There Must Be Something More

65 | Life Is So Fleeting

I didn't need to hear it. I pushed past Meredith and staggered onto the long and narrow hallway that had every other private room aligned. I was frantic. For the past few days I had been oblivious, anxious to know about Liam. Now I knew I had no time. I knew something bad had happened. I just knew it.

I searched for his room in a frenzy. I was too much in a hysteria I couldn't quite read the words beside the doors. And during this moment a million thoughts whirlpool'ed its way to my mind. I remembered the conviction I got from saguaros and people and realized it was all in my head. It was either I had been lost in my own sense of evangelizing or the devil had deceived me into buying that modern evangelism junk. I figured it was both. And now that same saguaro had almost killed me and my best friend.

No, I thought, the problem wasn't the saguaro. It was me. It was always me. What's wrong with me?

I had overdone the conviction. It was from God, alright, but in overthinking and fear, I twisted it into my own meaning and principle--that it became more of a curse to me than a blessing.

I felt Grandpa Chuck's hand on my arm and calmed down a bit. He led me to the room two doors down and let me inside. 

My side ached as I moved closer. Liam was in his bed, reading a magazine. He looked up when he heard us come in.

I grinned. He was fine.

"Hey, man," I said, sitting by his bed. 

I recalled the very first time I was in a hospital, and I too was beside the bed to talk. I too was the one who caused it. I too was the reason it happened.

Liam smiled. Dark circles were obvious under his eyes, but his smile reached them and I knew he was going to be alright. At least I hoped so.

"Lucky you," he told me, "you get to walk out of here. Literally."

I chuckled. "Yeah." And then I remembered I was the very reason he was here. I imagined he was in a worse situation than me. I immediately felt guilty. And sorry. I missed my best friend.

"I'm really sorry we ended up here, Liam," I said, patting his shoulder. I held back tears. I remembered the scenario from six years ago too well, which I wish I didn't.

Liam shook his head and smiled. He even looked like the scenario from six years ago too. He patted my hand.

"It's okay, Charlie," he said. "Maybe this was meant to be, I don't know. I'm pretty tired of my life. The only good thing that happened to me was that I found a big brother like you."

Tears came to my eyes. I didn't have enough time to wipe them away so I didn't.

"Stop it, dude," I said, forcing a chuckle. "There's always a reason to live."

"For you, maybe," he said, "I mean, Meredith seems like a really nice girl."

I blinked. "What?" I turned to Grandpa Chuck and he gave me the same oblivious expression.

"You know what this incident has made me realize?" He said.

"What?"

"That life is so fleeting, and you have to make the most of every opportunity."

I nodded in agreement. Liam smiled and gestured for me to lean closer. I leaned.

He whispered, "So if I were you, I'd tell Meredith how I feel before it's too late. I think God's let you survive for a reason."

I smiled and shook my head. "I told you. It's not like that with her. But... you're right about there being a reason for God keeping me alive." I'm meant to tell you about Him, I thought. But I didn't say it. Not yet. I felt like it would be too soon.

Liam smiled and closed his eyes. He seemed peaceful. I was relieved. But I wished I had more time to talk. I felt like I hadn't seen him in ages.

Grandpa Chuck appeared beside me. "Maybe we should let him rest."

I exhaled. "I feel like I should rest too." I made a vow to myself I'd visit the poor guy again during the evening.

----------

"You know, that got me thinking," I said, staring out the window of my pickup. Trey was the one driving this time. He didn't stir, but his eyes moved to my direction.

"What?" He asked. 

"About what you and Steven and Samuel were telling me in the hospital," I said. "You know, Hell's Best Kept Secret."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. But can you tell me more about it, though? I understood it, but I feel like I need more... explanation."

Trey smiled. He gave me a head-turn, then he glanced back to the road. "Right when you get home."

----------

"Welcome home!" 

I smiled, looking at the good amount of friends and family in my living room. There was Steven and the rest of the guys in our cell group, there was Steven, Meredith, and Grandpa Chuck. 

There was someone missing. "Where's Mom and Dad?" I asked.

"They said as much as they wanted to, they couldn't be around. They have a mansion to sell in Indiana."

At this, my face fell.

"But we did make a four-layer of strawberry cake for you!" Meredith said, her arms raised high as if she was ready to give me a bear hug. I passed. I didn't need my bones breaking. But I gave her a smile and she fished something out of her backpack.

It was a baseball cap with a patch of strawberry stitched onto the front. I realized it when she had me face in front of a mirror. I chuckled and shook my head in the inoffensive silliness. She always made it seem as if everything was sunshine and rainbows.

And I wished they were.

It was nothing big and grand, but it was everything I could ever ask for. That afternoon I spent a good amount of time alone with myself and had all things to think about.

I faced my open transom window and watched the day. I closed my eyes and felt tears well up. "God, I'm sorry for using You as an excuse to hang out with Liam and ditch my friends--and You. Most importantly, You. I'm sorry for putting other people above You. You who saved me from the bondage of sin and hell. You who gave me life and breath and the will to live and the beautiful purpose to serve You and tell people about Your law and love. It is because of Your beautiful law that Your beautiful sacrifice is emphasized. Your holiness is what drives me to repentance and I love it. I love You. Use me today and forevermore for Your kingdom and for Your kingdom only. Give me wisdom so I won't be deceived anymore. In Jesus's name. Amen."

"Charlie?" I heard Trey's voice from outside my door.

I smiled. I couldn't wait to hear more. "Come in." I said.