Complicated Like That

Sinner

"Yes, I sin!" She shouted into the darkness as she fell to her knees, defeated.

She held her hands close to her chest and sobbed silently. Her thoughts were scattered and disorganised as she tried to analyse her actions. She was a flawed character, as all of us humans are. Burdened with the same heavy temptations and desires to fall into the trap of sin. But the harshest truth that we all must accept is that no matter how much we try, we plummet down the path of self destruction every now and again. None of us are perfect, we weren't meant to be. This was her undoing - acceptance.

She held hatred in her heart once, clutched onto it as if to sustain her life. It poisoned and tainted her soul. She argued with a burning passion, rage flowing through her veins as her eyes blazed with fury. It blinded her from truth and forgiveness. She drank from the ocean of lust and drowned in it too. The feeling of euphoria too great to overcome and she sank to the very bottom, suffocated by this sin. Incapacitating her from love and compassion. She lied, manipulated the truth for her own gain - some small, some too big to come back from. She had hurt so many people, knowingly and unknowingly. In the name of love, in the name of friendship - she betrayed those who trusted her and she dismissed her betrayal knowing that her loyalty laid elsewhere and thus it was okay. 

But all of this ate her alive - the guilt, the remorse, the pain gnawing at her subconscious like a starving rat. She poured out her soul in her cold and lonely room, seeking redemption. That is the difference. She accepted her sins. She cried out for all the bad she did. Knees shaking, her chest quivering, struggling to breathe as her repentance overwhelmed her. She was not an angel, now some holy figure incapable of making mistakes. She knew this and yet, couldn't forgive herself for the things she had done all too eagerly. This destruction was unlike the others, it raged and burned, boiled her inside and out. Self-hatred, unworthiness, depression crippled her. This pain she felt was so different yet, familiar. Heightened and intense, she did not know how to heal herself, how to make it stop. 

"I sin but I don't deserve this. My intentions were pure, my love was real and I have selflessly helped so many people. I have prayed for those who wronged me to find happiness and peace. I forgave them even though they didn't even apologise. I have given out sincere apologies to all I've hurt and carried no more hatred for them. I've cried during my arguments, refusing to let my rage control me. Yes, I sin but I do a whole lot of good too. My good far outweighs my bad."

An icy hand brushed her hair off her face, she shivered in his presence.

"Yes, my darling ... But you loved it. You loved hurting those people, sinking your body into his, lying through your teeth. You revelled in it. It was a blast." The husky voice whispered into her ear.

"No ... no, I didn't. I didn't. I hated it. I hate doing it and I'm so sorry." She sobbed, hands shaking as she wiped some of her tears.

"Shhhh, it's okay I won't judge. I love it when you sin too." He said softly as his ran ran up and down her back. 

Goosebumps rose from her skin, she was freezing. She remained silent, horrified at this confession. She dared to look up at him. A gasp left her mouth as she stared at the gorgeous unknown man in front of her. Somehow, all his limitless beauty left an uneasy, sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was almost as if he was an illusion that was too good to be true.

"Saying that hurts, doesn't it?" He whispered

She slowly nodded, suddenly being captivated by his words.

"Hmm,  hate to see such a beautiful soul in so much of pain and torture." He stated while examining her face. 

"I can make it go away." He moved closer to her.

"You ... can?" She hesitated but asked softly.

"There's just ... one more thing I need you to do for me and then, you'll be free from all of this suffering." He smirked down at her.

"What?" She asked.

He smiled and reached into his black, leather jacket. His hand pulled out a dangerous weapon - a knife. The blade reflected what little light shone in the dim room. He watched her carefully as her eyes flickered between the blade and his face.

"Just one cut ... a small one. Across your jugular vein. You won't even feel it. Everything will be so much better." 

"Because I'll be dead." She cried.

"But isn't that for the better? You won't be around to hurt and disappoint all these people. That boy can finally live in peace without your body luring him to sin. No more fights and arguments. No more pain. Just peace. Doesn't that sound just lovely?" He cooed into her ears.

"Yes." She whispered as her hand slowly reached for the knife. 

He was all too willing to hand it to her. He sat back and watched. She stared at the blade as it beckoned her to give in. Her eyes wide open, her heart pattering in her chest, already fighting. Her hands shook. Her breathing grew heavy. She looked up at him one last time.

"Just one cut? I won't feel anything?"

"Yes, my love. One tiny cut. All you'll feel is peace." He urged her on.

The offer was so simple. This pain was unbearable - haunting her and she just couldn't take it anymore. There was nothing more she wanted than to be pain free and peaceful. She was so tempted. But her heart wouldn't let her. All those haphazard thoughts diminished from her brain as only one remained dominant - don't. Every muscle in her body froze. Tears poured out of her eyes like rivers. She threw the blade on the floor.

"I can't!" She screamed. 

All of a sudden, the room brightened. She struggled to open her eyes, her retinas burning at the sight of this white light. It's shimmering presence alone made her feel at peace. Tears all dried and her body no longer shaking. It was beautiful on a celestial level - holy and pure unlike anything else she witnessed. So heavenly that her eyes couldn't see anything but this bright source. Her mind was silenced. Her body surrendered completely. Faith replaced the sin that flowed in her veins. She continued to cry. She didn't know why she was crying, she wasn't in any pain anymore. Emotions just flowed out of her. Absolute devotion. A soothing and warm voice spoke.

"I forgive you, my child."

That was all she heard before she slipped away from humanity.