rant, memories, and thank you's.

Number whatever

Okay, here is something I have been recently feeling horrible about.

Support.

I feel like I don't support anybody or anything.

It's not that I don't want to, I just feel like I don't.

It started off feeling like I didn't support the groups I was into and stuff. Like, I didn't ask for their merch, I didn't ask for their albums, I didn't ask for limited edition items and stuff. I didn't ask to go to California for concerts and stuff even though I live right next door to California. I didn't ask for this stuff to support the artists and people I loved because I felt like if I asked my mom for that stuff then I was just contributing to her financial problems. Like, 'You know that 40 dollars you just made your mom spend on that limited edition album from that kpop group you really like? Yeah, well, that's 4 hours worth of her money down the drain'. And it makes me feel bad! But then when I don't support the groups I love, I also feel bad because I should've probably just
asked.

But as I thought more about that, I thought more about how I probably don't even support people I personally know. Like, my friends go through hard times and I feel so useless because I don't have any good advice. All I got is 'It'll be okay'. That's it! What does that even mean? Then my friend's friends come out and they have all of this good advice and stuff and they help them through it and I feel like I couldn't even do anything.

I can't support anybody! I feel selfish. I can easily ask my mom to buy me instruments to support my music interest, but that doesn't mean anything when I can't even support the people that motivated me to do music!

I feel so bad for asking my mom for stuff. I hate it, but all my mom sees is that I could have just asked and she would have said yes, but that's even worse because I feel like she doesn't know how to reject me. I already feel bad enough for my expensive phone bill, let alone asking for the CD of a band that I really like because they aren't on Spotify. I feel bad because I already feel like I have everything that I could ever want, but I'm just asking for more.

Then with my friends I feel bad that I wasn't any use to them. Some of my friends have done amazing things to help people, while all I can do is say "one day it'll be okay". Like... no? That's horrible advice, that's so vague and fatuous.

Ugh, this feeling is gonna follow me for the rest of my life. My stomach already hurts just thinking about it.

I'm just over it fam. Life is boring. My eyes are spicy. Leave me alone.