The Stacks

Chapter 35: Email

Song: "Amnesia" by 5 Seconds of Summer

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We made incredible progress throughout the week, getting Harry's things packed away, staging the house to look impeccable and ready to list, and we cleaned enough that Harry decided nothing else was necessary. Where he had thought to have some of the rooms painted, I convinced him that they were nice enough to show the house. The fact that he and Cathryn had no kids and probably didn't even spend much time at home made it that much easier to spruce up once the clutter was gone.

The day after the Metlers came, Harry had fallen into a funk, still working his fingers to the bone, but not saying much. It was obvious he was brooding over something. I wanted to give him space, but at the same time, I wanted to be there for him if he wanted to talk.

I broke the uncomfortable silence around lunch time, offering to make some grilled cheese and then delicately asking if I could help him in any way.

"You're already helping so much," he said, giving me a forced smile. I puttered around his now neat and cozy kitchen, preparing our lunch.

"I don't mean with the house, Harry," I said, slathering slices of bread with butter. The sandwiches sizzled on the hot griddle. "I mean, can I help you? I know you're going through something. Want to talk about it?"

He leaned and placed a tender kiss against my temple. "How do you already know me so well?"

"I love you?" It came out as a question, but I meant it to be the answer to his question. I paid attention because I loved him. I brought our food to the round dining room table which now looked so small in the otherwise empty room. "Listen, I'm not going to push. Undoubtedly, you'll still go through things that I can't necessarily help you with, but I don't want you to hesitate to talk to me. All right?"

He nodded, satisfied with my offer. He ate a few bites of the grilled cheese and then said, "I guess it's hard letting go, even of the things I thought wouldn't be a problem." He paused and I could practically see the words jumbling around in his head, like he wanted to speak volumes, expounding on all the ways this was a challenge for him. But he simply summarized, saying, "It's just hard."

We finished eating quietly. I cleared away the dishes and communicated one more thought, then I would leave it rest. I might be totally off the mark anyway. "Harry,  you can give yourself more time for this. No one is pressuring you. There's no rush to put it on the market right away."'

"There is!" He snapped. It reminded me of the time at my place when he was getting agitated about not having a prestigious career. This time, however, he stopped and said, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to be harsh. But I feel the pressure from inside. I've spent sixteen months here, most of it feeling like I wanted to die and believing my life would never get better. I used to have good memories here, but now all I can think about is the past sixteen months of hell. My memories of Cathryn are all here now," he said, pressing his hand to his heart. "This house no longer feels like the home I shared with her. I can only remember the devastation I went through here. I just want it gone."

I bobbed my head in an understanding nod. "That makes sense. I only hope that you won't regret moving so fast with this. Then again, houses aren't exactly selling like hotcakes right now, so you should still have time to process everything and be able to let go gradually."

"To be honest, I started thinking about it around the same time I started coming to the library back in September, so it's not like I'm rushing into it, exactly. I was escaping from this place because it felt like prison. It's time. I just have to make sure I don't let go of anything that I'll miss."