Falling From Grace: Student-Teacher Forbidden Romance

Chapter 13

[RECAP: Father Gabriel will be directing a school production of The Crucible, in which American student Leonie will play the starring role...]

These things are sent to test us.

Gabriel tried to be rational about it. It wasn't as though becoming ordained automatically got rid of all physical urges. He still had emotions, he still felt. He imagined Father Stephen did too.

But it was about valuing Heaven more than Earth. About loving God more than pleasure.

He remembered some of the wise words spoken to him during his training. "Even unintended violation of chastity requires opportunity, privacy, and secrecy. It is a wise priest who denies himself these."

There was little privacy or secrecy in a girls' school, so he had those covered.

Until now it had seemed so easy. He had been so angry about Joanne, so ardently committed to his new vocation. He hadn't looked or wanted to look at a girl in five years.

Even now, he barely noticed any of them. Just that one girl.

Was it because she was different? Because she was foreign, and seemed somehow isolated?

The image of her came before him when he tried to sleep, when he tried to pray, when he tried to read his bible.

If it was just a sexual thing, a physical impulse, it should have been easier to deal with. But he found that he liked her, was interested and amused by the things she said in class. Trying to ignore her made it worse. Once or twice he had done so, and he had sensed she was hurt by it.

Denying her attention also singled her out. He couldn't just cold shoulder her or people would wonder what had happened. That might be even more dangerous.

There was debate in the church as to whether a priest might relieve himself privately. The conservative line was that such a thing was never appropriate. But some of his more pragmatic mentors had suggested to him and the other ordinands that if the smaller lapse helped prevent the greater lapse, God might not eternally condemn them for it.

Lying in his bed that night, Gabriel considered trying it. But the moment he touched himself the image of the girl flooded into his mind. He wouldn't be able to face her tomorrow if he used her image for that, and he was unable to conjure up any other image.

So he rolled over and tried to recite lines of poetry in his head, bible verses, anything.

It seemed hours before he found solace in sleep.

*  *  *

Gabriel and Father Stephen lived in the small presbytery attached to the chapel, which was separate from the main school building. They usually had lunch in the school dining hall, due to teaching duties, but ate breakfast and supper separately.

Father Stephen typically rose before Gabriel and had breakfast underway, with Gabriel reciprocating for the evening meal.

That morning Gabriel needed his coffee very strong and very black. He drank two cups of it before even turning his attention to eggs and toast.

"A restless night?" Father Stephen asked.

"Somewhat," Gabriel admitted.

Father Stephen cast a closer glance at him. "You are troubled, Gabriel?"

Gabriel couldn't lie to the old man. Stephen was far too astute for that.

"Struggles which I am sure we all have," he said.

Father Stephen spread marmalade over his toast. "Of the faith or of the flesh?" he inquired.

"Both, I suppose."

The older priest smiled. "Consider it a blessing. A reminder of one's humanity and how we are no different from our flock, though we may separate ourselves from other men. The journey is not supposed to be easy."

Gabriel was certainly discovering that. "Did you ever doubt? That you had made the right choice?"

"Many a time. I am only human. I saw, my heart lusted and loved like any young man. I met a young woman once who made me seriously question the path I had chosen. But eventually I saw that my need for union with the church was greater than my need for an earthly union."

Gabriel was intrigued. "What happened to her?"

"In time she married, had a family, and lived happily ever after. I doubt she was even aware of my feelings for her, or at least the depth of them. Perhaps she wouldn't have returned them if she had known. It was all for the best."

Father Stephen certainly looked as though he was at peace with his life, munching his toast and contemplating the day's duties.

He consulted his diary, a small black leather book. "Now I have a meeting with Mother Benedict later this morning. It's a time when I usually provide confession, so if you wouldn't mind filling in, it would be much appreciated," he told Gabriel.

"By all means. Do you usually have many attending?" Gabriel asked.

"One or two. I feel it's important, though, given the enclosed atmosphere of the school, to offer the chance for private confession. The girls are far from family members whom they might otherwise confide in." Father Stephen stood up and picked up his plate and Gabriel's. "You may of course find yourself totally alone for the hour."

Gabriel hoped so. The peace of the chapel and the silence of the dark confessional might help clear his head.

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Can you guess what's coming?!

;)