Damaged

4 | twilight

I drop my bag at the foot of the white four-poster bed and lay down on the comforter. I stare at the sheer canopy overhead as i think about the day i've had. I don't know why I was so nervous before, I know all of these people. They live for gossip and rumors and something to talk about. Last year it was me and it still remains the same.

I get up from my bed and grab my bag so that i can start doing homework. This school literally has no chill, today's the first day and i basically have homework from every lesson i had. I look at the last years reading list from english class and twelve book titles are printed on the page. How the hell am i supposed to read twelve books?

I groan in desperation and decide to deal with this later, deciding to pull out my chemistry book and start doing the questions assigned instead. After that, i grab my laptop and start doing some research for history while sitting with my back on the bed's white headboard.

After about an hour of doing the research i decide to go downstairs and grab something to eat. i place the silver laptop on my bed and i leave my bedroom then going down the curling staircase. My feet touch the cold marble floor of the living room and i feel a shiver working its way through my body.

I enter the modernistic kitchen and go straight to the stainless steel fridge. Grabbing a pear, I check the coffee pot for some coffee and pour myself some inside of a oversized cup. I sit on the marble kitchen island and much on the pear contemplatively. There isn't a sound in the house. I take a sip of the coffee and absorb the silence, the way the house is oppressively empty. It is strange how people have such large homes when they hardly occupy it and spend time inside.

It's just me, mom and dad now. My older sister Poppy lives in the city now, she moved when she was attending Columbia university. The house feels even more vacant without her here. She always used to have friends over, there was always some type of commotion at home. I remember that the first time i got drunk was with her, during one of the many parties she'd thrown here. I also used to throw parties last year with the help of my friends and i remember that they were the event of the season.

Feeling depressed, I leave the marble counter and go upstairs back into my room. Once I get there, i feel no energy to continue doing homework. I open my first drawer and grab a pack of cigarettes and then I move towards the window. I open the glass and then i climb onto the roof of the house, moving towards the top.

I sit down on the uncomfortable surface which i've learned to get used to over the years. I pull a cigarette out and light it up, looking and the flaming red tip. I put it in my lips, exhaling the comforting smoke into my lungs. I look at the view from above. The sunset is turning into twilight, and the purple colors invade the skies.

I exhale the iridescent smoke and watch how ethereal it looks against the dark kaleidoscopic colors in the distance. I feel numb. My chest feels vacant and I feel impotent. I lay down on the hard tiles and look up at the stars, the cigarette making everything seem hazy.

What's wrong with me?

I light another one and try to escape my daze, trying to think. I've got so many fucking things to do. I try to focus and I close my eyes, try to snap out of it.

I try to focus on school. The english lesson pops into my head and Mr. Clarke suddenly enters my thoughts. I take a drag of the cigarette and focus my mind on him. He's certainly attractive. I remember the intensity of his glance and the deep profoundness of his green eyes. He intrigues me. I think about the way he looked at me, so sad, and it seemed as if he was looking into me.

I sigh, and rub my forehead tiredly with the back of my hand. He's my teacher. Even though i think it's hot to have a relationship with a teacher and i would love to do it, i just can't deal with emotions right now. Love makes me shudder.

Last year i wouldn't hesitate to do something like this. He's handsome, tall and intriguingly mysterious, but I just can't. I feel shivers on my arm and decide that it's time to go back inside.

I give a long drag on my third cigarette and put it out on the roof, where marks of previous smoking sessions still remain. I exhale the smoke as I enter my bedroom again and then close the window.

I enter my bathroom and take off my clothes and then look at myself on the mirror. I look at my pale skin, my blue eyes and long raven hair. Then, my gaze follows the outline on my right arm and I look at my scar. The white scar tissue is prominent on my wrist, its shape made of lines full of desperation and anguish.

I step away from the mirror and enter the shower, letting the scalding water wash my anguish away, letting it take all the negative energy out of my system.

I wash my hair with lavender scented shampoo and conditioner, and then i wash my body with soap with the same scent. After i'm finished i continue underneath the shower, feeling the soothing water make me feel better, more relaxed. I finally step out and i wrap myself on a white fluffy towel.

I change into baby blue silk pajama shorts and shirt and get into bed. I don't feel like eating dinner tonight, i just want to sleep early. I turn on netflix on the tv in front of the bed and turn on Gossip Girl. Soon I drift off to sleep with the voices on the television keeping me company, guiding me into a dreamless unconsciousness.