Throne of Glass and ACOTAR Crossover (complete)

Chapter 36 - Feyre

It is snowing, great white flakes of snow. The wind is blowing and the sky is clouded and the world is white and it is snowing. I can breath, if I just keep thinking about the snow. Nothing else. Just the snow and the cold and my breath in front of my face.

We are free and the wall has fallen and I've failed everyone,

but it's snowing.

Just think about the snow.

I can see a shape in through the snow, little more than a silhouette. I know what it is, I brought us here after all, but I can't make myself go towards it. Going towards it would mean going inside, which would mean seeing them.

Seeing him.

I can't see him. He'll hate me. And if he doesn't, he should. They should all hate me. They should have all hated me from the start. I don't know why they didn't. Maybe they were fooled. Maybe they thought I would actually be worth something. Maybe.

Aelin tears her arm from my grasp and whirls around, danger in every line of her beautiful face. Her strong face. She calms down when she sees that it's me who grabbed her, me who winnowed her out.

From my other side I feel Rowan pull himself more gently from my hold. I don't look at him, but I hear him when he says softly, "Thank you Feyre."

I don't respond. I can't respond. Responding would mean talking, which would mean diverting my attention away from the snow.

Silence again falls over us. Aelin and Rowan don't move. I don't know if they're waiting for me to make the first move, or waiting for me to break apart. It doesn't matter. I can't do either. I won't do either.

When Aelin finally speaks, her voice is soft, careful. "What do you want Feyre?"

I don't say a thing. I'm not going to think about what I want. I'm not going to think about a warm fire and a hot meal and his arms wrapped around me. I don't deserve that, not even in fantasy. I never did. I somehow convinced myself that I could, someday. I convinced myself that I could be somebody other than a stone cold girl in a hovel, worthless and pointless and useless, but I was wrong. Everybody was wrong. Except my father, he understood. I should have listened when I had the chance.

Aelin sighs through her teeth, but doesn't do anything else.

We stand in the cold, not talking or moving. Or thinking. Especially no thinking.

Finally Aelin breaths out an exasperated breath and sits down in the snow. She looks up at the sky. "Could've at least gotten some nice weather for our great return to the real world."

Rowan chuckles. I don't.

Aelin reaches her hands out infront of her and closes her eyes. Slowly, carefully she lights them on fire. It's strange, a small speck of colour and brightness against the white, the endless white. My eyes fixate on her hands, so small and scarred and powerful. She is what I can never be. She was born to lead. I was born only to destroy.

Rowan speaks from behind me "Are we going to find shelter, or are we staying here?"

Aelin makes a face. "If you feel like dragging her, then by all means let's find some shelter. Otherwise, sit down."

I can't see him, and I don't think he makes any noise, but somehow I know he has sat down.

Aelin redirects her attention to me. "Are you going to sit, or just stand there for the rest of your life?"

There is no judgement in her voice. If I choose to stand here, she won't say a word about it. She will let me do whatever I have to do. A tiny bubble of gratitude bursts in my chest, and it gives me enough will to lower myself to the ground. Neither Rowan nor Aelin breaths a sound, but I can see the approval carved on Aelin's features. All of a sudden, that tiny bit of warmth in my heart is gone. I have done nothing to earn her approval. I sat down. I did what every child has been able to do since the dawn of time.

I move my gaze from Aelin to the snow, the gently falling snow. I don't look at her again.

At some point over the next few hours, Aelin and Rowan both fall asleep. Not much later the snow drifts to a halt.

In the sudden clearness I look up, and find myself being greeted by the thousand glittering stars that grace Velaris's sky. For one breathless moment I let myself forget and just look at them, shining and glittering, unaware of the pain and fear and sorrow housed beneath their glow, but then I tear my glance away. I don't deserve the stars anymore.

And the stars deserve somebody a hell of a let better than me.

Hey all, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry it's so short, I'll try to post again soon to make up for it.

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