watercolor thoughts [completed]

LI | h i g h s c h o o l

A / N : ahhh i've been so inactive, I'm so sorry! I've been adjusting to some different parts of my life, ex. high school, so I didn't have the time to write. Well here I am! Thank you all for your tremendous support <3

speaking of high school . . . (btw this is a new style, this prose-ish style. please let me know if you like it or if i should just stick to normal stanza and stuff poetry.)

oh, and another note. the experiences described below are composed of other people's thoughts and events they told me about. and some of it is speculation. these are NOT my experiences.

well, without further ado . . .

high school

high school.

it's a place that looks like sophistication and love and harmony and refinery and fun but that's a lie. it's one of the most dirtiest places that you will enter. it will twist your mind and test your soul and you will lose yourself along the way. you will lose yourself and forget who you are and were because soon enough all that will matter is the grades. you will lose yourself. and you will wonder where the innocence left you

this is where your friends become your enemies. you will not even know. you will not realize that you are competing for that better number until you are so deep into the game. this is where your future, your lifeline, depends on this four digit number or one sole letter in the alphabet that shouldn't feel like knives against wrists. this is where you will die night after night and every dark night you will think the darkest thoughts. you will think the darkest thoughts and this is where the innocence slowly loosens out of it and it will fall away so silently that one day you will mistake light for dark

this is where things start to get dirty. this is where you are tested if you're actually made of something. if you're strong as you think. they don't tell you, but high school is made to break your soul but you are supposed to make gold out of it. this is the key in the beauty of life. right here. life will give you hell. life will give you salt but you make gold out of it

but more often than not, you will realize you are weaker than you thought.

this is where you will look at your score and wonder how much people were driven to tears. how much people you pushed out of that certain college, how much people's hearts were shattered. this is when you will wonder how much people are hanging from their ceiling fan because this was a game they lost at. that. they were not destined to win

and sometimes, nights will get bad enough that you will contemplate how it would feel if the red line of fate was latched around your throat

this is where you will break. this is where you will grow up too fast. this is where you lose. lose pieces of you. lose your childhood. lose things that came so naturally to you. this is where you will fall so many times. and no one is there to help you up anymore. this is on you. on you and the abilities you were born with and the environment you had the fortune or misfortune to be born in and this is up to fate more than what you can do. but what can you do. you can only bargain. play on. believe that you can thwart predestiny.

this is where you will sit at study period. and the loudspeaker will come on. and a person's name you didn't even know will crackle on the intercom and they say that she is gone. that she pushed herself past limits she didn't know was there and she trapped herself in a cage with no windows and doors. they will say that she is gone. and they will ask for a moment of silence for this poor lost soul. in this silence. you will wonder where they went wrong. where they lost the road. how you could've helped. if you'd just reached out. but it is too late. the night and the dark thoughts have won. game over for her. the game resumes for you

the world will not stop for a single girl. and you will feel empty. you will feel empty and this girl you didn't know will haunt the back of your mind for some time

this is where you become as cold as the grave that defeated girl lies six feet under.

you kill people silently. with numbers and scores and the fight to get to the top. this is where your hands become stained with ink but you know it's blood. the thing is that you're not that strong. you've never been strong. you've been weak your whole life

unfortunately, this is where you learn it the hard way

being in high school is like being on the run. you enter with the fortune you are born with and the few resources you have. your brain, your heart. you throw away your heart somewhere on the way.

a heart will start to matter less than a brain and a gleaming college

you will start to wonder why your life became so dependent on that number, that letter. soon enough you will become nothing but numbers inked on paper and letters blazed on tests and at the end you will be empty. cold. done.

you will wonder where and when you lost yourself. (and it will not matter. it is the college that matters. nothing will matter but the college.) which mile it was when your childhood sprinted away. your jokes. your warmth. you will become an empty shell and sadness has taken the place of your bones.

and then four years will pass. you will look back on this heaven and hell, haven and warzone, underworld and salvation. you will cry. and you do not know what you are crying for. for making it through. for playing and winning this game. the good memories. the bad memories. the relief. the ghosts among the living masses cheering at the football games. the girl whose name even you have forgotten.

or maybe you cry for yourself. your lost childhood.

your lost self.

- words that a senior

paint on their face

i have yet to learn all this.