Caught in the Unexpected

Epilogue

Dreaming      Laurabelle

Sadness permeated the entire car. Dad was quiet, and Mom tried to hide her wet face by looking out of the window. They worried about me attending college in Chicago. So close to Grayson. Grayson. It was still foreign to think of our relationship in the past tense, to think of him as an "ex" anything.

Poppy and Gran joined me and the parental unit on eight hour drive from Kansas City to Bingley College in Chicago. We made several stops along the journey to accommodate Poppy's small bladder. I was indifferent to stopping. I slept as much as I could because the beautiful scenery distracted me from my melancholy. I also slept because in my dreams, Grayson visited me and there was warmth there. And love. And safety. And lips. And hands. And wild heartbeats. And blue eyes. And love. But...Grayson always left me when my eyes opened, left me with wounds.

When I wasn't dreaming, he ignored me. I still reached out to him in moments of weakness, but he rarely responded.

I was not depressed. No matter what my dad whispered to my mom behind closed doors...I just wasn't happy anymore. And most days I was angry. Angry at life. Angry at Grayson. Everyday, I fell to an extreme, never somewhere between loving and hating him. One moment, I'd be settled, but the very next second, something would remind me of him. Then, I was back on the ledge of insecurity. A roller coaster. Constantly questioning myself. Why did I still love him? How could he throw me away? Why didn't he trust me enough to let me help him with his sister?

Dad's new talent was spouting off statistics about substance abuse, but I honestly didn't care because all the information only told me why things had to be this way, it didn't give me Grayson back. I could memorize every fact about addiction and know every reason Grayson chose to care for Lilly without me, but none of that helped because I wanted the person who made me feel whole. Unfortunately, he was same person causing my pain in the first place. Irony's stupid.

Even in my pursuit to detach myself from everything, I had to admit that my awesome dorm room gave me a small reason for existing. Dad and Poppy constructed my loft bed while Mom and Gran put up a trendy shower curtain and colorful window coverings.

My family left to freshen up at their hotel, so I was finally alone except for the occasional interruption from Claire, my roommate, I worked in the silence of music. Straightened my shoes in the closet, organized my desk, and set out my personal items, including a photograph, the one of Grayson on the steps of Chicago's Art Institute. And being in Chicago made me want to text Grayson. So, I did. Because I didn't have anything more to lose where he was concerned.

Train Buddy...I officially live in Chicago

now! I know I should leave U alone, but I

can't. I'd rather feel pain than nothing. I'm

listening to Lady Antebellum's "Need You

Now." U should listen too. -Laurabelle

I wasn't really listening to that song, but it was the message I wanted to send. I gave up country music, Stevie Nicks, and anything that reminded me of Grayson, happiness, or love. Which turned out to be everything in my iPod, so now, I listened to nothing but the depression and angst of Evanescence.

I put a photograph of Grayson in the top drawer of my desk because I couldn't bear to look at it anymore. Then, I plugged in my mini fridge then decided to go to Walgreens for milk and coffee creamer. I scribbled a list of other things I needed in addition to the necessary dairy products: toothpaste, pens, travel mug, and mascara.