More Than This

8 - Garrett

Song of the chapter - Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots

My routines were back to normal. I should've felt better. I should have been relieved. But sitting alone behind the cafeteria wasn't a sanctuary anymore. It was too quiet now.

Ever since freshman year, I had been a loner. At all four schools I had found a place to eat alone, I sat in class and only talked to other students when forced to by the teacher. I didn't socialize with them. Ever.

Most of the time, people would shrug away from me. The constant hoodie covering my head gave off a vibe they didn't want to get near. It didn't help that I never smiled. I never looked anyone in the eye unless I needed to appear threatening. No one would get close to someone like that.

And I had no intention of letting anyone get close to me. Not again.

At first, my choice to be a loner wasn't a choice at all. It was just a side effect of being withdrawn from society, turning into myself. Being a turtle, as Nico put it. Hiding.

Later it just became who I was. My identity was wrapped up in pushing people off, scowling all day and not speaking. Now I wasn't sure I knew how to turn that part off, to open back up.

It had almost happened with her. With Amber, I felt myself opening up without even trying. It was strange and overwhelming, something I'm not sure I could handle. And then, it was gone. I had messed everything up by letting my emotions control me. No more. I needed to keep my brain functioning so that wouldn't happen again. Because this is where letting my emotions take over got me, miserable.

And now, even my peaceful lunch away from the fucking school bullshit was a miserable place to be.

My lunch was the typical sandwich that either my mom or I made every day. Another routine. Some fucking deli meat on wheat bread, no mayo but with one slice of cheese. Not exciting, but definitely cheap.

I would get food from school, but it sucked. I'd rather look like a pussy with my homemade lunch then eat the crap they pass off as food.

Who am I kidding, I never looked like a pussy.

It was such a weird feeling, sitting alone in my usual spot away from the glares and looks of horror. I never felt lonely anymore. Or at least I never noticed it. Loneliness was such a normal part of my life, it just was. There was nothing about being alone that was new.

Until yesterday.

Fuck, when Amber looked at me and walked away, I suddenly felt more lonely than I ever had before. And freshman year, I had been effing lonely. That year the loneliness practically killed me.

Lisa had just...left us. My mom had packed the two of us up and moved to a new state, getting me away from everything. Including Nico.

I never had many friends, Nico had pretty much been it. Now he was gone too. FaceTime wasn't my thing so texting was the main way we stayed in touch. It sucked.

That was the year I started pulling away. That was the year I pulled the hood up, not wanting the effing questions about my scar. That was the year I hated everyone and everything. And, that was the year I met Rachel.

I thought about Rachel once in a while, but she wasn't someone I missed. I was too messed up to have feelings for her, and she must have been the same.

That year, at whatever f-ed up school I happened to have been shoved into, I honestly couldn't even remember which one, I sat under the bleachers for lunch. The back of the cafeteria was unavailable. That's code for filled with a holes already. I wasn't trying to get beat up, so I found another spot. Alone.