Coffee

14

On Monday morning, the last thing I wanted to do was go to school and see Becca, Jordan, and Thomas. I realized then that I'd have to see each of them at least once. Staying home was not an option though; if I learned anything, it's to not let anyone know that they bothered me. I missed the opportunity to do so with Jaz and because she knew that, it allowed her to bully me constantly. She hasn't said anything since the physical incident but that didn't mean I was no longer on her radar. I was still getting glares from her and her friends. The only difference between now and before the slap, is that recently, the comments were being kept amongst themselves or at least in Jaz's head.

I was at school on time, despite the feelings of wanting to be home instead. I kept my head down as I made my way to each class, trying to avoid everyone's eyes which I felt were on me. No one was looking at me though, deep down I knew that. But it was better to think about everyone than four individuals who made my life more difficult.

It didn't have to be difficult but I was trying to please everyone. I wanted Becca and Thomas happy and that left me doing what they wanted me to do; I was pretty much going back into the closet for Becca. What I wanted was to be with Jordan. She made me happy, she didn't want me to hide from everyone. But after what I've done, there's no possible way she'd want me or take me back. In this case, it was better not to fantasize about us being together in some alternate universe where I didn't mess things up by allowing Becca to kiss me. I realized too late that the girl I thought Becca was, was a dream. Or rather, she used to exist but has been replaced by the girl who dated Chris Taylor; the girl who was now popular. I had the feeling that she was still there, maybe I'd have to dig a little to find her but I was willing if it meant I could be as happy as I was when I was with Jordan.

On the brighter side of things, I was doing better in Economics than I thought I could. Becca wasn't that much of a help, but with Jordan gone she was all I had now. Another reason why I couldn't get rid of Becca so easily. I was passing now, in the 70s but it still wasn't good enough. Jordan flashed across my mind once again as I thought about asking her to help me still but the thought of her talking to me only to turn me down was not a good one. I'd have to handle it on my own or with Becca's difficult style of teaching.

Becca entered the classroom shortly after I did but I purposely avoided eye contact. If she wanted to pretend we weren't seeing each other outside of class for reasons other than tutoring, I would pretend she didn't exist. I heard her settle into the seat next to me and she said hello to me specifically. I ignored her and luckily for me class started within the next few seconds. After last night, I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't say that would make people think we were together. She slowly put her things away at the end of class and waited for everyone else to leave. I waited as well, giving her the benefit of the doubt and allowing her to talk to me.

"I'm sorry about what I said last night, or rather, the way I said it. I still mean it and I can't be sorry about that part of it."

"I don't even want to talk about it," I said as I put my book bag straps over my shoulders.

"But I do. I know you're still mad at me."

"So what? You're not making it any better by continuing the conversation. I understand your point, but that doesn't mean I agree with it. Just let it go and give me some time to get used to learning how to not be a lesbian around you, somehow."

"Parker, come on."

"I have class."

She was still at her desk when I walked away. I now had only half the time to make it to my next class, which I wasn't trying to rush to. Skipping was an option but it made me nervous; I never really skipped a class intentionally. Other than my apartment, there wasn't really anywhere to go and I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. Regardless, I sat in my assigned seat next to Jordan when I reached the classroom. Thomas was across the room and didn't even bother looking my way, which I expected. Recently Thomas began treating me differently and I noticed that it began around the time that Jordan started coming around. I didn't think they had a past together at any point, otherwise he would've mentioned her or the association when I introduced her. She didn't speak or look at me the entire class; again – expected. She was upset, and rightfully so. I know I betrayed her and that doesn't make me feel any better knowing that I hurt her and dumped her for someone who was basically embarrassed to even look at me in fear of looking too long or the wrong way. Even so, Becca was what I've been waiting for. I got exactly what I wanted and I'd give myself a chance to finally be happy. Everyone had fights and disagreements; that didn't mean it had to be the end of it all.