Falling From Grace: Student-Teacher Forbidden Romance

Chapter 39

[RECAP: Father Gabriel has admitted falling for Leonie in the letter he wrote to her. But what can he do about his holy vows?]

Gabriel sat at the desk in his room, failing to make any progress on his thesis. He was supposed to pray for three sessions a day but he couldn't focus on that either.

He knew he had stepped over a dangerous line by writing the letter to Leonie. He had genuinely intended to keep it platonic. But the solitude here had made him long for her.

If only he had been sent on the inner city mission as he had wanted, rather than given a teaching job, none of this would ever have happened. Yet even as he considered how much easier his life might have been, he found he could not regret meeting her.

Was it a test? Was the whole point of falling for her, falling into temptation, some kind of trial to prove his commitment to his faith?

He re-read her letter to him.

I think about you every day. I wish I was there with you too. Every night I remember what it felt like being with you in the storm, and I want to be with you again.

I haven't ever felt like this about anyone. I just wish that you were free to do what you want, and I'm sorry if I shouldn't be wishing this.

What had he done? He should never have caused her this confusion, or given her expectations that could never be met. He knew how selfish it was of him.

How weak he had been.

Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Gabriel had tried turning to his Bible but found no solace there. Lectio Divina, or Divine Reading, was one of the activities encouraged at St Beuno's. It should have brought him into closer communion with God. Read, meditate, pray, contemplate. He hardly got past the first step, and meditation was impossible with all this on his mind.

He had prayed extensively for forgiveness. For strength. For help.

It seemed that none came.

Gabriel travelled back to St Winifred's on Saturday, a day before the students returned. Father Stephen had remained behind in the presbytery, holding the regular services for the nuns who lived at the school all year round.

He had been happy to do this. He knew that his younger colleague needed some time away to resolve whatever it was that weighed on his mind.

Father Stephen was cutting up some vegetables to make an Irish stew for supper when Gabriel arrived. The weather was growing much colder now November was nigh, which called for wintry food.

"Welcome back. How did you find St Beuno's?" he asked as he chopped some carrots.

"Very beautiful. I can see why Hopkins was inspired," Gabriel said.

The older priest transferred the carrot from the chopping board to the pot. "I stayed there myself some years ago. I recall that it rained every single day. They continually suggested that we take walks, but what with the mud and the downpour, I must confess I spent most of my time indoors. I remember it being very green, but that's about it."

"It was very green."

Father Stephen put the lid on the stew pot and adjusted the flame to a lower setting. The he turned his attention more fully to Gabriel, scrutinising him.

"I know you have had things weighing on your mind. I hope the retreat may have brought you some relief regarding that."

Gabriel had hoped this as well, but if anything it had done the opposite. The absence from Leonie had only thrown his thoughts into deeper tumult. "Not exactly."