Complicated Like That

People. Place. Time.

Love. Found. Lost.

Feelings. Good. Bad.

Heartbreak. Sorrow. Depression.

The world is a very cruel place. Think of how much love that's been wasted. People always trying to escape it, move on to stop their heart breaking. Couples fall apart just to realise how much they need to get back together. Words left unsaid. Tears streaming down. Girls left broken, never to believe in love again. And hurting, so much hurting, both boys and girls.

It's gone three years and I haven't changed a single bit. You, still consuming my thoughts constantly. Filling my mind with endless 'what if's' and 'I wish'. Breaking me more, day by day. Making me falsely believe that we'd go back to how we were. But that's not what I want anymore. I don't want you, I want the person I once was. I want the feelings I once felt. I want the 'old me'.

The same one you destroyed.

Felt like just yesterday that our hearts were tied up and then that horrid scene replays endlessly, killing me with every breath I breathe. You told me lies that set me alight, a never ending flame burning sweetly in complete agony. 'I love you and I will never let you go' So much for that huh?

I still remember the day you walked into the room, beautiful hazel eyes locked on my dull ones. That smirk you pulled as if you knew exactly what you wanted. The first time we spoke, you were slowly taking me, claiming me to be yours and before I knew it, I had fallen for you hard. Maybe a little too hard. Through all our pointless bickering and endless hours of chit chat, somewhere between joking around and teasing each other, I fell inlove with you. How perfectly horrid.

I'll give you some credit. You were all I ever wanted. Humorous and outgoing, courageous and weird, heartless yet at the same time sweet and sensitive. Smart and well planned out. You knew exactly what you wanted, where you wanted to be, the kind of person you wanted to marry, everything. And here I was, unsure of the future, not knowing what, where, who, still being my boring old self taking nothing to account. You were there when I needed you. You comforted me and encouraged me and never failed in making me smile. How ironic since now all you ever do is make me feel miserable, you make me cry and break down.

I guess it was kind of my fault. I pushed you away but that's what I do. I push everyone who gets even a little bit close, away. I never wanted a relationship with you. I'm not ready for it. I'm complicated like that.

But there were numerous times where I've proven myself wrong. Times when I wish I could just run to you and wrap my arms around you, holding you so close to me the world disappears and in that moment, we are infinite. Times I wish I could hold your hand and walk around the grounds for hours trying to figure everything out. Times I wish I could snuggle and cuddle with you on those cold days when the rain would come pattering against the windows. Or simply just times I wish I could say "I love you" And you would just have the biggest grin on your face saying "I love you too babe"

Is it wrong of me to feel such a strong emotional connection to you?

I would think it is. Three years down the drain and every time our eyes lock I still get that feeling and everything good that's ever happened to us comes rushing in my mind. All too soon ended with that sour, coldness when you break away and hurt me with words. The same words that drive me to maximum levels of insanity. Those private jokes you and your friends laugh to about me are exactly why I completely despise you, so much that I've learnt to hate myself for ever loving you. You point out all my flaws as if I don't already see them and slowly but surely, it has made me truly want to not want to exist at all.

I don't know why I love you, even up to this day. Despite how you kill me with your callous words and call me your hideous names, despite how badly you've treated me, how much you hurt me and break me and use me. Despite of all of that, I still love you.

L o v e

It destroys you in the most beautiful way possible and when it leaves we finally understand why storms are named after people.