Lavender «LeafyCynical Oneshots»

Dear You

Calvin stared blankly at his flat walls, untouched coffee on his bedside table. Surely the coffee has now gone cold, but it was no concern of Calvin, it wasn't very appetizing anymore. Calvin is trying so fucking hard not to cry; he'd managed far enough so far. He hated crying. It never did anything but make him feel worse than Calvin did before, and so Calvin forced himself to keep the water from his tired eyes.

(He'd still cried the other day, and the day before that, along with the day before that one, who was he fooling? Nobody but himself.)

But despite his efforts, his body still shook, and his breath was shaky despite his attempts to keep it reasonable. He rubbed his eyes, despite them still being dry, and grabbed his coffee from his bedside table. He had videos to edit. Fuck, he'd had so many video ideas he'd wanted to try, videos he was positive, his fans would've loved. He'd wanted to make his channel more personal, sure, commentaries were fun, but his enthusiasm lacked.

(So many times he'd had a face-cam video planned, but his eyes had been a little too red and his cheekbones just a little too visible.)

He tried to make daily videos; he did, but with no inspiration, Calvin's left with forcing himself to search for videos that he found stupid. His sleep schedule was worse than before, so much worse. When he did sleep, he slept too late, and he missed an already tiring upload. When he was awake, his mind was on Niall and his eyelids were heavy, but sleep never came.

(Niall, who'd been so perfect. When did it all go so fucking wrong? He couldn't remember. He couldn't remember the lively conversations, happy moments; he felt alone, and nobody could fill whatever hole Niall had left inside him.)

Calvin needed a break, from Seattle, from YouTube, from everything. But he couldn't get that, could he? His memories were teasing him, giving him just enough to know how happy he'd been before.

(His entire life had gone so wrong, when? When Niall left him? When that stupid content cop uploaded? Or was it his fault? Could he blame anyone else for what had come to happen?)

Tears blurred his sight, and he felt the sob choke itself from his throat before he had the chance to shove it down. Ah, yes, he remembered now. How did he forget?

'I'm sorry,' he'd said, green eyes full of remorse. 'I just don't feel that spark. I'm so sorry, Calvin, I know this isn't fair to you... We can still be friends...-' Calvin had ended the skype call before Niall had a chance to finish. Still be friends. How could he say such a thing? Did he not care about how much that hurt? When did Niall stop caring as much as Calvin did? Did he miss anything? Did Calvin have the chance to fix it?

Had Niall never felt the way Calvin did?

(He never had an opportunity to fix it, he wasn't good enough for Niall, he knew. He wasn't good enough for anyone, how could he have thought he was? He hated these thoughts.)

Calvin wished he would hear the door slam open. He hoped Niall would come running in and say how sorry he was, how he never stopped caring, how much he regretted it all. Then they would find some way to kiss in the rain pouring outside and go back to the life they had before. But this wasn't a romance movie. It never would be. Niall was gone, and Calvin was a shell of what he used to be.

Life never was fair, was it?

-

Oh for fuck's sake, I can't update for shit. I took a break of sorts? Wasn't really a break more like a, "Fuck responsibilities." type of thing. I'm sorry I got four hours of sleep so I'm just infuriated today and when I'm angry I cuss.

Does this count as LeafyCynical?? I mean, I'm pretty sure it does. It's established, but there's so little of it, this entire thing is just badly written angst. This one is around five hundred words, I think. I wrote this a little ago, why I didn't publish it is beyond me.

But next up is HYSTERIA, which I have a decent idea for as of now. That story is just everywhere like the mood is changing so much it hurts me. Ah, well, votes would be appreciated, goodbye for now!

Oh! Also, if you see any typos please do inform me and I'll fix the mistake immediately.

Thank you for reading!