Until Then

Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

Quinn

It sounds like the doctor is talking to me from outside a long tunnel. I hear his voice, but it is distant even though he's just to the side of my bed. I could reach up and touch him, but I don't because I'm locked into this bed in shock. Sure I knew I was very sick, but to hear that I have a terminal illness from a doctor in an emergency room was not at all how I thought this day would go when I left the hospital yesterday.

"There's a tumor on your pancreas. It's rather large. I'm not sure how you haven't had any symptoms until now, Quinn. I'm so sorry. I think you should talk to Dr. Wu. This is his specialty and he's the best in the state. I'm sure there's something he can do for you." Dr. Vance looks pained. He's trying hard not to make eye contact with me, keeping his eyes trained on the report in front of him. I had felt symptoms, I had just minimized them instead of taking time to get some medical attention.

"Shall I call him? I'm sure he'll come down and have a quick consult with you before you go home." The doctor reaches for the phone next to my bed.

"No—," I say rather abruptly. "No, not just yet. I'd like some time to think about everything." My thoughts are swirling in my head as if now the large tunnel that separates me from the doctor's voice is filling with water and swishing around any thought before I can even grab on to it.

"Quinn, you know how this is. It's on your pancreas." He says the last word as if it is weighted down with doom and gloom. I just nod my head.

"I know. I hear you. I just—just need some time to think. I can't start planning anything until I've had a good night's sleep. I'll call and make an appointment for tomorrow." I know he needs assurance I'm going to be taken care of. That's how we are here, one big family. I think when one of us gets sick, it's this huge wake-up call that we aren't all immune to the illnesses we treat.

"Sure, sure, I understand. I'm going to have Kathy call up to his secretary and get you scheduled for tomorrow before you leave. Don't argue it please, let me do this. I remember when my Marilyn got breast cancer. We were sort of stunned and felt immobile. Let me make sure there's step one of a plan in place. I know there isn't much he can do, but you have to get ahead of it if you want to treat the pain." His eyes look up into mine with a pleading expression. It won't hurt to have his staff get the appointment booked and it will relieve some of his guilt for having to break the news.

"Thanks Doc."

Pines' hand squeezes mine and I feel a slow rising warmth from where his palm held my own. It washes over me like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer.

Dr. Vance moves to leave the small space, but glances back at me when he hesitates at the foot of my bed. "I really am sorry. I wish we could have found it sooner." I think I see his eyes glass over with emotion. I've heard from a few of my nursing friends that his wife has survived her disease twice. He of all people knows what's ahead for me and I'm sure he's wrestled with the fear of its power.

"You did everything you could. I appreciate the head start you've given me." I wink at him, hoping he gets the idea that I'm in good spirits. I know how hard it is for these doctors to deliver this kind of news. No one wants to tell you that you're going to die.

He nods his head and pulls back the curtains. I hear his tight, strangled voice as he says, "If there is anything else I can do—anything at all, please don't hesitate to call. I can't imagine having to go through what you're about to without someone there by your side." He clears his throat and slides the curtains closed again.

I look at the sweet face of the marine at my side and smile. He moves his free hand so he can wrap it around our clasped ones and then stares down at where we are joined for a minute. Then his deep blue eyes look up into mine. "As a marine I signed up to follow orders, even if I didn't agree with them. Thankfully I've never been sent on a mission where I haven't agreed with the big picture." He shakes his head slowly, and I know he's struggling with the overwhelming sadness that has descended on us. "I finally know what I'm doing here, but I hate where this is going."

For the first time since getting the news I feel my lip start to tremble and the sting of tears prick my eyes. The first one escapes down my cheek as he looks at me and says, "I might not agree with your life ending, but I promise you won't be alone."