More Than This

5 - Amber

Song of the chapter - Story of Another Us by 5 Seconds of Summer

75 text messages since we broke up. That's how many times Matt has drunkenly said he was sorry. But not one of those times had he texted me in his right mind. I wasn't sure how to take that information.

Was he really sorry? Did he really miss me? Should I listen to what he had to say?

I had no answers for these questions, so I continued to ignore his texts. That first weekend after he broke up with me, the first drunken text, I figured he was just playing some sort of mind game. I let it go, but I can't deny the heartache I felt when I read it. It hurt that he had walked away without another word, then messed with my pain by texting that he made a mistake.

That was it for almost a month. I tried to forget about it, deleting the text. I spent all of my time with April, immersing myself in her world. She was a rock of strength for me.

I started to wonder what Matt and my relationship would have been like if I had been more like April. What if I had been bold, telling him off when he was acting like a dominating jerk? What if I had spoken up and told him how it made me feel when he accused me of cheating? I know I should have confronted him about Courtney, but by then I was just trying to get out of our relationship.

Hanging around April had made me evaluate myself and the choices I had made. It's not that I blamed myself, but I wondered how different everything could have been.

After a month without him, I thought I had started to heal and move on.

But as soon as I read the first text from him the night of the car show, all of my strength crumbled. I knew it was just drunken ramblings, but it hurt anyway.

That night, for the first time since Shannon and Maddie turned their backs on me, I cried.

I cried until my lungs burned and my throat hurt. I think I actually ran out of tears. I wasn't sure exactly what I was crying about, whether it was for the relationship I wish we could have had or the fact that his feelings were fueled by alcohol. It didn't matter. The pain was real either way.

By morning, I pulled myself together and decided to focus on my new life, the one I wanted to build. I was determined to be strong and outspoken. I wasn't going to let someone control me ever again. The only way to be sure of that was to be honest with my feelings and bold in declaring them.

Today was a new day and I wanted to enjoy every minute. I washed the tears away and got dressed in my favorite leggings and sweatshirt. I planned on reading my troubles away and eating as much junk food as possible.

Not exactly a woman-of-strength moment, but junk food and a good book always made me feel better.

I grabbed a bag of Cheetos, puffy not crunchy because that's just gross, and a fork. I hated that orange crap getting all over my fingers so I ate them with a fork. That was my little secret. I knew it was weird so I kept it to myself.

Just as I got into the most comfortable position with my favorite fantasy novel, which would mark the fourth time I had read it, and placed the Cheetos next to me, fork in hand, my phone buzzed.

My heart sank into my stomach, worried about seeing yet another text from Matt, as I picked up the phone off of the side table. Logic kicked in as I reminded myself that it was only ten in the morning, Matt wouldn't be drunk texting me that early. At least I hoped not. But looking at the screen, I found immense relief when I saw that the text was from April.

Get ready doll. Be there in twenty.-April

I had no plans with her that day so my first thought was, get ready for what?