Beautiful Misery |1

16. SEDUCED BY MISERY

Like the perfect junkie I told myself, just one more fix. Sliding his bandaged hand into my hair, he tilted my head back— adjusting my face to an angle that suited him. Swallowing audibly, I fisted the soft, warm material of his sweatpants. His muscular thighs tensed beneath my small knuckles and I found myself leaning towards him. Pressing his nose against my neck he inhaled deeply, kissing my heated skin slowly.

Keeping his hands on my skin and in my hair he guided my body off the floor— walking me back until my small form was trapped between his brutal masculinity and the wall. Sucking on my skin he pushed the solid weight of his dominating form against me— skilfully painting a burning, wet line along my throat. My lips parted with a soft moan. Pleased by my reaction he nipped at my jaw roughly. Sliding his fingers around my jaw he tilted my face to his. 

The smooth ridges of his lips brushed past my cheek, pausing at my ear— heated lashes of his breath caressed the skin there. "Tell me you aren't his, Skids." The warm husk in his voice was almost enough to break my resolve. My mouth dried as he angled his face towards mine— I could taste him on my lips. You aren't unfaithful. The defeated voice in my head made herself known, again, her words leaving the bitter taste of disloyalty in my mouth.

Turning away before his lips could give me what I craved, a taste, I closed my eyes. His kiss landed against my cheek. "I can't." I whispered in a voice nothing like my own, wracked with regret and defeat. His sharp jaw tightened against mine; he remained still for several long seconds— both of us as reluctant as the other to seperate. Why was this happening?

The truth was, I didn't know what Kyle and I were anymore. We'd left things unresolved and messy. Our relationship had always struggled because I'd never really been passionate about Kyle, he had simply been there. The flaws in what I thought we'd built began to reveal themselves when I started college. Our relationship hadn't survived the hell that Mr Hale had brought. I didn't blame Kyle, what I was going through— the unstable person I was becoming— it would have been too much for anyone.

Before the horrific course of events that changed my life, I'd always seen myself with Kyle, that had always been the plan. Get an education. Become a doctor. Marry Kyle. Have a family with him. Create a normal stable life for my kids, something my mother had never provided for me. I'd once had a rock solid future plan; now I was flying blind. A part of me felt indebted to Kyle. He had stuck with me through everything, despite my reluctance to be with him completely— he'd waited for us.

When I could no longer trust myself to be around people, without endangering them, I'd pushed Kyle away. My decision to move away only strengthened the distance between us, we drifted further apart. The break had been his idea. He wanted us both to take some time and sort things out. Only, I knew what he really meant was, come back to East LA when you've dealt with your shit. I couldn't see myself ever returning to the place that had destroyed me and he could never see himself leaving his life and family behind.

My hesitation now, spawned from the fact that we hadn't said the final words to end this. Somewhere deep down, I didn't want to let go of my past. I had good memories attached to what had once been my home too, tarnished by the bastard who'd scarred me, but they still existed. Holding onto Kyle, the possibility of being with him, was my way of preserving those memories. I owed him that much.

Yet for the first time in my life, I wanted to be selfish. Rayne made me want to forget those commitments, discard those obligations and burn those memories; all for a simple touch. Guilt rose to my throat, burning my insides with its acidic flavour. I had lost and left too much to ever forget. I didn't deserve this simple pleasure. Not when I'd taken Milo's life. Not when I was the cause of all his suffering.