Murderer

Chapter 9: Brendon

It's been a week since that night. I couldn't help but think about it every second of every day. Even when I tried to think about something else, I always ended up feeling a wrath of guilt for thinking about anything other than Ryan. I kept his notebook on the table next to my bed, but I couldn't bring myself to open it. The only way I wanted to see inside the journal was when he opens it and goes to write something on the empty pages.

Every afternoon after school I would go to my room and grab the notebook off the table and I would keep it very close to me while I made my way through the woods to the pond, where we spent a single weekend making memories. The sight of the pond is dreadful to me now, but I go there anyways because I want to remember the past. I didn't want to forget those times with Ryan that I didn't fully appreciate until now.

The pond is secluded and only I know how to get there, only I know how to unlock the memories of Ryan. The way we cleaned it up, took care of the pond, made it our own. It won't change as long as I'm around.

Sitting at the pond, the reminder of all the schoolwork I had would constantly pound at the back of head, but I would simply let the pain of that thought haunt me, because finding Ryan was more important to me. I didn't even want to do anything to keep my thoughts off of what had all happened. I just wanted it all the sink into my bones.

I walked back to my house just in time for dinner. I didn't eat much these days. I thought about how Ryan was probably starving, and it just took away my appetite. I would stare at the food with a blank expression on my face. I knew it worried my mother that I didn't eat, but I just couldn't help it.

"Brendon, you should eat. Don't you want to be strong for when Ryan comes home? He may need your help when he comes back and we wouldn't want you to be too weak for him, now would we?" she said, trying to get me to eat. She's right, I wanted to be strong for him. I started shoveling food into my mouth.

"When they find him, we'll be one of the first people to know, right?" I asked weakly, trying to pound the thought of hope into my mind.

"Yes, of course!" she said excitedly, liking the fact that I was keeping spirits high.

I went to my room where I set his notebook in front of me. I stared at it as if it was going to suddenly flip open to a page with Ryan's location on it. The red bookmark had always caught my eye. It hadn't appeared there until Monday, the day of the disappearance. The urge not to open it was like a great war in my mind that I was losing drastically to. I wanted to know what went through his mind the day of the disappearance. I wanted to feel closer to him in any way possible.

With my hands shaking, I gently put my fingers on the pages above the bookmark and pushed them open slowly, making sure not to damage any of the pages. At the top, written in Ryan's neatest handwriting was "For Brendon." Underneath, the title said "When The Day Met The Night." I began reading it, taking in every word as if they were the last words I'd ever see written by Ryan. They were so beautiful, so meaningful.

When I came across a verse that was only halfway finished, leaving the rest of the page like an empty void, I could feel the temperature inside me rise quickly, as if I was suddenly set on fire. Tears welled in my eyes, my fists were clenching hard. With full force, I projected myself up from my bed and ran over to my bedroom wall, punching a hole straight through it. I curled up in a ball, with my back resting against the wall, sobbing and clenching my hair, not even thinking about the pain that was shooting through my hand.