Complicated Like That

Silenced

I was in a relationship with someone who I loved very, very much. There was nothing about us that made sense and I guess that should have been the first red flag that I should have noticed but I didn't. I was never really someone's first choice, always a second or third choice but never someone's first. The guys at school would talk to me only because my best friend was gorgeous and she was. And if I ever caught the attention of someone it was for all the wrong reasons: because of some wildly disgusting rumours that they heard or because they just wanted someone to mess around with. Maybe that's why I said yes, I mean I was the crazy and obsessed, overly passionate girl who, let's be honest, sucked at PE but would keep your notes for you if you got sick and helped you write out your speech for English.

It's actually amazing how powerful love can be and that has got to be the most beautiful thing about it. But like everything else that exists in this universe, out of balance love is absolutely awful. As time passed in my relationship, I found myself begging for things that should have came easily and I would be lying if I said I didn't try to leave. I was unhappy, I felt like I compromised on a lot of things that ultimately lead to this frustration and I did. The truth is that I could never be with someone my age or a couple years older because I grew up very differently and that's okay. A lot of young adults and even teenagers don't really understand what I mean by this and maybe I will never be able to explain it. That doesn't mean I won't try.

I spent my childhood doing very adult things. In what I would like to think is a normal household, the parents go to work and worry about everything that pertains to maintaining the house while the kids get to watch stupid cartoons on TV and play outside, have friends and just remain innocent. But my house wasn't like that, my dad worked very hard and my mom stayed at home and took care of the chores and food. But I took care of the bills, anything that boke, calling the plumber or the insurance company or going out to buy groceries and going for my parents' doctor's appointments. It began to feel like I was the parent. I raised my younger brother and helped him with homework because my parents couldn't. I did everything that they couldn't. 

My grandmother, family members and people I met at the hospital or wherever always told me that taking care of my parents and everything at home would bring me a lot of blessings and I always smiled. On the outside I was a cheerful, bright and hardworking student who never missed a single day of homework and always had her uniform in order, everything at home in order and everyone was so proud. On the inside, I was miserable, I had no friends in primary school because I couldn't relate to anything the other kids liked and I was the teacher's pet because I spent more time talking to them about adult things. I was depressed and none of the guys liked m in high school because I was just way too serious and couldn't take a joke. Everyone said it was a blessing but it felt like a curse, like a punishment I didn't deserve. I spent my whole life being good and doing good and all it got me was bullying, teasing and people saying that I play victim for attention.

My family never appreciated the sacrifices I made, taking leave from school just to be there to talk to a doctor, having adults shout at me and tell me I'm a kid whenever I stood up for my parents, no childhood, no friends. I still have no friends because no one really understands and I'm tired of ranting. I'm tired of being silenced. I said yes to him because for the first time in my life, someone wanted me - just for me because they love the person that I am and they admire how I give love to everyone even when the world hasn't been kind to me. At least that's what I thought.

Turns out all he actually wanted and loved was my body. My pre-puberty, child body I guess. I could never forget the day. I remember it so well that I could tell you how warm it was outside and the sun was shining so bright that everything had a hue of yellow in it. I could even tell you the exact time it happened. It's so ironic that on one of the worst days of my life, the weather was so beautiful. We were doing what we normally did, we kissed and I kissed him back because he was my boyfriend. I didn't realise when it turned to something different until my pants were sliding off. I trusted him, of course I did and I was comfortable enough to wear my shorts and vest.