Complicated Like That

The Night We Ignited.

He told me that he was coming to see me later that night.

It made my stomach turn. My heart was pattering out of my chest, my body shivered. Every fiber in me buzzed as if charged with electricity. I was nervous, scared ... I felt as if something was going to happen that was forever going to change things. I couldn't sit still. I was internally dying.

The voice of my best friend calling my name broke me out of the trance. I looked up at her. Even in the pitch darkness, her amber hair burned like molten copper flames - wild and untamed, much like her. She just stared at me as if I was being retarded.

"You've seen him a million times, calm the fuck down."

As always, rationality and reason echoed in her voice. I looked at her blankly for a bit, trying to mentally articulate my words but also terrified to say them out loud. I felt like an idiot, like I was overreacting over something so small and irrelevant. I did see him a million times. I never felt nervous or anything vaguely related. And this stumped me, because I am so detached. I don't get nervous for anyone, ever. But tonight was different, I could just feel it in my bones.

"What if he kisses me?"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "He won't and even if he tries, you'll stop him."

My heart skipped a beat - Will I stop him?

As if she could read my mind, she said, "he's tried to kiss you many times, you've always stopped him."

I nodded my head in agreement and yet, still somehow drowned in an ocean of doubt. The hours tolled on. She noted that we hardly ever sit in silence. I mumbled something and we sat in silence again. I kept blanking out, my head was pounding with a million thoughts, all scattered everywhere and haphazard. I wanted to say so many things. But I couldn't, not because it was her, she's the kind of person who listens to your shit and then tells you what she thinks and gives you advice but never judges. I couldn't say it out loud because I didn't want to hear it. I pictured what the words would sound like, and how a silence would hang in the air as she looks at me baffled and shocked that I even said them at all.

"I need to pee." I announced. I didn't really need to pee, I needed to go smack myself in the bathroom and get my shit together. "Will you be okay alone?" 

"Yeah, you can go."

I walked to the bathroom quickly. As if it was some magic portal that was going to teleport me back into my bed and erase all the day's anxiety. I stared at myself in the mirror. I took a deep breath and gave myself a prep talk. Absolutely nothing was going to happen tonight and when I go home, I'm going to laugh at myself for being so stupid. I couldn't kiss him even if I wanted to. He has a girlfriend. I repeated this as if it was my mantra, some ancient prayer that's going to save me from Taqdeer (Fate). I'm so stupid. I decided that I was being a bitch, leaving my best friend alone with some fucked up, demented, ugly-ass perverts who were eyeing her the entire night while I was in the bathroom telling myself things that I already knew.

"Sorry for taking long. Were you okay? Did they try anything."

"No, it's chilled." She smiled before taking the Hookah pipe and smoking.

"I'm over it." I announced.

"Good." She said.

We started to speak about other things, I was starting to feel better. It was short-lived. The sinking feeling started again and I decided to cut it out by smoking as much as I can. I kept asking her about my appearance and she insisted I looked nice. Why did I even care? Only the Lord knows.