Until Then

Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

Quinn

"He hasn't opened his eyes since I got here this morning." Sherry is perched at Joseph's side, rubbing his hand gently and watching his face.

"The doctors have him on a very high dose of morphine. We could back off of it if you need to talk to him." I hope she chooses not to because that would open up the chance for him to be in pain and it will break my heart, but I understand if there is more she needs to say.

"No," she says quickly. "I've said what I needed to. It's just happening so fast." Her eyes are spilling over with tears even though she appears calm. "I let Ross know. He's leaving work now. The doctor said it could be anytime."

"Can I get you anything? Will there be more family stopping by? I can bring in some more chairs." I hate that chairs are all I have to offer when she clearly needs so much more. I wish there was a pill that took the pain away or helped you be strong when you're feeling your weakest, but some things you just have to survive.

"We asked everyone to give us time alone with him. I feel horribly guilty for not wanting everyone here, but I just can't have any expectations, you know? I don't want to answer questions from family or be told that he's going to a better place. I know that in my heart, but I just can't bear to hear it."

I move around to her side of the bed and rest my hand on her shoulder. "You do what feels right for you. You're his mother. I've seen you let so many people into this room, if you need that final time for yourself—take it."

"You don't think I'm being terrible? Selfish?"

"Not for a minute. Even if you were, I think there will be less regrets in having him pass with just you and Ross than if you were competing for time at his side." I've seen some pretty terrible things go down between family members when there is that much pain and suffering. You are more prone to losing it on each other when everything is so raw and aching.

"I told my work I'm not coming in again for a while. Ross is doing the same." She smiled as she stroked Joseph's arm. Grief is probably one of the most intriguing emotions. It's unpredictable at best. To watch someone in any other situation go from tears and anguish to laughter and smiles would have you believing they'd gone mad. But with grief it is all part of the journey.

I squeezed her shoulder and she patted my hand with hers, never taking her eyes of her little boy. I would be doing the exact same thing if I were in her shoes. As a nurse I've seen quick deaths and deaths that have taken a very long time. Families are always devastated when someone goes unexpectedly—their whole world flipping in a matter of seconds. It's painful to watch, but my heart agonizes more for the families that have to say a long goodbye.

"He was talking to Finn again this morning," I tell her. I let my fingers rest around his pin on my lanyard. He must have dropped it some time and I just never noticed. Finding it on the floor had been like a punch to the gut and a warm hug all at once. "His eyes were closed, but he was smiling. He said, 'that's so cool.' Did Ross tell you about it?"

She laughs and nods her head. "Ross says it must be the medications talking, but I'm not so sure. I don't want to sound silly, but what if he is talking to him? It makes my heart feel better thinking he isn't alone on the other side when he slips into it."

"Finn and he were good buddies. I'm glad they had each other for a while. I liked coming to work knowing that Thor and the Hulk were keeping this floor safe." My words make her laugh even louder this time and I feel my heart grow giddy from the sight of laughter through tears. It's my favorite thing to see. Though it might be fleeting, it really is beautiful.

"Thank you," she says softly through a laugh. "I needed that." She moves her hand up so she can touch the Hulk pin on his gown. "He was such a cute Hulk."

"That reminds me, I almost forgot that I got him another one. I had to order it from back east so it took a while." I pull the small baggy out of my scrub pocket and hand it to her. It's a special fireman pin. I didn't want just a badge, so I had hunted for something different.

"He would love it," she says as she opens it up and sees the red helmet and ax.

"I've collected pins since I was little. That was by far the hardest one to track down. It was fun getting it for him. Did he ever want to be anything else?"

She shakes her head. "No. Never. It was always a fireman." She draws in a big breath as she holds the tiny pin. Her gaze moves to mine. "You might think I'm crazy, but I went to talk to someone about him." She flutters her hand around as if she's trying to minimize the whole thing. "I'm not sure if I believe all of it, but it helped to hear her talk about Joseph like his life was still evolving. For so long now it has been on this downward slope to the 'end,' but she made it sound like this is just one small part of something so much bigger."

"I don't think it's crazy at all."

"She is an aunt of a co-worker. They call her 'The Angel Lady.' She told me that he was a fire captain in a past life." She smiles. "She also said he was a farmer with lots of land in his longest life. I don't think he'd see that as exciting as the fireman position."

I chuckle and shake my head. "Definitely not."

She hesitates as if she's holding something back. Her eyes drop from mine for a second before returning. "She told me I've been with him before. We like to come back together. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?" Her defeated tone makes my heart break.

"Actually, I think it sounds precious."

"She said I've been his mother before, and also that I was his sister once. I thought it all sounded too far fetched, but the more she told me about these lives we've had, the more I wanted to believe it's true." She pinned the pin onto his gown near the Hulk one and then pulled the blankets up higher on his tiny body. "I think next time I want to be his mother again. I don't know if that's allowed, but if it is I want another shot at this."

"I bet he would love that. He was lucky to have you this time, I'm sure he'd welcome you as his mother again."

She leans forward and presses a kiss to Joseph's cheek then whispers, "Next time I get to go first." 

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