you'll feel better!"
I hadn't even told her I was feeling bad.
"I'm fine," I crossed my arms over my chest like a petulant four year old. The crickets chirped in the black night.
"Oh, come on Leo, you're anything but fine."
I rolled my eyes.
"I'm fine, why do you always do this? Why do you always come at such awful times? Why are you always so damn cryptic? Why can't you just tell me what you want?"
She looked up at me and paused for a moment.
"So you don't want to come with me? Are you sure?"
I looked at her face, so flawless. She almost looked like a porcelain doll standing out front. She was wearing a black sweater and jeans. Just the presence of her around me comforted me, and I hated it.
"I'm sure."
She shrugged, sighing.
"One of these days you'll come with me, you know? I have so much to show you."
I shook my head.
"Okay. Whatever. Goodnight Ophelia."
She smiled at me, waving a hand. There was something so innocent about her.
"Goodnight Leo, see you later."
I tried to close the window silently but my grip slipped and it slammed shut with a bang. I jumped, turning around and bracing for my dad to come downstairs to see what was going on. He didn't. Everything stayed silent. I climbed back in the bed. I pressed my body into the pillows and sighed out. I was asleep within seconds.

•••
When I woke up, the pain had intensified. I jolted awake by the little food I'd consumed the few days before trying to rip its way through my esophagus, I sputtered up the bit if water I'd had and my mom was beside me in a second, rubbing my back with a trash bin under my lip.
"You really scared us, there, Leo." She soothed.
Scared you? I was fine until just now.
I looked at her, confused for a second before turning back to the bin and spitting.
"This is awful," I groaned.
"Well, your fever was about a hundred and five."
I rubbed my eyes and distanced myself from the trash bin, the smell of what I'd done making me feel even worse.
"Do you feel any better?" She said, taking out the garbage.
"Same old," I said, a shiver running down me.
"Well, good. I'm just glad to see you awake again. We'd almost called everyone." She commented.
I furrowed my brow and leaned back. I wished I could remember what she was talking about, but maybe it's best I didn't.