Until Then

Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

Quinn

I fell asleep during the movie and only woke up when the sharp pain came back with a vengeance. Pines is still here, his hand on my foot gently rubbing as he watches me open my eyes.

"How did you sleep?" He asks

"Good, but I need some pain medicine." I say as I stand and head to the kitchen to grab some water and the pill. The room is still dark, the sun hasn't come up yet. The clock on the microwave tells me it's only two in the morning. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and retrieve a pill from the large prescription bottle next to the sink.

"You were still for the first hour or so, but then I could tell you were getting uncomfortable. I hope the doctor can help you with something to make it not hurt so badly.

"Believe me, it will be one of the first things I'll ask about." I smile at him and then take the medication so it can hurry up and start working. I'm not scheduled for work today, but I will need to get in touch with HR so I can ask about this process. I won't quit just because I have a terminal diagnosis, but I need to be realistic and plan for when the pain will be too much and the medication to help it will alter my cognitions. At some point I won't be safe dispensing medication to the children on our floor.

"What other things are you going to talk to him about?" Pines leans forward and rests his elbow on his knees. "Are you going to try some sort of treatment if it's available."

I shake my head and stare down at my bottle of water. I run my thumb across the cool plastic and wipe away the thin layer of condensation that has already formed. "I don't think so."

His expression is one of understanding instead of judgment. "Even if it could extend the time you have left here?" He asks.

"That's not the kind of time I want. I've seen kids go through a lot for the sake of a few more months or weeks or even days. They aren't all doing it for themselves. Sometimes they're doing it for their parents, or their parents are doing it out fear of losing their child or guilt for not being able to give them a long life."

Pines nods his head. "I can understand that."

"I get it too," I tell him. "But there's no one here for me and I don't want extra time if it's going to be this painful. I just want to be able to say goodbye to the kids that know me, and make sure my replacement knows how to comfort each of them."

"How long do you think you have?"

"I don't know. Not long. Especially if I don't do any chemotherapy or radiation. There's a chance they could remove the tumor, and if they think they'll be successful, that's the only treatment I'd allow them to try." I take another sip of my water, fighting against the pain that wants me to throw everything back up."

"What if they think the chemotherapy and radiation would cure it?"

"It doesn't work that way with pancreatic cancer. There's no cure. There's only life extending treatment. I don't want to go through chemotherapy or radiation. I've seen it and I just don't think it would be worth it to get at best another year or two. It's poison." I twist the cap back on the water and stick it into the cold fridge again.

Pines' pats the couch beside him. "Come lay back down. Let's put on another movie and see if we can't get you a few more hours of sleep."

I grin as I release a tight breath from my chest. I don't have to explain myself to him or argue about not fighting this. He just gets it—gets me. I make my way over to him and sit back down in my spot. Only this time, I don't worry so much about keeping tons of space between us. There's just not enough time left to dance around this friendship. We're all in at this point.

He pulls my feet onto his lap and starts to rub them again. I turn on a channel that's playing the highlights of some of the week's best sporting events. He smiles at me appreciatively and then turns his head back to watch the show. I watch him for a minute, feeling totally at peace in the moment. When my eyelids start feeling too heavy, I let them close and within seconds, I'm falling back to sleep. 

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