There Must Be Something More

15 | Truly Happy

I tried my best not to be seen by Meredith.

The truth was, ever since last night I couldn't wait to see her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I even told my mom and dad about her. I said I found a friend who wasn't like anyone I've ever met. And then as I went to school I thought about picking her up, but hesitated when I figured I might be coming on too strong.

But now that I was actually at school, where she's really, actually around--I was petrified. When she came my way, I ran to the nearest bathroom (it was the girls', and they started to scream and yell and I had to rush to the boys'.

And as I pressed my back against the cold marble wall, I thought a thousand things: What have you done? Do you realize what you just did, Charlie Borlock? Do you realize the severity of your situation? Did you even estimate what's going to happen next?

You just formed an unlikely bond with Meredith Caraway. The girl who brought sticky notes of lame Bible verses everyday. The girl who just can't stop talking about God and freaking everybody out. The girl who just can't go along with you and your friends.

And yet she's also the girl who brings peace by the Bible verses she gives out. She's also the girl who gives you comfort by telling you encouraging words. She's also the girl who invites you to her house, makes you eat her grandpa's chili, introduces you to her pet pig, and isn't afraid to call you her friend after just one night.

She's also the girl who actually listened to your personal problems. She's the only person who did. Not even your girlfriend. Not even your best friends.

How is it that one single person just comes in your life and rearranges it  in some way you never thought you'd like better than how you'd want it?

But it wasn't just her. It was her faith. Everything she did was a reflection of what she believed. Her kindness, her openness, her friendliness. Everything about her.

And right there, as I stepped out of the guys' restroom, I found myself thinking: Is it all true? Is God real? Does He actually exist?

"Hey, Charlie!"

I turned just in time to have Calum seize me in a headlock. I struggled to keep my balance, and then shoved him off.

"You were just staring at the floor, weirdo," he said, snickering.

"Thanks," I said as I made my way to my locker.

"Whoa, you alright?" He asked. He caught up to me. He stood beside me as I loaded stuff in my locker.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I muttered.

"Because you don't seem like it."

"I'm fine," I sighed. "I just... I have a lot going on in my mind lately."

"Why? You and Krista have a fight?"

I snapped. I almost forgot about her. I had been too caught up being with Meredith that I forgot I had an actual girlfriend. Would she be jealous if she knew I'd been hanging out with another girl? Would she stop me from doing so?

But it wasn't like that with Meredith. At least, I didn't think so. It was just something about her smile, her gesture of infinite kindness, and the way she says things so... honestly. It was as if I did not need to feel skeptical. She was not only preaching the Word of God through words, she was also living it, proving it true.

Does that mean--

"Dude? Dude!" Calum barked, snapping his fingers in my face.

"What?" I said impatiently.

"You're too occupied. You and Krista did have a fight, did you?"

"No, it's... something else," I said.

"Oh, really? What is it, then?"

I looked at him. I remembered Meredith and everything else with her.

"You wouldn't understand," I said.

My best friend scoffed. "So, what? There are things now that I can't get and only you do?"

And then I spotted her. Meredith was heading my way. She was grinning. She wasn't doing much, but her eyes--that's what had me running. They surrounded me, it was as if it held a whole new world that might be too amazing for me. Too much for me.

And so my feet carried me away. I had not even decided on the matter. At least, not consciously. I was battling with two sides of me--the one who wanted to be with her because of the peace and love and belongingness she brought, and the one who was afraid of the consequences of the peace and love and belongingness she brought.

Unfortunately, the second one won. I was sprinting to another hall. I heard Calum's alarmed calls for me. I ran even faster.

What's wrong with you, Charlie? What are you so afraid of?

I walked past rooms and rooms. Why am I such a coward? What do I care about what my friends would think? They don't even care about me enough to want to hear about my problems unlike Meredith!

Why do I spend a lot of time impressing people? What do I need their impression for. What's important is that I'm happy.

I'm truly happy.

And what I had during my stay with Meredith, meeting her granddad, knowing about her family, talking about mine--I was so happy. Truly happy. And I knew that because I have never felt joy and peace like that from going out with my friends and girlfriend. It was as if it was the missing feeling of home that I found in Meredith's.

It was her and the way she showed...

The way she showed Jesus.

I smiled. I was not fully sure of what it meant, but it came to my mind and I felt peace with it.

So why was I balking? What was so wrong?

I knew the wise thing to do was just be myself. I knew I should tell my friends they did not know Meredith like I did. That they did not know that her parents love her very much that they take every opportunity to talk to her even miles away; that they love God so much they're willing to risk their lives to go to different places just to preach His Word. They don't know that her granddad makes the best chili in the world and loves her like a daughter. They don't know about her adorable pet pig and how she likes to put him in a dress.

They don't know the joy I get whenever she talks about God. They don't know how her presence itself gives me a homecoming feeling.

And I knew I should do the right thing and tell Calum and Amanda and Krista and my parents that. I knew it.

But fear came over me again. And the next thing I knew my feet carried me to my second period.

I did not receive her sticky note of Bible verse of the day.