Love, Honey

#4 *SS - Borders

All these people here staring and looking at me, shaking their heads, eyes down strong on me. What's wrong with me? Can you tell me now? What's wrong with me? Can you tell me, now?

I'm uncomfortable. Everyone's looking, judging. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm different than everyone here. But I don't know in which way. I'm scared. Really scared. What if I never fit in?

The anger, the cruelty, I deserve it and I'd do anything to be what they call perfect.

I've been bullied. Probably because I'm different. Yet, I've never known the real reason. I'm not perfect, I'll never be, but that doesn't mean I won't try to be. I want to fit in and if I have to work incredibly hard for it, I won't complain. I'll do it.

Then maybe I could find a place to call my own and belong, but if only I was strong.

I need to feel at home somewhere. I want to belong somewhere. People say "Home is where your heart is", but what if I don't know where my heart is? I fear that I'm not strong enough to look for a place I belong. What if I never arrive? What if there is no such place? What if? What if?

I'll be walking with my eyes down. I'll keep my eyes down.

I'll blindly follow a path, but where does it lead? What if I'll find myself at the edge of a cliff and decide to jump? I just want to be invisible. Please, nobody talk to me or stop me in my tracks. Please.

'Cause mom said I'd be crossing borders, never be afraid, even when you're cornered. Stand up straight fight your way. Through the borders, fight your way.

I'm from Germany and I know I'll never be happy in this country. The question is where to go now? I know I'll be crossing borders, it's inevitable now. I'm not running away, I'm just slowly leaving everything behind. I'm scared, but that emotion keeps me going. I wouldn't say I'm afraid, that would be too much sacredness. Right now, I'm cornered, but I know this situation will pass. Then I'll be ready to fight. Fight through the borders between countries, but also through my own mental borders. I'm going to fight through every dark thought, until I am where I truly belong.

Stand up, fall down, up again. Up against the pressure I am in.

I feel pressured, but I fight against it. If I fall, I get back up. I need to go where I want to go. No pressure of staying here, no pressure of being perfect will stop me. Not anymore.

Slowly, but surely, I begin jumping trains 'cause I know I can win!

I can win. I refuse to believe otherwise. I am strong enough to do what I want. I might not jump trains anytime soon, because I got over my phase of wanting to die every single day, but I know when I have a goal, I can reach it. I can win!

Oh, fear not, 'cause I know I'm in his hands. Though I can't see, I know there's a plan. So thick the fog, but I know I can trust the feelings that I feel when the road's rough.

Even though I don't really believe in God, I do believe that there is someone leading me. Sometimes I can't really think about anything but the words my mom tells me every day: There's a plan. There is no bad without causing something good. Everything happens for a reason. I love my mom for everything she tells me. She's one of my biggest role models. She is the strongest person I know. I love her more than anything.

Over the years of being bullied and dealing with depression I've been chanting the words "It gets better" over and over again. I feel my anxiety, I feel down, yet I feel alive. No journey can be won without feeling alive. Trusting the feeling of being alive is the best thing I could have ever done. It makes me stronger. It makes me tougher. It makes me pull through. It makes me fight.

I gotta be tough with my eyes down, strong in my stance with my eyes down.

Giving up is no option for me. I need to trust myself, fight and stay strong. Blind trust in my talents and skills is necessary for success. Fighting with a blindfold only makes you more aware of your surroundings. Having your eyes down makes you better, less open for bad influences, more aware of your goal. It makes you find yourself faster.

'Cause mom said I'd be crossing borders, never be afraid, even when you're cornered. Stand up straight, fight your way. Through the borders, fight your way.

I'm overcoming my fears, crossing the borders they once set. I'm blasting through, setting myself free. I'm starting to live! Right now I feel like no one can stop me, I'm not as easy to break as I was a couple of years ago. I'm finally on my way to find myself.

No, I won't play pretend. There's so much more up ahead. No, I won't play pretend! There's so much more ahead!

I'm done playing by the rules. I'm not going to smile when I feel like crying. I will not be someone I'm not. If I'm me, I can reach things others find impossible to reach, I can run faster than others would want to, I can set my soul on fire to finally find burning passion for something inside me. I'm done being a good girl. I'm done living up to everybody's expectations. I'm done pretending. I'm done.

A/N

Hey everyone!

Sorry this update is late, but yesterday I couldn't find the time to spend on social media. I hope this delayed update still brings a smile to your face.

The inspiration for this piece of artwork was Amber Josephine Liu, a Korean idol. Her songs bring light to my eyes, they make me happy. I have linked her song "Borders" above/ on the side if you were wondering where I got the lyrics from.

Anyhow, I love you all! My message box is open for everyone who needs it and everyone who just wants to chat. Next week I'll be on schedule again, I promise!

Love, Honey