Life Without Them (On Hold)

Chapter 6: A New Day

~Sang~

I wake up the next morning to the smell of bacon frying, and my children laughing, wondering if last night was all just some big cosmic joke. Brandon's no longer next to me, so I'm pretty sure he went back to his place to change. I roll out of bed and go into my en-suite bathroom to brush my teeth.

I'd know if it was all just a dream right? Corey said it wasn't...and it felt so real.

I grab my robe off the back of the bathroom door once I'm finished, and walk out into the living room, determined to keep a brave face even if it was only a dream. The sight that greets me makes me stop in my tracks. Kota and Gabriel are on the floor in the living room playing with Cole and his trucks. Morgan is sitting at the table in the kitchen while Luke and North are at the stove.

This is how it should've been.

A tear comes to my eye at the thought, and I quickly blink it away. Today isn't the day for tears, it's the day for answers. Much to my delight and disappointment, last night wasn't a dream. Which means these boys, as well as their brothers, have some serious explaining to do.

"We can't have chocolate in our pancakes, daddy Luke," Morgan tells him from her seat.

"What? Why not?" Luke pouts.

"Because it's not healthy, you little shiiiiip." North catches the curse before it slips out.

"No, daddy North, that's not why. We had chocolate chip pancakes yesterday and mommy says we can't have the same thing two days in a row. Right mommy!?"

I give my little girl a smile as she looks over at me, making everyone else look my way as well. Morgan definitely got her sense of smell from me, and I'm sure once she gets a feel for her father's scents, she'll be able to pick them up from a room away like she does with us.

Cole moves away from Gabe and Kota and runs up to me. I catch him as he jumps and place him on my hip while walking further into the room. I take a seat on the couch, with him in my lap, and answer Morgan's question.

"That's right, Magpie. That way, nothing gets too what?"

"Mundane," Cole and Morgan say together.

"Good, now why don't you show daddy Luke where the cinnamon is," I tell her.

"Yay! Cinnamon pancakes, it's in the cabinet to the left, daddy Luke!"

"Mommy," Cole whispers into my ear. "They stayed, they didn't go away again."

"Yeah, they did," I tell him with a small smile.

"I hope they never go away again," he mumbles as he settles into my chest.

Me too, baby. Me too.

I try and break out of my morbid thoughts, and really take a look at the boys around me. They certainly aren't boys anymore. Gone are the boyish faces I fell in love with, and in their places, the faces of handsome men who look as though they've been through a lot. But then again, so have I. You don't successfully raise twins as a single mom, and not go through some things, and let's face it, they've always been handsome. My handsome men.

They aren't yours anymore.

As much as it may pains me, I'm right, they aren't. They left me, and I have to remember that. They left, and no matter how much I wish it wasn't true, it is.

I sneak a look at Gabriel and Kota while their attention is elsewhere and I notice something that I failed to last night while I was avoiding looking at them for too long; Gabriel no longer has his blonde locks framing his face. I'm a bit saddened by this, because I know that Gabriel uses his style to express himself.

I wonder what made him change it.

I also notice that him and Kota aren't as slim as they use to be. They now have defined muscles that show through their shirts, whereas before, the muscle was there, just hidden. They aren't hidden anymore, they're on full display. Kota has a few days old scruff coating his jaw line, showing how much he's matured these past five years. Also, his glasses are missing.

They're breathtakingly handsome, I'm sure they have girls drooling over them even more than they did in AW. Especially now that Gabriel no longer has a feminine outward appearance. Gone are the bright happy clothes I'm used to seeing, and it their place is something North or Silas would usually be seen wearing. Faded blue jeans and a blue tee. No, not bright blue, just a regular, average blue. They've made all these changes without me...

I tear my gaze away from the two before I lose my inner battle not to cry, and look into the kitchen at Luke and North. I can only see their backs from here, but there's still quite the difference. Luke has more muscle pushing through his shirt than the last time I saw him, and he's cut his hair. It doesn't even look long enough to put in a ponytail now. Only a few long strands at the front.

North's muscles look about the same from where I'm at, although there's more definition in them. Clear lines throughout his arms and back, showing how hard he's worked. That doesn't really surprise me, if he's continued to work on cars as much as he did when we were together, than it was bound to happen. What surprises me though, is the line of black ink showing from the edge of his wife beater. I can't make out what it is, but knowing that North has gotten another tattoo when he said that he only needed the one on his chest kinda hurts.

I mean, I know I can't really make them stick to promises that they made years ago, but the blatant disregard for my feelings, while standing in my kitchen...that's a low blow. Why are they even here! Why are they cooking in my kitchen as if nothing has happened!? I can't deal with this right now.

"Morgan," I call as I stand up with Cole. "Let's go wash up for breakfast, yeah?"

"Ok, Mommy," she says as she walks over.

"I can take Cole."

Gabriel's words stop me mid step. If Raven and Brandon hadn't had me train so hard after the twins were born, I probably would've stumbled over my own feet. As it was, I just stopped dead in my tracks.

I turn with Cole in my arms to look at Gabriel. He's now standing instead of sitting, with a pleading look on his face. Kota is looking up at him in shock, as are Luke and North from the kitchen.

"What?" I ask, half confused, and half forgetting what he said in the first place.

This is the first time I've actually responded to something they've said instead of talking to the kids. The hope that shines in his eyes from my little slip up has me close down my face of all emotion. Meanwhile, in my head I'm practically swooning. He is the father of my child after all. One of them at least. I'm predisposed to wanting him to be happy...wanting all of them to be happy...but I can't just up and act like nothing's changed. They left! This is something I'll have to constantly remind myself of now that they're back, for however long. I can't let myself fall back into old habits just because they've showed up. I can't let myself or my kids be hurt by them. I won't allow it.

"I can take Cole," Gabriel answers, drawing me out of my inner debate. "I can get him washed up while you do Morgan. I can help...if that's ok."

The uncertainty in his voice nearly does me in. I'd never keep him away from his son, no matter what they've done to me, they deserve to know their children. That's why I've always been honest with the kids about who their father's are. I'd never stop them from having a relationship with their father's if they wanted one.

By now, Morgan is standing next to me, looking back and forth between Gabriel and myself. Most likely wondering if I'll say yes, just like everyone else in the room, including myself.

I look at Cole, still sitting comfortably in my arms and raise an eyebrow to him in question. He tilts his head to the side as if to ask why I'm asking him.

The boys may have their silent communication thing, but it's nothing compared to what I have with the twins.

I give Cole a small smile before looking back at Gabriel, "Yeah, sure."

I put Cole down on the floor, and pick up Morgan's hand. While we're walking away, out of the corner of my eye, I see Cole grab Gabriel's hand and give him the biggest smile imaginable. My relationship with their father's may be rocky, but I'm glad to see that things between them and the twins look stable. And truthfully, that's all I can ask them for.