watercolor thoughts [completed]

LVI | s o n

@Saphishere, your kindness has not gone unnoticed.  Thank you for being so supportive! 

son

black and blue/paints his skin/like a malnourished sky/(you got malnourished right)/boy/made of neglect and cries and pain/(yes, nothing but pain to father)/and wonders how red/is his favorite color/even when it splatters the ground/near the same two by two white tile/he now always steps around/afraid father will come home early/afraid that father will never come home/

history repeats itself on that tile/every new beginning at 2:00 am/when his dad comes home/smelling of women and wine/

careful now/step around/the cursed tile/trip on it/and you'll catch bad luck/

black and blue/paints his soul/and as his father/here in flesh/absent in soul/wine-soaked veins/blood they share/screams/HAVE YOU EVER FELT PAIN/YOU DAMNED BRAT/HAVE YOU EVER FELT PAIN/LIKE I HAVE/WATCH YOURSELF/OR YOU'RE TURN OUT LIKE ME/but his throat/drowns in white and light/and he chokes on this color/he has never known/because innocence is a skin he fakes well/

/I HAVE FELT PAIN/YOU DAMNED WINE-HAUNTING GHOST/EVERY TIME AT 2 AM/WHEN THE CLOCK REWINDS/ON THIS CURSED WHITE TILE/AND YOU WITH THE BLACK AND RED JACKET/SOAKED TO THE BONE WITH WINE/FILL THIS EMPTY HOUSE/WITH YOUR EMPTY BOTTLES/WITH YOUR EMPTY CIGARETTE BOXES/YOUR EMPTY SELF/AND WHEN THE SACRIFICE/OF MY INNOCENCE/BURNS DOWN LIKE THE/BUTT OF YOUR CIGARETTE/ON THE WHITE TILE/AND I CRY STOP/STOP/STOP/STOP/BUT YOU ACT LIKE/PAINTING BLACK AND BLUE/IS THE ONLY BEAUTIFUL THING/YOU CAN MAKE OUT OF ME/AND THOUGH MAYBE IT BE TRUE/YOU STILL ASK ME TO BE DADDY'S SON?/

of course/screams in static/in white innocence/go unheard/

//

then lessons from 'father'//and the wine takes the pain away/his dad says/and he sips a mouthful/and lets the pain go/LET IT FADE/HE BEGS/LET THE CURSE OF THE TILE FADE/LET ME HEAL/LET HIM HEAL/LET FATE REWRITE ITSELF/LET FATE TEAR OUT THESE/WINE-FOREIGN VEINS/LET FATE RIP OUT THIS BLOOD/I SHARE WITH MY FATHER/I HAVE FELT PAIN/TAKE ME AWAY/

/CAN YOU LET ME FORGET/THIS PAIN?/

/he does not know he is becoming/who he fears/and fears being/the most/

/(and yet he still is father's son)/because it runs in his veins/the wine/the violence/the pain/the eyes/the hair/ the wine/the violence/the pain/the gestures/the expressions/the violence/the pain/he looks just like him/the smile/wild emotions/the wine/the violence/the pain/

/father is all he has left/all he has left to love/and this absent father with the wine-possessed soul/with the hand holding the bottle/of the foundation of the house/is all he has left/to love/

/boy/painted in black and blues/loves the emptiness/loves the empty house/the empty bottle/the empty man/who is so in pain/he can only find remedy/in the painting/of his beloved son/

//

father/comes home late/veins soaked in wine/lungs clogged with ashes/throat filling with smoke/soul emptier than/the bottle in his hands/and as it shatters/on the boy's head/here comes the sacrifice/of glass shards/of emptiness/of innocence/even when there is no innocence left to give/

and 2am/boy/unaware/of his wine-soaked veins/of the blood that connects/two worlds far apart/on a two by two/white tile of an empty house/made of empty bottles/when asked if he is daddy's son/promises/I WILL NEVER BE YOU/BE LIKE YOU/I WILL NEVER BE YOUR SON/

/I WILL NEVER BE THE EMPTY SOUL AT 2AM/WHO IS SO IN PAIN/THE PAINTING OF BLACK AND BLUES/IS THE ONLY THING HE TAKES ENJOYMENT IN/

/I WILL NEVER BE DADDY'S SON/

//

/epilogue//same boy of an unkeepable promise/looks at the hand/that is not his/that is not in his control/that lashed out of his own volition/and hit his own dear boy/who has the same smile/the same hair/ the same expressions/the same emotions/lost innocence/(and his own son)/(painted in black and blues)/(though he does not know it yet)/(but he has the same)/(violence)/(the same pain)/he/with the soul of an empty world/in an empty world/hits his black-and-blue son/with the empty bottle/of the empty home/back in the empty past/on a two by two white tile/next to a bag/full of empty bottles/as empty as the house/where the plague has spread/has made its new home/will never leave/and then he goes back/in the pub/in guilt/asks for as much drinks as/two hundred bucks will bring him/and he drowns in his father's blood soaked veins/drowns in the remedy that makes the venom/and realizes/he has felt pain/the same pain/and that he is his father's son/after all/that the blood spilled/in sacrifice every 2am/on a two by two white tile/has his father's wine-soaked blood/and he is father's son/and history comes full circle/at 2am on a two by two white tile/and the blood that is spilled/is father's blood too/his father/taught him well/

/the sacrifice/i suppose/was not successful?/

/he is father's beloved little boy after all/he is his father's son/

/HAVE YOU FELT PAIN/LIKE I HAVE/KNOWING THAT YOU ARE/YOUR FATHER'S SON/he screams to his black-and-blue son/HAVE YOU EVER FELT PAIN/YOU DAMNED BRAT/HAVE YOU EVER FELT PAIN/LIKE I HAVE/WATCH YOURSELF/OR YOU'RE TURN OUT LIKE ME/BECAUSE WINE-SOAKED BLOOD/RUNS IN YOUR VEINS/AND HOPEFULLY/YOU WILL NEVER FELT PAIN/LIKE I HAVE/AND ARE YOU DADDY'S SON?/ 

/2am/two by two white tile/begins again/wine-soaked home/and wine-soaked blood/and all he drinks/cannot drain away/the blood/that makes him his father's son/because he is/he broke his promise/he did end up/making his father proud/or maybe his father is regrettable/that the line of wine continues on/on the two by two tile/at 2 am/but at any rate/he cannot escape/

/2 am/two by two tile/screams/emptiness/wine bottle/cigarette cases/black/blue/red/white/black/blue/black/blue//

/HE IS HIS FATHER'S BELOVED LITTLE BOY/AFTER ALL THIS TIME/

//HE//IS//HIS//FATHER'S//SON//

- (SON. ALSO NAMED:THE ABUSED AND THE ABUSER)