Love, Nina

Entry 24

ENTRY 24

It's no secret that Prof. Simmons is no longer a credible person in the university. The scandal that entails him is  heavy burden for him to bear. It occured to me that I am partly at fault for it. I'm the reason why he went berserk to that poor student. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. All I wanted was to scare him.

Monica's memories still linger in my head. I can still remember the beautiful woman who was caressing her stomach like she's pregnant. No one really knew Monica because not a single scandal got out when the news of her suicide broke out. It's as if people only acknowledged all the good traits in her.

When she died, it's as if they're worshipping her. It's a part hypocrisy and part denial. No one is that perfect and I believe people knew that she's having an illicit affair with the charming professor. They neglected her faults. They neglected the fact that she's just a human.

The real question is, was she really pregnant? That question keeps me out of focus all the time and I can't fathom why my mind is so fixated on her. Is it because I see myself somehow just like her? Why? Because I have a ton of skeletons in my closet?

Because I'm not real? I was never real. I've always been a liar and that made me question my entire existence. When I die, people will remember me for my accomplishments and not because of my personality. I will only be acknowledged by what I can do best. No one will remember if I'm a good friend or a good daughter. They wil see me as this promising young college student with too much good things ahead for her and that's terrifying.

I'm afraid that people will only love the mask I show. They will definitely be disgusted at what they will see underneath everything. They will hate me. They will be disgusted. They will be horrified.

When people die, they get praised too much and it's disgusting.

"You're taking deep breaths, are you okay?"

"Of course. Uhm... William, what do you think of Monica Hatton?" He pouted while mixing his spaghetti.

His eyebrows crooked and taken aback with what I asked.

"Well I don't know. I never met her personally. All I can say is that suicide is never the answer. Why would she do that? Tons of people in Africa are hungry and don't have decent water to drink. For her to think of suicide is selfish. That's what I think." I smiled at him. I never expected his answer. He pulled me beside him and I cushioned my head with his chest. I love staying at his dorm room and his cooking is impeccable.

"People usually sympathize with the dead girl. It's not bad to sympathize but, it feels so..."

"Fake? Nina, we meet tons of plastics every single day. That's a reason to stay real in a world of fallacy."

"I... just feel bad for her though."

"Nina, she's just a selfish girl. Why? Didn't she ever think about the people she'll leave behind? I believe in the principle that we live because of the people around us. We don't live for ourselves. Yes, we need to be happy but real happiness lies on the people surrounding you; those who depend on you. She forgot about her family and stayed selfish." William's words shocked me. It feels like he's the kind of person someone like me should meet.

He's authentic. Maybe he's the person that I'm wating for.

"God, William. This is why I love you."

I said love.

I said it.

Love, Nina.