Aubrey (Revolving With Axis)

118: Rafe

118:

Rafe

I had worried about her being nervous in showers, or anywhere I wasn't right there. She had a right to be skittish. She'd been cruelly treated and hurt. Her purple and green eye reminded me of that every time I looked at it. But now--- it was forgotten. I was with her, and nothing else mattered.

We stood on the top of the winding wall fed maze on this funny little hill overlooking the city and the gondola, where a long line of tourists had formed at the foot of it. But we were just enjoying the wind.

"Aubrey--- the Bishop had me read this article this morning."

She turned from leaning over the edge of the railing wall. Her eyes were crystal in the sunlight, and so interested in me, and everything about me.

"It was about masturbation."

"Okay."

"And it says that there is to be no questioning during the temple recommend interview of how a person chooses to keep the law of chastity in regards to this, or porn, or anything else. Except the actual commandment that you read to me, and I agreed to."

"And that means what?"

"It said that most religions spend a lot of time focusing on behavioral adherence related to their doctrine and not enough time dedicated to teaching about the atonement and a personal relationship with the Savior. Too many times people get caught up in not allowing any deviation from what is deemed appropriate behavior and this stands in the way of them coming to know and have a deeper relationship with the divine."

"Are you quoting it?"

"Yes."

"So, you're thinking that nobody is going to come right out and ask you how you live the law of chastity, as long as you are not currently committing adultery, and that your own interpretation of it is going to suffice until you and the Savior decide otherwise."

"I like your way of putting things. Correct."

We stared out at the hazy city, the sun beating down on houses and trailers, and buildings and cars and horses and carts. It was a strange mixture of old and new.

Finally Aubrey turned to me. "If I apply that concept to myself then here is what I come up with. Porn is still evil. I won't allow it in my home. Masturbation has nothing to do with me. I may not like it personally, but I've never experienced it, or even seen it for myself. I see no medical reasons for it to be discontinued, but I see many reasons why it can possibly be beneficial. So I withhold judgment. I believe that the Lord has given us two basic ways we can feel unworthy, and we have to decide how they will affect us ourselves. Guilt and shame. Guilt is His way of telling us to make a change. Shame is --- different. Self imposed."

"I agree."

"So, as far as the temple recommend questions come up you need to answer them with personal integrity within the mandates of your own conscience."

I nodded. "Can you live with that?"

"I can. Can you?"

I nodded again.

"As far as the LGBT sponsorship goes. You are right, there might be alternative ways I can support them without losing my temple recommend." The wind blew my words to the side, and she looked at me until I repeated what I wanted to say, then she nodded slowly.

"You realize this is almost as hard for me as it is for you." She said.

I hadn't thought that it was. She was already there, already worthy. She already had a relationship with the Savior. I was not sure about mine. But I was beginning to get an inkling of how it might be possible to be a member of the church and even go to the temple without being perfect, without knowing everything there was to know, and without compromising who I thought I was. Yes, there were changes that needed to be made, but at my side was this nearly perfect angel, and I wanted to keep her.