Thoughts.. I guess?

A year or years

Over the course of 18 years I've lost the people I love . I've said goodbye when I wasn't ready to let go . I didn't beg because that would've been selfish . I just let them go . Death won in the end .

First it was the guy I looked to as a father, I called him Dad even though he was my soon to be step dad. He taught me that you don't have to be blood to be family, he taught me how to love someone (a child) like my own, he taught me about religion, he taught me the stars and moon phases, he helped with my math even though he struggled himself. He did his best by me in the three years he knew of me and the short 9 months that I was in his care. He protected me against the "big bad monsters" ...against my biological father . A few weeks after I left his care with only my memories and a tiny wooden cross necklace he passed ... I knew nothing of this until I was almost 10. I always wondered what happened to my daddy , what happened to the questions of "be my flower girl" what happened to the I love you more arguments we had over the phone. And then I saw his grave. Apart of me died that day, a small piece of my heart vanished.

Years down the road a guy I knew for 4 years... Jake, my confident killed himself. He was the guy I could count on for a good time. No not sexually but innocently, running around his house as he tried to force me into a jersey so we could watch football, watching him fall one too many times with a bowl or plate of hot food, laughing as he sand badly to old country songs. But he was also the guy that had many dark secrets hidden behind the most wonderful smile. We met a lot in the park in town and sat in this wooden bench just to talk as cars passed by, about our days, our pasts , what we hoped our futures would be, our demons, about everything. But one day I wasn't there for him, I was selfish and so another piece of me died with him.

A few short months later, my love. Blake , I had known Blake for at least 7 years. He was my light at the end of the tunnel, he was perfect. Many nights I'd leave my room and meet him under this stupid ass tree so he could walk with me back to his apartment which oddly enough was my favorite place. Not the apartment or the tree, but him. He was my safe place for so long. He was my fighter (in every since of the word) he was there for me through many sleepless nights, my drunk nights, my nights on perks, my good nights. He said through thick and thin and he meant it. No Blake and I weren't together, although the wanted to he respected the fact that I valued our friendship and I didn't realize how much he meant to me until it was too late... we exchanged hurtful words and he left for 3 days no one knew where he was ... we didn't know he was bleeding out in an old basement .. we didn't know he was severely hurt until he turned on his phone and Ryder pinged it.. that day was the worst day of my life.. blood everywhere .. his eyes full of pain and his voice so weak... it was the last time I heard him. And what I wouldn't give to have him back..

Fast forward three years, my brother . God my brother . I don't understand why. We may not have been blood related but he was my brother. He was the first person I saw and hugged when I came into this house, he was the person to give me the hug when everything about my birth Dad came out ... he was the one to pick on me and laugh but then regret it when it effected me, then he'd cheer me up. He'd pick me up from school in his yellow mustang and take me to get candy all the while belting out to rock songs, careless whisper the version by seether, if you only knew by shinedown, used to by daughtry . Those songs hold so much meaning to me because of him. The first person I ever played guitar for as he sat in a medal chair and me on the old car couch we have, nothing but the soft red lights and one other person in the room besides him , his wife. She was filming and I played simple man for him, he teased me a little about speaking up and then we took the party of three and turned it into a party of 8 in the living room where I played and he sang. What I wouldn't give to hear him sing again. To see him smiling as he did. Yes he had his days but he was my brother and now he's gone.

And last but not least (of the ones I was extremely close to ) my Mamaw, my beloved , crazy, witty , funny, kind and caring Mamaw. She was my rock , I could talk to her about anything and everything. She gave me the best advice. She loved me no matter the mistakes I made (and trust me I made plenty) I'm so much like her it's crazy, I get my wisdom from her, I get my attitude from her, but most importantly I get my compassion from her. And she's not my blood either. I thought I could handle it, losing her after all I had lost 4 others, but I couldn't. The last thing I heard her say was "I love you Katie , what're you doing here?" I haven't been in the house with papaw since she passed , I can't handle it. She told me a month before that it'd be the last time I saw her healthy and she was right... my dad said "mamaws gone" and my world shattered... I just can't do it without her.

And to bring it full circle, the beginning of this month I lost my only other grandma, I wasn't as close to her as my Mamaw, but to see her weak , instead of how I normally saw her got me. It all hit, I've had severe nightmares since then the only time I seem not to is when I'm on call with my boyfriend, when I'm not it's hell. My pain hasn't died I've only become used to it ... but I can't handle it anymore ... it's all too much ...