I Bet My Life [Prinxiety]

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When I first became a part of Thomas, even I didn't know what I was supposed to be. When I popped up in Morality's bedroom (To see my Dad's kissing, by the way. The first thing I saw was them kissing and it was terrible.), all I knew was that I was apprehensive about even being there. But I didn't know what else to do, so I had to ask Morality and Logic where I was and what I was doing after witnessing them make out. 

Yeah. Very awkward.

After that, Logic and I had a conversation about what was going on while Morality squealed and hugged me a bunch of times. I didn't know who I was immediately, hell I didn't even know my name until I said it out loud. Morality had asked for my name and I just blurted out 'Anxiety' and that was that. 

Logic and I actually bonded first, and he brought me to my bedroom. We had to look for it first, which was when we bonded. If I remember correctly, he started talking about space and how little bit of it we had discovered so far. I like to think that's why I liked reading about stuff like that.

Once we found my bedroom, Logic gave me some privacy and let me just be in my room while I watched it change on its own. I still don't understand that.

I didn't meet Prince until the next day, and I was almost certain he hated me when he looked at my all black attire. He tried to start a conversation though, so he gets points for that. I didn't really respond much other than saying my name.

That day was also the first day Thomas got nervous about a test, and that was because of me even though I didn't realize it. I didn't realize I was the one making Thomas upset for a while.

Morality was really happy to have me as his kid for a few days, but then got distracted by Thomas being so nervous all the time after three days. Logic never really showed much affection but that's probably because he was caught up with Thomas.

And I think he knew that I was the cause of Thomas's anxiousness because he was always the smart one, wasn't he? But when everyone started to ignore me that's when I got worse, I guess.

Sincerely, me

  Prince finished reading the first true entry in the journal and sat back. He remembered when he first met Anxiety when they were all still developing. That was when Logic wore t-shirts and he wore casual clothes. Back when Morality actually wore his shirts that only had puns on them. That was terrible, every day would be a brand new shirt with a brand new pun on it.

Logic, however, tended to just wear solid colored t-shirts or maybe a shirt that related to science. (One time he wore a shirt with the periodic table of elements on it, there was also that time where he wore a space shirt.)

Prince actually liked to think he had a good sense of style. He didn't usually wear t-shirts like the others but if he did he would wear a jacket over it. He still had that jacket in his closet, actually. He loved the jacket until he had discovered the prince costume when he became a main trait.

Anxiety actually hadn't changed much. The most noticeable thing that changed about how Anxiety looked was the makeup he wore. When he became the final main trait, he received his signature sweatshirt.

Prince chuckled softly and continued to read the next entry.

For a while, I was ignoring everyone. I didn't leave my room for weeks at a time and when I did leave, I wouldn't talk to anyone. I'm sure Prince and Morality tried to talk to me a dozen times each time I left my room but, every time, I would grab food and go back to my room without saying a word.

When Morality first checked up on me, I learned that I could change my room. It happened because of an accident, and I just kind of went with it. I did that every time someone came to my room because I was scared of what they would think of my real room. 

It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Being insecure about how your own room looks?

When you're me, that's how you react to everything. I can't be comfortable with practically anything that I do, and that sucks.

Even with my relationship with Prince, I'm doubting that it's real. I'm doubting that he'll stay. I'm thinking that it's all a joke.

Usually, I can ignore that so I make sure Prince doesn't know how I feel. 

The next part had been scribbled out to the point that Prince could only see the words 'reading this' and everything else was too scribbled at to see. It seemed like there were two sentences, but Prince couldn't be sure. So he continued to read.

Besides that, I guess I should talk about the rest of what happened when I was blocked out by everyone.

When I did manage to come out of the room I could hear the other three talking a lot. At this point, they were all main traits. Logic had gotten his shirt and tie, Morality had gotten his shirt and cardigan, and Prince had gotten his outfit. He also got a crown, from what I know.

Prince laughed at this and fidgeted with his crown ring. He remembered when Anxiety and he had first started to date, he brought Anxiety to his room. He kept his crown on his end table, for the most part, he didn't like to overdo his look. Anxiety, on occasion, would actually ask him to wear the crown while they went on some dates. 

 I was still a lot calmer at this time. So I could leave my room without worrying to the point where I backed out. I really miss those times, actually. When I overheard Prince, Logic, and Morality talking about wanting to have another kid. Prince sounded excited, but all I really remember the feeling of dread. I could feel myself shaking and my hearing was screwed up so they all sounded so distant. I had gone to get cookies, and I remember putting the plate on the table loud enough for them to hear. Morality had come through the door to check on me but at this point, I had already been stumbling to leave. I had a hard time walking and when I reached the doorframe, I almost fell. Somehow I managed to make it to my room without Morality following me.

This was my first panic attack, and the details are fuzzy and have been fuzzy for years. This probably won't make much sense.

I remember my thoughts filling me with doubt of my own fathers caring about me. I still feel that doubt, actually. I still remember the way my breathing got shallow and I tried not to cry. I remember the feelings of knowing that I wasn't wanted, not being enough for Morality and Logic, and being a failure.

I know, I know. 'Just because they wanted another kid doesn't mean that's what they meant!'

Well, guess what? It's how I felt and, even with Pranks here, I still feel. Pranks is a better son, anyway. 

I don't blame them for wanting another one, either. I was always in my room and only came out once or twice a week. I never spent time with them, so why wouldn't they want a son that actually cared to leave his room? I was a bad son, period.

You may be saying 'They could have made an effort to talk to you!' and what I say to that is: I could have left my room more.

Sincerely, me