Voices · Enoch O'Connor

Chapter 6 || Part 1

Truth
[Trooth]

Noun,
The true or actual state of matter.

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I want to tell her, tell her about the loop and my peculiarity, about how unhappy I was when I thought that I was insane, about how I'm finally knowing how having hope feels like.

But I can't she'll just say that she can help me, but she can't, she'll say that she understands, but that's the thing, she doesn't, she doesn't understand how much pain I'm in every single second of every day, she doesn't understand what it feels like to feel like you're an outcast but Miss Peregrine does, Emma does, Olive does, Millard does, Enoch does.

But she doesn't, I can't tell her, I want to but I can't. I look at my mom with a smile and say. "I'm fine mom, I'm safe, I'm understood, everything's fine. That's all I can tell you, mom, I love you remember that."

"Honey, please don't go, I can't lose you." I knew what I had to do and what I wanted to do. I have to do what's best for her even if it hurts me. All I want is for her to be safe.

"I love you mom, forever and always." I want to tell you. "I love you, mom." I'll miss you. "I'll never forget you, mom." I don't want to go. "It's okay, I'm okay." It's not okay, I'm not okay. "Goodbye, mom." I'm not ready yet, I don't want to go.

I feel tears slip from my face into my lap, I look down at the floor and choke on a sob, this is it, this is goodbye. I look up at my mom and see that she's crying too. I give her one last hug. And whispers in her ear. "I'm gonna miss you, mommy, I love you."

I let go of her reluctantly and grab the diary, I look back at her and give her a small smile and she gives one back. I turn back around and jump out of the window. I walk away from the house with tears slipping down my face knowing that this was the real goodbye.

I stop walking when I'm standing in front of the loop, this is it, this is where my life begins and ends. I have nothing else to do in the real world, I'll probably never return here. I step inside the loop and wipe away the tears. Once all the tears are gone, I walk outside again knowing I'm in 1943 again.

I stop when I'm near the house and sit down on the grass field, my head is spinning and the voices are screaming at me to give up. I clutch my head tightly and slightly calm down, I look up and see that it has already turned to nighttime. I stand up and look at the house and see Enoch in his bedroom window, just standing there, looking outside.

I look at one room, the room that contains the child that Miss Peregrine couldn't protect, suddenly my head starts pounding again, I felt as if my stomach turned upside down.

I try to calm down but I couldn't. I faced away from the house and let out a choked scream that lasted for just a second but still, it had already done damage, I'm trying to hold back the scream as much as I can, I felt my ears bleed and heard the windows behind me shatter. I felt my knees give out from underneath me and drop to the floor.

I hear Miss Peregrine shout my name but the noise sounds so distant even though she's probably right behind me. I feel someone behind me fall to their knees and put their arms around my shoulders holding me close, I look up at the person that is holding me out of the corner of my eye and saw that it was Miss Peregrine holding me with a face full of fear and worry, she's looking as pale as a ghost. 

I look past Miss Peregrine and see a few of the children standing there with their faces full of worry and pity. Emma and Olive are crouching down next to Miss Peregrine helping her try to calm me down. I can tell that they are just as confused and afraid as me, I don't know what to do and neither do they. I try to stand up but I can't, I'm in too much pain.

I gain some of my energy back but I'm still in a lot of pain and I'm feeling as if the wind could blow me away. I finally get enough energy to look back at the house and see that almost every window is shattered. I don't know how no one here is afraid of me, even I am afraid of myself. No, actually I'm not afraid of myself, I'm terrified.