Complicated Like That

Supernova

My phone suddenly buzzed and my heart started pattering like a machine gun. I had custom notifications for him so that I could reply instantly. But I haven't heard that sound in a while, months actually.

It was kind of sad how things had fallen apart before they could properly merge and bond together. Shakespeare had it all wrong, whilst jealousy can be destructive, the real monster to relationships is insecurity that will feed on us and warp our minds to work against us and that is exactly what had happened.

I know it was kind of messed up because he had entered my life a short while after the love of my life walked out and God it broke me, it destroyed me. I felt as if my soul had been ripped out of my very being, like the essence of life had gone and I was not okay, I am still not okay. I don't think I will ever properly recover from that kind of heartbreak to be completely honest. That love was consuming, I felt it on a spiritual level, all the way down to my bones and beyond, every single fibre in my very being was buzzing as if charged with electricity from this love. It was like the ocean, deep, stretching over the earth, the heart of living.

 It really was something else and I never thought such a love would end the same way a star does.  Stars combust spontaneously for millions of years on end. Billions of hydrogen atoms react in a minute  and that's how it felt being in love with him, it felt like being set on fire, passionate and fuelling and energetic, infinite. But when stars reach their dreary end, when there aren't enough hydrogen to keep the numerous reactions going, one of two things happen : either, the star contracts under the weight of gravity causing the core to contract. As the core contracts, it heats up. This heats the upper layers, causing them to expand and the radius of the star will increase and become a red giant.  At some point after this, the core will expand and cool into a white dwarf and then eventually into a black dwarf. Or, the star fuses hydrogen to helium and thereafter fuses into other elements up to iron. Once the core has turned to iron, it can burn no longer and collapses by its own gravity. The core becomes so tightly packed that in less than a second, the iron core shrinks to a neutron core. The outer layers of the star fall inward, thereby crushing it further. The core heats to billions of degrees and explodes into a supernova, thereby releasing large amounts of energy and material into space. The shock wave from the supernova can initiate star formation in other interstellar clouds and the remainder can form a black hole. In  both scenarios, the star explodes, the difference is that one ending leaves the star as a lone, cold, small dwarf, and the other spreads the star across the galaxy creating new stars whilst simultaneously becoming a black hole that gnaws and diminishes the rest of the universe in a few light-years at a time. And the way my love had ended, it was more like the second scenario.

I am left as a black hole, an empty, self-destructing abyss that no one can seek. But nevertheless, this new guy only stood a chance because by some miracle, he was so much like my soul, down to his bad habits, it was scary, weird, as if fate was trying to relay some message to me. as we spoke, I began to enjoy his company for all the wrong reasons. I liked him because he mirrored someone I indefinitely loved with all my heart and soul and I knew how wrong it was but it never stopped me. I cried for nights thinking about the face that had invaded my thoughts, just closing my eyes right now, I can see him, I can see how his dark hair blows in the wind, his inspiration clearly being Zayn in 2013, I can see his dark, deep brown eyes that grounded me much like the earth and every time I looked at them, I felt warm and safe and ... just at home. He felt like home. My home. I can painfully remember every immaculate detail of him. Every crevice of his skin, every inch, it's almost like he's standing in front of me. I can feel him, smell him and then open my eyes and die another death as the harsh reality settles in. He belongs to someone else  now. This guy was not him and I was only attracted to him because of how closely he resembled my soul.