Until Then

Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

Kenneth

An hour is a very long time when you're watching the life slip from your friend. It's been about thirty minutes when Mateo starts to nod off, his body slumping down and his eyes closing. He fights it for a while, rolling his eyes and shaking his head a little when he rouses himself from sleep.

My knees are pulled up and I'm resting my elbows on them. Mateo begins to slip to the side, his head rests against the wall. I hate every minute of this. I don't know what to expect, but I'm going to sit right here until I see him again.

He's barely breathing when he suddenly wakes up. His eyes are wide open, his cheeks no longer pale from the pain and exhaustion of living his life in his wounded body. He seems surprised to find himself on the floor and turns his head in my direction. His eyes meet mine and I can tell immediately that he sees me, because he lets out a chocked sob when he realizes I'm sitting right beside him.

His arms move quickly, pulling me into a man hug and patting me on my back. "Pines. Holy shit! I'm so sorry man. I'm so fucking sorry." He doesn't hold back all the sadness that he's been keeping inside and I can see the agony on his face when he pulls away. "I couldn't help you. I tried, but it was too late. There was so much blood. So much fucking blood." He looks down to his hands as if he would still see it there. In this moment he looks like a lost little boy, tears fall from his face as he sits stunned and lost in a memory.

"It was fast." That's all I can say. I left that life before I even knew what was coming. Mateo had it so much worse. I was gone, but he was there for every horrible minute of it. "I'm sorry."

"I couldn't do it." His voice is defeated and it makes my heart ache immensely. "I tried. I fucking gave it all I have, but I couldn't live like that. It's no life. It's prison." He shakes his head.

"I get it," I say, and I do. But he can't stay here. "If a wound doesn't kill you, it will heal. Maybe not tomorrow or even this year, but it'll happen."

"I'm too tired." He leans against the wall again. "I just want to rest. I just want to get up in the morning and put both feet on the floor without feeling so much pain."

"What about the guys? They've already buried me. Are you really going to make them see another flag-draped casket?" I don't know how much more time I have left. The bathroom is getting brighter and brighter as that unearthly light shines down from up above. I fear I'm running out of time to get him back to where he should be. Even if he wakes up in pain, he needs to wake up. I died for my country, but more specifically I died for men like him. I paid the price and now I want him to reap the benefit. I came home in a casket so that he could come home and live his life.

He doesn't answer me, but his gaze drops in shame. "I couldn't even be there." He pulls his knees up and rests his arms on them. "I was in surgery when they had your funeral. I wanted to be there more than anything. I should have been there."

"Funerals aren't for the dead, brother. They're for the living. You were there with me before I died, and you were with me when that bullet took my life. We spilled blood together. I don't care where you were when they put my body in the ground."

Mateo nods his head. It's silent for a few minutes as we sit together, but then the sound of someone knocking on his door gets our attention. I feel so much relief knowing that there's a chance someone might be able to help. He looks at the door perplexed. The knocking gets louder and then a familiar voice calls out, "Mateo! Let us in asshole. Those fucking stairs suck and I climbed them to get to your door so now you have to open it for me."

I'm smiling, so hopeful that Lucas is here. I chuckle thinking about all the times I gave him shit about his need to mother us, when now I've never been more grateful for his meddling and uncanny ability to know when something isn't right. I turn to Mateo and I can see the emotions warring inside his head and heart. He's pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and fast tears fall down his face.

"You know you have to go back," I tell him gently. "Lucas is going to make you." I nudge his shoulder with my own.

"I don't think I can."

"Twenty-two veterans a day take their own lives. Maybe it feels like your death will just be a number to a lot of people, but it's not a number to us. It's not a number to Lucas, Wes, or Liam. I know that for a fact, because my dad's death wasn't just a number to me either."

The knocking grows louder and then a second set of knuckles joins the first. A demanding feminine voice calls out, "Please let us in Mateo. I have to pee." Bailey laughs.

Lucas stops knocking and says to her, "Seriously Bailey? You just went at the airport."

"I know but I have to go again," she answers innocently.

Mateo and I can't help but laugh at the tiny spitfire on his doorstep. He turns to me and says, "You're right. I've got to stay, but I'm going to miss you." His eyes start to fall closed again and I watch his body roll with the force of his stomach clenching. He begins to vomit. I hear his door open and the distant sound of Lucas and Bailey's playful verbal banter as the step inside his apartment. Lucas scoffs, "It was unlocked the whole time."

I pat Mateo on the back, not knowing if he even feels it, but feeling confident I wouldn't be seeing him again any time soon.

Lucas steps into the hall and sees Mateo. "Fuck!" he yells, dropping to his knees and holding up Mateo's head so he can't choke on the expelling contents of his stomach. "Bailey call 911!" He gathers Mateo in his arms, not for one second worrying about the mess that's being created as the symptoms of the overdose become extremely apparent.

Lucas' voice is laced with determination and desperation as he shouts, "Goddammit Mateo, you don't get to leave yet. I won't watch another friend die!"

*** 22 veterans a day commit suicide. To so many people they will never just be a number. If you know of a veteran that has lost his life in service to his/her country you are welcome to leave their name in the comments below. Let's all do our part to never let those 22 a day as well as the others who are KIA become just a number****