Complicated Like That

"ILY"

"yeah well, it's because I love yo-"

My heart started accelerating. I quickly changed the topic hoping he wouldn't notice. I started biting my nails, something I resort to when I'm nervous. 

"What?" He asked.

"What?" I say sheepishly.

"What?" He asked again.

"What?" I say laughing quietly.

"Did you just say that you love me?" He asked. 

My cheeks were on fire. I was on the verge of crying. What if it wasn't okay for me to be saying this? I mean, we just hung out for the first time a few months ago. I know we kissed and stuff but it's 2020. That doesn't mean anything these days. What do I do? I decide it's too late to lie, I got called out. Ugh! I should just come clean, I mean what's the worst that could happen? He could block me and then I spend the next week's worth of nights crying myself to sleep. Yeah, no. I should lie.

"Yeah I did, but I meant it like ... you know when your dad is kinda mad at you and you say, 'oh but I love you' and then he's not so mad? ... Yeah that's how I meant it ..." I say while laughing.

"Yeah, I don't know what you mean." He says.

"Alright." I change the subject again.

We're talking about something random but the thought lingers in my head. Do I really love him? I know I said it, but did I really mean it? I guess you don't really realise how you feel about someone until you stuck in this moment where you're looking at them laugh or listening to them speaking super fast and brimming with emotion about something they're passionate about and you just think, "I love you so much." I hate that the world has changed so much that we can no longer afford to even say that in the moment where it's the most real and meaningful. 

...

God, what have we done? We've become so invested in thick thighs, skinny waists, six packs and fast cars that we can't see real emotion when it's right in front of us. We devote ourselves to those who couldn't care less and ignore those who remain devoted to us. We wear people like jewelry and then toss them aside once we're done with them. We break people. It's so unfortunate that cheating has somewhat become a norm and everyone has their own history of messy heartbreaks. Physical relationships are more likely than marriage. It's so easy to fuck but who really gives a shit about you? Who wants to just enjoy your company.

So I stand here with a single rose and a quiet voice, looking up at you with shy eyes and a heavy heart, because I have no idea how this is going to go. I want to love, not just love but love unconditionally. And not just anyone, but I want to love you. I want to be the person whose arms you fall into when the day has been too daunting. I want to be your safe haven. I want to shower you with so much of love that you never have to question my sincerity or intentions. I want to be your person. I want you to be my person and I honestly just want to make you happy.

It feels so weird to confess this in my mind. I'd be lying if I said that you were the first person I've confessed these to. I've said this all before with an equally heavy heart to someone who meant the absolute world to me and I loved him before I even knew that I did. I carried so much of respect and love for him that I was blind to the person he was. I knew he could never love me back, all I could ever be was just a best friend to him but I wasn't even that. I think that he was lost and trying to find himself and I was just a means to an end.

I wish things could have turned differently and that we didn't taint our friendship with all of our sins but it is what it is. He destroyed parts of me I didn't think could be destroyed. And not because he didn't love me back but because he couldn't keep respect despite the tremendous amount of effort I put into him. He didn't just reject me, he broke down all of my insecurities and called me pathetic for having them. And everything I confided came flying to my face but still I cried and begged for basic human decency.