The Best Years of Our Lives

Chapter 10 - I love you..but

Today was the day... Officially one month until school started.  I'll admit I was pretty nervous, I was going to be a sophomore, only 2 more years of high school after that. I was scared of all the things that could happen. Losing my friends, or my boyfriend, or just failing school.

I haven't been feeling too good lately, I had lost my appetite pretty much and all I wanted to do was sleep. I stayed up all night and slept my days away. I had begun a battle with myself, I know that doesn't make much sense but I started to dislike every part of myself.

I didn't tell many people about how I was feeling. Emily knew pretty much all of it because she could just tell I wasn't acting right. Brian knew only what I told him.. and that wasn't very much. Brian was more cautious over me after our talk, but there was something he didn't know. The night when I decided to stop eating, I also broke my clean streak. 6 months I was clean from cutting. I cut on my side so no one would see. I don't want anyone to see. The only person i'm worried about finding out is Brian.

Emily has been texting me a lot lately, I don't mind. I couldn't talk to Kayla as much because she was still grounded which sucked because I needed her a lot at this time.  I felt really tired and run down, it was my fault for not eating but I just wanted to be good enough.

Brian and I don't really talk much anymore.. about the little things like we used too. Ever since our first time, our relationship had become strained. I didn't see a point in talking to him about it, but I had began feeling like we would break up soon. I had these strong feelings for him, I was scared of losing him.

I also have to face the reality that in less than 3 months, he would be leaving for boot camp. I have no clue if we're even going to make it now, let alone when he leaves, we can't talk for 3 months almost. I had never dealt with anything like this before.

It was a Friday, Friday's are usually the days when Brian and I drive around late at night. I decided I had to get myself out of bed, I didn't want too but it was about 4:00pm almost. I got in the shower and washed myself off, I forgot about my cuts until I ran my wash cloth down my side and it stung, I flinched and sighed.  I regret doing it. I get out of the shower.

I get dressed and put makeup on, while i'm waiting for my hair to dry. Brian texts me, usually he sneaks and texts me while he's at work but I didn't expect it this early, his shift starts at 4:00. He asks me if I still want to see him tonight. I reply with yes. 

For the next 6 hours I just watch TV because I didn't feel like doing much else.

At 10:00pm he gets off work and head over to my place, texting when he got here. I told my dad I was going to be with Brian, he told me to be back by 12:00. Even though it was summer I still had a curfew which is fine.

I walk out, Brian is driving his dad's truck. He gets out and kisses me gently. I then get in the passenger side of the truck and he gets in on the driver's side.

He starts driving around, like he usually does. The silence fills the air quickly, we don't seem to have anything to say to each other.

We drive silently for about 20 minutes, then he turns on some music.

The night is so beautiful, it's cool and clear, there's barely anyone on the road. Brian stops at a red light and I feel his hand meet my hand. I smile and my heart begins to flutter, his touch is so gentle.

He drives down though the country, we both loved doing that. He pulls over at a field, no one can see the truck from where he parked.

We both get out and walk into the field, he sits down and I sit next to him.

"You know I love you, yeah?" He says softly, holding my hand. "Yes." I say back and lay down to look at the stars.

He lays next to me and pulls me into his arms. We both watch the stars, they're so beautiful, the night is so calm. I love it.