Thoughts.. I guess?

Consumed

All day: every day: my mind is on that one thing: the lies: the hurt: the pain: the tears I've cried: all because I trusted someone: 

I won't give names all though they'll most likely read this. I'm trying honest I am. And maybe I just need to write about it. So that's what I'm doing.

Most of you that have followed me since day 1 know of a lot that I've been through. You've been with me through, Devin & Ethan. Ryder was never broadcasted to the degree of them since it was short. You guys know how much my past and the fear of being hurt consumes me,

Well I'm so stupid that I let it happen again. I believed in someone, I trusted this person. I gave my all to the person, only to find out he had another one doing the same. You see in his mind he was doing it for the' greater good' but in my mind he's just like Ethan and Devin.

I feel used, I feel stupid. I feel like I shouldn't have ever trusted this person. And I wonder why in the hell im still trying.
You see I'm a very fucked up human.
I've drank.
I've smoked.
I was beat by the one guy a girl is always supposed to be able to go to.
I was raped.
I was toyed with.
But I wish that he would've just hit me rather than do this because physical pain heals what I have felt for the last two weeks will only dull little by little. But yet here I sit still trying. Still trying everyday to make it right. Yet I did no wrong, he did.
When I first heard I could've done everything he did to me. I could've sat here and lied to him, used him and gotten nudes from another guy. But I didn't. I sat here like a faithful goddamn pitbull trying to control its anger.

I'm not doing this to start shit between him and I, I'm doing this solely to get it out of my head. This helped long ago, maybe it will now.