Complicated Like That

Restart

I have this insatiable desire to just delete all online evidence of my life, fake my death and move to the mountains to live peacefully. I've always thought about running away, in hopes that somehow my problems would disappear but they won't. They are savage and pesky things that will turn into beasts as soon as the thought of avoiding them sinks in. I guess what I really want is peace of mind, or just peace in general. It's kind of weird, when I was young and naive, I thought that the only way to obtain this peace was to put myself out of my misery but I was saved time and time again. I concluded that maybe I had a greater purpose than just this ordinary life and maybe I do.

But somewhere deep in my subconscious, I sink deeper and deeper into this hole with all my hope diminishing as time passes. I feel lost, stuck actually. It's truly horrendous. I keep turning to people in hopes that maybe they can talk some sense into me but they just make me want to leave even more. It's as if they really believe that we, ordinary, powerless humans, have actual control over our lives. We don't. We can't choose where we're born nor the circumstances we're born in, we can't choose our trials, we can't even choose who we fall for even though we convince ourselves we can. Herein, lies dilemma one: the man I'm completely in love with.

He doesn't exist. Confused? I'll explain ... well, I'll try to.

I created him, filled him with all the qualities I actually want in a partner and transferred some valuable and very real memories for a little flair. I imagined him as some unobtainable, perfect man who didn't reciprocate my feelings. Why? Because it's easier than living and breathing with some love than to live without hope in the entire concept. I read that a little love is better than none. I've spent the last three years with the world's most inconsistent sleep schedule, worked like a dog for four months in those years so that I'd be so physically exhausted that sleep would just come quickly - it didn't. No matter how tired or drained I was, sleep was never quick. Instead I'm haunted by the memories of a failed relationship, a broken friendship and an overbearing family life. So I imagine a man who is actually capable of loving me, I look forward to closing my eyes at night, knowing that sleep may take time but at least I can wrap my arms around myself and sleep feeling loved. Awfully sad? Maybe ... Downright insane? Definitely.

A ... close friend turned friend-stranger ... recently told me that they needed a restart. I laughed, of course. If only it were that easy. If only, we could wake up one morning and decide to detach from everything and move on blissfully. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood and wanted it too. That scared me, terrified me actually because then I began to think of all the possible reasons they would feel that way, all roads leading to the same conclusion ... they're lost, that or I'm just overthinking everything as per usual. Feeling lost is such a frustration. But nothing is as frustrating as ... dilemma two.

I hate myself, I hate everything. I'm so lost that I lost myself. I need help yet every time I try, no one listens. I guess that's what made me want to write about everything the way that I do. deep down, I know that I am destined for something great - I want to do so many things, all of which are to save humanity, what's left of it anyway. I want to inspire people to be kind, loving, forgiving, compassionate. I want to help people. I want to spend every single day for the rest of my life knowing that I'm making a difference. I want to save as much people as possible. But the same friend once told me: "you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved." I know I can't, that doesn't mean I won't try. I want my kids to grow up in a home so loving that all they can do is spread that love everywhere. I want people to hear about the struggle that no one really talks about - poverty that doesn't look like bones but still exists, depression that looks like happiness until the door is closed and it's all blood, loneliness that looks like popularity that only lasts as long as the social event, pretty girls who attract a lot of guys but cry themselves to sleep because none of those guys love them, they just want sex.

I cry myself to sleep. With all the likes, comments and flirting, not a single one of them want to know me. No one has really wanted to know me. I was the crazy girl who took life too seriously when she was young because she already knew that life is pretty fucked up. We carry our sins to our graves. I was the one they warned you about because she's just ... crazy, suicidal, depressing ... like a curse walking on the earth. But what they didn't tell you, was that I was also the one who gave you chance after chance even if you ripped my heart out, I was the one who was quick to cry but quick to forgive too, the one you could count on even if you let me down an infinite amount of times, the person who defended you even if you were the one who who was listing your wrongs. And if I loved or cared, it was as genuine as humanly possible. I guess that does sound crazy - it's the devil's world, of course Godly qualities were listed as crazy.

I'm terrified that no one will love me. Anyone and everyone who got a glimpse of who I really am always said I deserved the world, none of them have tried to give it to me. In all the good I have done, no one has bothered to return it equally. I'm damaged. Fed pretty lies and ultimately, abandoned. I would lying if I said it didn't affect me. It did. I don't answer the phone anymore. Because it's all good when someone needs me but like magic, they disappear when I need them. It's not their fault. It's not anyone's fault but my own. My fatal flaw is hope for everyone but myself. It's not that I put my faith in people despite their obvious and inevitable disappointment. It's that I have faith in a higher power and I refuse to believe that anyone created by the hands of God, doesn't deserve love. They do. We all do.

I think sometimes we're all so used to the world being so messed up that we forget that there is a God who loves us so much, He forgives our worst sins as soon as we feel the slightest bit of remorse. Part of my efforts to save humanity is to be someone who emanates good and selfless love so everyone. A living reminder of how we were meant to live: loving, forgiving and helping everyone. That's why I know I'm doomed to a life of misery and loneliness and depression and self hatred and trust issues and abandonment issues and commitment issues. God, this list is long. The devil will not allow me to live like this. He will try to break me and so will the world. I will not allow myself to be broken. I will not allow myself to give in. I will not allow anything to turn me to stone. Someday, I will achieve all that I wanted to achieve. Someday, the world will be a much better place than it was when I was growing up. 

That day will be a glorious day. 

That day no one will sit in their room, overthinking and burdened with a weight far too heavy for them. That day, they will feel lighter, at ease, at peace. That day, there will be a newfound flame of hope. And from that day onwards, no one will ever need a restart.