The Stacks

Chapter 18: Providing

Song: Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones

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Afterward, we laid entwined, sharing quiet thoughts. "It threw me off earlier, when you said you wanted to provide for me," I admitted to him.

"Why?"

"I don't know. I know we love each other, but I guess I was surprised by the fact that you're thinking so seriously about us."

"Are you not thinking we're serious?" He asked without any accusation.

"I am," I assured him. "It just seems so fast."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, placing a kiss on my forehead. "I'm not trying to rush you at all."

"It's all right," I answered. "It helps me to say things out loud, to process them with you. And it definitely helps to know we're on the same page, so I know I'm not crazy."

"That makes sense."

"I love you," I told him. "But I still want to know so much about you. I want to know about your family and your childhood. I want to know what you were like in high school. What are your hopes and dreams? Did you always want to go to law school?"

"The answer to your last question is no, I didn't always want to go to law school. In fact, I had never really even thought about it until Cathryn's father offered me a part-time job at his law firm. As I worked for him in high school, he encouraged me to pursue law, saying I had a great mind for it. He also promised that I could keep my job with him to support myself through college and that he would consider hiring me on permanently once I got my law degree. I could hardly say no."

"Sounds like a great set up," I commented. "But it sounds like there was a lot of pressure, too."

He sighed. "There was. It wasn't all bad, though. He knew Cathryn and I were serious and he wanted to make sure I could provide for her. And I wasn't entirely opposed to a career in law." I smoothed my hand over his chest while he spoke, feeling it fall and rise with his breath. "It's just that I probably would have made other decisions for my life if it hadn't been for Cathryn and her family."

"What would you have wanted to do?" I asked.

"I love photography, so the thought of traveling the world, doing photojournalism seems fascinating to me. Either that or...I don't know, it's probably just silly..." He trailed off.

"No, it's not silly if it's something you've spent time thinking about or dreaming about," I assured him.

A nervous little laugh slipped from his mouth before he answered. "It doesn't sound very manly, I guess, but I've always wanted to open a bed and breakfast. Or a restaurant or hotel, maybe, but a bed and breakfast is more intimate. I really love people and I thrive on getting to know them and hearing stories about their lives. It's hard to make connections with patrons if you're trying to run a hotel with hundreds of rooms."

"So either way - if you travel, or if you welcome travelers to your own place - you'll have the opportunity to meet different people."

"Exactly," he said. "You wouldn't know it from the hermit lifestyle you've witnessed, but yes, I'm a total people person."

"Well, I don't think it's unmanly at all," I encouraged him. "You should do what you love."

"Thanks," he said, kissing my lips this time. "It seems crazy to think about going in a different direction after I was so close to finishing law school. But I'm not planning to go back to work for Cathryn's father, so I guess I have to make some decisions."

"Do you have debt from law school?" I asked, hoping it wasn't too personal of a question.

"No," he answered, followed by another nervous laugh. "I was actually able to get some scholarships and a grant, and then I ended up taking out loans as well. But when Cathryn died, her father paid off the loans for me since I wasn't working."

"Is that how you've been living?" I asked. "I hope it's okay for me to ask but I just wonder how you've supported yourself for a year without a job."

"Mr. Metler purchased life insurance plans for both of his daughters when they were young. When Cathryn and I got married, I became her beneficiary. I remember thinking how silly it seemed for a young woman to have life insurance. We didn't have a family to provide for, and I was able to provide for myself if anything happened to her, or so I thought. It was serendipitous, for sure. I didn't know I'd need it until I actually needed it because I was such a wreck after her death that I couldn't do anything."

I stroked his cheek, turning his face towards mine. I stretched to give him a warm and lingering kiss. "It's great that you had that financial help. I couldn't imagine trying to make a living after something so traumatic."

"Yeah, it was definitely a blessing. Only now, I feel kind of like a freeloader, being carried on the Metlers' good graces and living off my wife's life insurance. I need to make some decisions soon."

"Start checking out photography programs," I suggested. "Or hotel and restaurant management. Or basic business school. Do you still have enough money to live on if you want to go to school full-time?"

"I think so," he answered. "But it's complicated. I feel like I owe it to Mr. Metler to finish law school since he paid for a lot of it. I haven't found a way to tell him that I don't want to do it anymore."

"Yeah, I can see how that would be tricky. But ultimately, it was his decision to pay the loans off for you. You didn't ask for it, right?"

"Right, but still, I feel a sense of obligation to him. The whole thing is a mess. I've been through hell emotionally and now I still feel like I'm part of my late wife's family and I'm trying to break free. I mean, not completely, of course, because they still love me. But I need to live my own life, not the one they want me to live."

"I'm sorry that you have to deal with all that pressure," I said. "I wish I could do something to help, but I'll support you in any way I can." Harry gently rolled me to face him and then squeezed me into a tight hug.

"I can't believe how lucky I was to find you," he said, kissing me deeply.

"Same here," I answered after the kiss, but then I dove back in for another one. Now that I was past the "first-time" pain, I wanted us to make love again, having thoroughly enjoyed myself earlier. I was sure it could only get better.

And I was right.

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Just a little side note - if you didn't read the previous chapter (the extension from chapter 17) the only important thing you missed was a brief discussion in which Regan asked about Harry's sparrow tattoos (yes, I know they're swallows, but in this book, they're sparrows, okay?) and he told her they symbolized undying love. Regan had a brief moment of discomfort, realizing that he'd gotten them for him and Cathryn. That's all.

As I watched the Detroit Thanksgiving parade on TV yesterday, I realized that I missed out on a big opportunity to have Regan and Harry watch the parade, possibly even from her loft since she lives near Woodward Avenue. Darn! Maybe next year :D