Love, Honey

#7 *SS - On my own

It's okay, it's okay. I'll lie and say it's okay.

I'm not okay. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be. I'm always lying to myself, saying that everything will work out. But I know it won't. I'm broken to a degree that cannot be fixed. Quite scary, I think. But I'm okay. It's okay.

So far I've gone to get to you.

I have tried everything to tell you that I'm broken, that I'm dying. I have tried to make you stay. I have tried to get the message across multiple times. I failed every time. I couldn't get to you, actually, I never could. Not even once. But I'm okay. It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay. You see through my hardened face. Trying to see the light through the rain, hoping that nothing's gone.

I know you know I'm lying. You have always been able to read me, mainly because I always let you. For some reason I thought it would make a difference... I didn't, I know that now, you've always just concentrated on what is good. You never see when someone else is hurting as long as you are good. I can't believe how blind I've been, seeing you as some kind of saviour. It's unbelievable how you affected me. My mind was so clouded when I was around you. But I'm okay. It's okay.

But still, I hold on, this mask is running thin. I know I'm losing my senses. I pray each and every day for me to stay awake but I'm on my own.

I feel like I'm not able to live without someone by my side. Yes, I have managed up until now, but I have always relied on others. I need someone to guide me, to give me some rules. Something tells me that I wouldn't manage to live alone. Yet, right now, I am. I am on my own and scared. What if I never find someone? But I'm okay. It's okay.

It's too late, it's too late, it's just too late. Won't believe I came too late.

I tried to change my habits, but it was too late. I can't possibly change the habits I've been having for the longest time. Scratching my skin when I'm nervous, anxious, is something I do basically on a daily basis. Self-harming is never the solution, but now I'm addicted, I just can't stop. Yet I'm trying, holding onto the last string of hope that is left inside me. I cannot, no, I will not believe that It's too late to stop now. Hurtful words were the reason I started, they kept egging me on, pushing me. When I realized I came forward too late with my confession I wouldn't accept the fact that there was nothing I could do. But I'm okay. It's okay.

The bells rung me out, I've been knocked down, I'm done. For good. I am done for good.

I've been devastated, hearing the news about the two of you. It's almost like I lost a fight, life knocked me out and I don't want to get back up. I'm done. At least I want to be, but something tells me I have to pull through, get back up again, keep going. It's just so hard. After everything I've been through my strength started to fade, my thoughts got darker, my smile got faker. I hate the way I became. But I'm okay. It's okay.

Though there's no way, but still, I hold on. This mask is running thin. I know I'm losing my senses.

I've been keeping up this happy façade for too long, the mask is running thin, I'm losing myself in this character I created. I know it can't be good, but that's just the way it is... Maybe it will be better once I've lost my senses, once I'm numb. But I can't know for sure. I'm just hoping, always trying to see the bright light that's waiting for me. But I'm okay. It's okay.

I pray each and every day for me to stay awake, but I'm on my own.

Praying doesn't do much for me. Sure, I get whatever bothers me off my chest, but there's no response. Why should I hold an inner monologue when I know nothing will change if I do? The big man above would've helped me already if he wanted to, but maybe he just knows I'm not really a believer... Who gives a shit? Honestly? But I'm okay. It's okay.

But still I hold on, my breath now is running thin. I don't care that I'm losing.

After all this time I feel like I don't have enough breath left to complete this challenge. It feels impossible to get through with this, but yet, it doesn't matter. I don't give a damn about losing what people view as most precious: the human life. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I'm losing my senses, losing myself, losing my life. I don't care. But I'm okay. It's okay.

I want you here to stay for you complete me, but I'm here alone. Where are you?

If you were here maybe I'd have motivation to pull through, maybe I'd just keep fighting. Where are you? If you were here maybe I'd see the meaning of life much clearer that how I do right now, maybe I'd live to find out what life holds for me. Where are you? I'm alone, you left me, left me to fight on my own, left me to keep thinking bad thoughts. You left me. Where are you? Did you really think I'd manage on my own? Did you really? Whatever. But I'm okay. It's okay.

Hold on. This mask is running thin. I know I'm losing my senses. I pray each and every day for me to stay awake. But I'm on my own. Where are you?

I'm okay. It's okay. If I tell myself this long enough maybe it will come true. I don't know. But I'm okay. It's okay.

A/N

Hey guys!

It is me again! And again I'm doing one of these lyric inspired short stories in which you can learn a little more about me.

By the way, if you want to get to know me even more, head over to my Tumblr (honeydorothea.tumblr.com) on which I will post a little get to know me and facts blog post, or you can just slide into those DMs or leave a comment. Remember that I love you, now and always.

In no way am I suicidal at the moment, I just felt like sharing this little short work of mine and I thought you might be interested what I'm thinking about when I'm not too happy...

Love, Honey