Until Then

Chapter 6

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CHAPTER 6

Quinn

I toss my keys onto the small table near my front door. It's dark inside my apartment, but I always leave a small light on in the kitchen for nights when I come in late. I toe my shoes off and then pull my socks from my feet, loving the way it feels when the cool air hits them. I'm sore everywhere from my shift, but my feet are always the loudest, throbbing as I wiggle my toes and roll my ankles.

After leaving my purse next to my keys, I head for the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and then straight for my bathroom so that I can grab some Motrin from the medicine cabinet and get out of these dirty scrubs. It's been a long day and the thought of getting into a hot shower makes my steps more hurried.

As I make my way down the hall, I get the strangest feeling someone is watching me. I stop walking and look over my shoulder even though I know no one should be here. The apartment is empty, but a few minutes later when I'm getting out of the shower I actually call out, "Is anyone there?" I know logically that there isn't another person in this place, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not alone.

Once I get my pajamas on, I grab a frozen dinner and pop it into the microwave. While it cooks I sort through the mail that I haven't had a chance to go through in a few days. I live a pretty simple life so there are only a few bills and two menus from local restaurants. I put the menus to the side so I'll remember to take them into work. Sometimes when the kids are feeling up to it they like to play make believe and use the shiny food advertisements to pretend they are at a fancy dinner or they're busy waitress taking orders.

I grab the food from the microwave and head over to my couch. I have a kitchen table, but I never eat there. It feels very lonely to be at a table all by yourself. I have a few friends that stop by from time to time, but they are nurses also and our schedules rarely line up so that we can share a meal outside the hospital. I've given up on the idea that I will sit down to a meal there.

My dinner routine now consists of a plate of food, the TV remote, and TV tray. Tonight my back is really hurting so I use a small throw pillow to support it. Hopefully the Motrin will make it feel better soon or I might have another night of restless sleep. It seems to be something I'm going to struggle with since I've had trouble getting a restful sleep for a few weeks now.

It doesn't really matter what's on the TV. I just can't sit alone in the house with no noise or I'll fall into this dark hole where I think about all the kids I have lost and the ones I'm going to lose soon. It's best if I can distract myself so I don't spend the evening full of anxiety or exhausted from shedding too many tears.

I'm a few bites into my dinner when I start feeling a bit nauseous. I'm not sure if it was the impulsive choice to eat a bag of M&M'S on an empty stomach earlier, or the surgery being performed on this channel that is now playing close ups of organs and blood, but I quickly lose my appetite. I try to push through and take a few more bites, but the anxiety and stress of today has my stomach in a knot and I just can't do it without feeling pain in my abdomen. Instead I set the tray aside, grab a light blanket to cover my feet and set my alarm on my phone in case I fall asleep.

Struggling with falling asleep has made me a bit desperate for it. I have told myself that I should shut my eyes wherever I am when I start feeling tired and not be so hung up on having to sleep in my bed. It's to the point now where looking at my fluffy bed all soft and inviting triggers a panicked feeling in my chest. I start looking at the clock and playing that game with myself where I calculate how much sleep I will get if I fall asleep in the next ten minutes—or hour, or three.

Tonight something feels different. I curl up and rest my head on the plush pillow near the arm of the couch, and watch the medical show even though it's like being at work all over again. Shows like this don't require much thinking; it's something I already know. I've tried watching home make-over shows or reality TV, but instead of having it lull me off to a quite sleep, I find my brain working overtime to analyze the choice of carpet, or who should be voted off in order for the show to remain tolerable.

I close my eyes when I feel them getting heavy, and let my body relax into the fluffy couch cushions. I have two more days of work before a day off and I'm hoping the Motrin can help me get through until I can get a massage or drop in with my acupuncturist for some help with the achy soreness that seems to be getting worse as I get older.

My last thought before falling asleep is of the Marine I'd seen in the reflection on the glass of the vending machine. I wonder if I'd seen him before, maybe I didn't even pay much attention but my brain had captured his imagine somehow. It was an odd thing to completely make up, so there had to be some other explanation. I feel myself drifting to sleep as I think about the way he'd looked at me and before I know it I'm off to dreamland for the first time in a few days.